Life As We Know It

Photograph

2012-01-31T20:13:00.001-08:00

Picture a Day January 2012, a set on Flickr.

At the beginning of the year I set a challenge for myself to take a picture everyday for the month of January. This is the result!

California Love

2012-01-30T20:24:00.000-08:00

I was driving around in our new Prius the other day and I asked myself this question: when did I become such a California cliche?

I'm not saying that being a Californian is a cliche in and of itself, but I wonder if I should be concerned about myself. Now, I've always been a granola at heart. My dad has always told me that I was born in the wrong generation as I'm more Hippie than Yuppy. I think that's why I never felt at home in Montgomery County. Don't get me wrong, I definitely appreciate the finer things in life. But I think I'm more comfortable being barefoot than wearing stilettos.

Anyway, back to my revelation. Should I even reveal this? I don't want to open myself up to ridicule. Oh wait. I keep a blog. Let's carry on...

Yes, I've fully embraced the California lifestlye/philosophy. I have drank the Kool-aid. What do you think was the final clue that led to the revelation...

Was it the aforementioned Prius? I tell you, it's a pretty freaking cool car. And since John does a lot of driving in his commute, it's worthwhile for us to have. In addition to his commute, we use it for all errand-running and trips that do not require the entire family to attend.
I shop at Trader Joe's (I am Obsessed with TJ's. Yes, that's obsessed with a capital 'O'), Whole Foods, and local natural foods stores called Jimbo's and Sprouts.
My new favorite magazine is Clean Eating Magazine.
The only closed-toe shoes I prefer to wear are my running shoes.
My most-used makeup item is my sunscreen.
I put beets on my salads. Which are usually kale or spinach-based.
We now belong to a CSA (not that this is typically a California-based thing, but they are pretty much standard here).
We are a now Mac- and iPhone-using household. Again, not necessarily strictly a California thing. Apple just happens to be based in California, hence, more of a California thing then, say, a Nebraska thing.
I can see the ocean from my house.

I could go on but I wouldn't want to bore you anymore than I already have.

I have fully embraced the California lifestyle. I think it's done wonders for my outlook on life, my disposition, everything. People here are just nice and it rubs off on you. You never wonder if someone is out for themselves in some way. You never wonder what their angle is. You just want to have a conversation with the people you meet. I'm happy to say I'm a Californian!

Let's Get It Started

2012-01-13T19:01:00.000-08:00

You all know I started a business here in San Diego that specializes in running programs designed for individuals, groups and businesses. Well, we're getting ready to start our first program here! Here's the info:

Sole Health and Wellness is pleased to announce our first program for Spring 2012: the Beginner 5K Running Program in San Elijo Hills!

“I’m not a runner,”“I can’t run,” and “Running is just not for me” are common phrases we hear. But we feel ANYONE can run as long as they go about it the right way. In our program you’ll learn all the ins and outs to help you be successful!

The program is specifically for new and inexperienced runners. The program starts Feb 14th and will meet at the fountain in the San Elijo Hills town center every Tuesday at 10AM. Strollers are welcome and it's truly a beginner's program. No running experience is required. It's a fun, laid-back intro to running and we'll gradually build up to run a 5K at the end of the program. We're training for the San Marcos Fitness Roundup 5K on April 21st. The program is 10 weeks long, includes weekly coached runs, information sessions, weekly newsletters, a detailed training plan and more. The cost is $85, which is $8.50 a session!

People can email me with questions at jenn@solehealthandwellness.com, they can learn about the company at http://www.solehealthandwellness.com/ and they can register for the program at http://www.signmeup.com/80775.

Can't wait to see you February 14th!

Short People

2012-01-04T20:13:00.001-08:00

It never ceases to amaze me how negative people can be. I will never understand what makes people tick and I try to put myself in other peoples' shoes as often as I can. But sometimes I just don't get it.

I just erased this whole long post about this stupid incident that happened between me and some "friends." I deleted it because, frankly, it's just not worth it. I've changed a lot over the past 2 years. Going through a very painful and horrendous situation helped me become much more appreciative and grateful for what I do have. I learned that being negative, pessimistic and unhappy will get me nowhere. Instead, focusing on what is truly great in my life, finding the positive in my situation and surrounding myself with others that bring light and happiness into my life is more important than anything. Sure, there are times I'm unhappy and there are times when I do not feel positive. But overall, life is a lot more fun when you find the joy around you. Complaining, bitching, gossiping? Not worth it. When something unpleasant happens, I give myself room to be upset about it, complain, and then it's over.

