Friday, November 27, 2009

Kind and Generous

So yesterday was Thanksgiving. Somehow it was actually possible to be sad and happy at the same time.

I was happy to be spending the day with my wonderful son and husband and very great friends (who are pretty much family). I had a great run in the morning, cooked all afternoon and then ate all night. Not too bad.

I was sad because even with all the love and laughter, I couldn't shake the sadness at what we've lost. I just thought things were going to be so different at this time of year. But life happens when you're making other plans.

I guess there really isn't much else to say. That pretty much sums things up. I'm just trying to keep my head above water and not let the sadness take over. Some days are better than others but for the most part I'm doing all right.

Hope everyone had a great T-giving. Enjoy your leftovers :)

P.S. Today is our dog Lola's birthday. Happy birthday, girl! Hard to believe she's 8 already.

Monday, November 16, 2009

Give Peace A Chance

We went up to NY a couple of weekends ago. We hadn't been up there since before we got pregnant, which was a lifetime ago. I was nervous about the trip. I wasn't in a good place and was afraid of the feelings that would be stirred up by going there. But this is the time of firsts (first time for things since we lost the baby). And this was the first trip to my parents' since then.

Well, I had a horrendous breakdown while we were there. John and I went for a run on a trail close to my parents' house. It's really nice and soft, we really enjoy running there. I was looking forward to it. If I haven't mentioned it before, running has been pretty emotional for me since I started back, for a number of reasons. But I had been all right for a while, running was becoming my thing again. But for some reason, I lost it out on that trail.

I really had a breakdown. I was hyperventilating and everything. I just wanted to lay on the trail and stay there forever. I was imagining myself staying there as it got dark and I just wanted to sit there in the dark. John, of course, wasn't about to leave me there and somehow I made it back to the car. I was able to get myself together and we were able to actually enjoy the rest of the weekend.

The strangest thing is that I somehow feel more at peace after that breakdown. I left a huge piece of my hurt out on that trail. I'm not saying I'm 100% and all is great, but I feel more at peace with my life and how things are for us now. Don't get me wrong, I still get upset and have my moments. I had a panic attack in Ikea yesterday. Sometimes it feels like the entire world is pregnant and I was surrounded by about 20 of them in Ikea yesterday. I thought I was going to explode.

But I made it through. I guess that's the thing. I feel like I'm making it through. I can laugh a little deeper now, smile a little longer. My crying spells don't last as long. I hope it continues. I'm really nervous about how things will be as we approach the holidays and my due date. All I can do is honor how I feel and go with it.

But I'm thankful for my friends and family for being there for me. Without you I wouldn't be able to start making peace with this. I love you.