I've posted several times about some pretty ugly people I've come into contact with, some strangers, some not strangers. You can read my most recent posts about that here and here. So I don't need to go into again now since it would basically just reiterate my feelings in my previous posts. I'm only talking about it now because I a) promised I'd blog more in 2012 and b) this is a blog about my life and, well, this happened in my life.

Anywho...

A couple of weeks ago I saw this news piece about being positive. For some reason it stuck with me, I don't know why. One particular point that was discussed is called "negative downcasting." I think that's what it's called, perhaps it's called something else. It really doesn't matter. Anyway, it's when you're in a bad situation and you just automatically find the positive outcome. So, when our flight was diverted the other night due to poor weather conditions, instead of doing the usual "Oh woe is me, why does this have to happen to me?" thing that so many of us do, I just said to myself that I was thankful we didn't try to land the plane and potentially have some serious issue arise. We landed safely in Las Vegas and avoided a potentially serious situation. Sure I was not happy we had to land elsewhere and find alternative means home. John and I were tired and the kids were not happy. But we were all together, we eventually got home safely and we all got to sleep in our own beds that night. Thinking about it in that way made the situation so much better. That's how I dealt with moving to San Diego. Sure I miss my friends and family and it was crazy for us to deal with after just having twins. But if I fought it and thought about how awful it was going to be, the move out here would have been that much more awful. So I didn't fight it, I went with it. I even enjoyed it. And now I'm in the happiest place in years.

I'm not writing this to say I'm better than anyone because I try to avoid drama or think positively. I'm writing this because if thinking this way has helped me get to a really great place mentally, physically, emotionally, etc., maybe it could help someone else that's maybe not as happy as they may lead us to believe.

Just saying...

Funky New Year

2012-01-03T11:31:00.001-08:00

Happy New Year! Another year over and a new one's just begun. I seem to be getting my songs mixed up... Maybe that's because I just had the longest trip of my life.

Let's rewind back to Christmas. It was fantastic. Our first Christmas in California was everything it should have been. We had Christmas Eve dinner with friends and Christmas morning we spent opening presents. I made pancakes and we had our breakfast outside (along with some pretty yummy mimosas!). Keller spent the day playing with all that Santa brought him and the girls spent the day playing with their new...well, we were glad all their new toys came with wrapping paper and boxes or they would have had nothing to play with. It was a wonderful day.

The day after Christmas we flew to New York to my parents' house. The trip went very well and was nicely uneventful. We had an early flight out of San Diego. When we made the reservations, the thought was that we leave on the earliest flight out so we get to NY with time to hang out. Well, somehow our connecting flight in Baltimore of all places was changed and we ended up having a 3-hour layover and didn't get into NY until 7:30 or so at night. If I wanted to get in that late, I would have chosen that flight instead of getting up at the crack of dawn. But, I digress.

Our time spent in NY was great. We saw lots of friends and family and had the girls' christening. That was wonderful! My brother is the girls' Godfather (he is also Keller's Godfather) and my wonderful friend Lynne is the girls' Godmother. It was so good to see them and have them be a part of the ceremony. The Deacon really delivered a wonderful service, made it super personal, included all the grandparents, and just was great. Really, we didn't do much other than spend time with everyone. There was the christening and party afterward, then the rest of the time was visiting with friends and family. We went to a holiday lights show which was fine, I guess.

New Year's Eve was quiet. My parents went to their annual party and we stayed in with the kids. When I was a kid, that's essentially how NYE would go: parents would go out and the kids would stay home. Then when the parents got back we would all have ice cream sundaes and watch the ball drop. So we started the tradition with Keller. We made ice cream sundaes and watched a movie. We tried to stay up to ring in the new year but it didn't happen. What do you expect? We have 9-month old twins and a 6-year old. Regardless, it was a fun night! And now it's 2012!

Out of all of us, I would say Lola had the best vacation, though. She stayed with friends of ours who happen to have a pool. And Lola has never been able to pass up a pool in her life. Plus they have 2 dogs of their own, so she was in heaven playing with her friends. Needless to say, she hasn't moved much since we've been home.

The trip home from NY was not as uneventful as the trip to NY. We flew out of Long Island and had a connection in Chicago. I was worried because the layover was short and it was going to be tight getting the connection to San Diego. But we got into Chicago early and there was really no worry about getting that flight to San Diego. But...San Diego was having some fog and visibility issues and closed the airport. So we were diverted to Las Vegas. This would have been fine if we didn't have 3 kids with us. It was a mess. I'm too tired to go into every last detail but we got into LV around 9:30. We decided to rent a car and drive to San Diego instead of trying to get on another flight (we overheard that there weren't any flights until Wednesday....I didn't want to stay in LV for 2 days). We rented a car from Dollar and I'm only mentioning it because they have hideous customer service. Unfortunately, they were the only ones that had a van and that we could rent car seats from, so we were stuck. But going to pick up the car was a pain. They have a huge lot and basically said, "Go pick up your van yourself." They weren't rude but just indifferent. Then they left us to our own devices to install the carseats ourselves. After about 30 minutes of us struggling and the babies literally screaming their heads off, someone came over to see what was going on. She was extremely unhelpful. But despite her, we got the seats in and took off. And arrived in our home at about 4:15am this morning. Ugh.

The kids really handled the whole situation well. They are good travelers. It wasn't until we were sitting in the parking lot for almost an hour that the wheels started falling off the operation. Once we were moving and everyone could fall asleep, it was all right. We still have to go to the airport here in SD to get our luggage, return the van and pick up our own car. Well, as I've come to say: we may not always have peace but there will always be joy! We made it home safely and slept in our own beds and that's the most important thing.

Happy New Year!

Viva Las Vegas

2011-12-05T20:48:00.001-08:00

I am now home after a great weekend in Las Vegas with friends. I am happy, sad and exhausted.

I drove to Las Vegas Friday afternoon. I have to say, it was a nice drive through the California and Nevada desert and mountains. It was nice to have the quiet time and be able to sing loudly without anyone telling me to be quiet. I must say that, based on the billboards along the way, the majority of people who drive along I-15 from San Diego to Las Vegas must be obese. I say this because the number of billboards advertising lap band surgery was pretty astounding. I was beginning to get a complex.

It was so so so good to see my friends. I met up with Steve and Tish and Kanayo from Maryland. They are dear friends and it was wonderful to see them, catch up and spend 3 days with them. Friday night we just got dinner, played some slots and talked.

We went to Dick's Last Resort for dinner. This place is hysterical. All the servers are rude and basically curse you out. This would be poor customer service if it weren't for the fact that we as customers can curse back without getting thrown out of the place. What everyone hopes for is that their server will place a paper hat on their head. These hats usually have something rude (albeit false and in jest) about the wearer written by the server. We all got hats except poor Steve. Apparently he wasn't hat-worthy.

Saturday we went to the race expo. The expo was pretty enormous. It's one of the largest race expos in the country. When we got there, it wasn't open yet, so people were lining up to get in. The line had to be at least half a mile long. We were thinking the whole process of getting our packet would take all day. But once they opened the doors to the expo, everything went very smoothly. We all had our packets within 10 minutes. The best part? Seeing the running Elvii. They were very cool. And I did see a few of them running the marathon Sunday night.

After the expo, we walked through the Venetian and had lunch. We had to go to the Mirage to pick up the tickets for the Beatles Cirque de Soliel show we were going to that night. The line for that was a mile long and not moving, so we all took turns going into the gift shop and walking around. The area where the show was so so cool! It was hard for me to not buy everything in the gift shop but I didn't leave empty-handed. Once we had the tickets and were done playing around in the shop, we headed back to our hotel. We stayed at the Luxor which was really such a let down compared to the other hotels. It's old and tired. The other hotels, while they may be the same age or only slightly newer, seem so much more alive and happening. While we stayed at the Luxor primarily out of convenience and proximity to the race start/finish, I would not stay there again.

Anyway, for dinner Saturday night, we went to B.B. King's restaurant, which was kind of lackluster. The food was fine, but nothing that really knocked my socks off.

After dinner we went to the Revolution Bar which is a bar in the Mirage that is essentially a Beatles bar. They only play Beatles music, which is definitely my kinda place! The place is very mod and psychedelic, all very cool. We had a great time there.

After drinks, we saw Beatles Cirque de Soliel, which was absolutely amazing. Whether you love the Beatles or not, this show is just too good to miss. But as a Beatles fan, I was just in absolute heaven. The show itself really touched on all senses. It was really a good show.

Sunday we really didn't do anything. We just hung out, ate and got ready for the race. The race itself was fun. I won't go into tremendous detail as I've written a race recap over at my running blog, so if you're interested you can read that post. But as this was my first race after the babies were born, I didn't really have any expectations. It went better than I thought it would and it feels good to be back among my people!

After the race, we were all pretty tired. We had grand plans of partying and shots and getting crazy. But when the time came, we just wanted to eat and then go to sleep, which is what we did. Everyone had early flights out this morning, so we had to say our goodbyes last night. It was sad for me because I don't know when I'll see them again. These people have been such good friends to me. They've been there for me when others haven't and have been an important part of my life. I miss them and I'm sad that I won't see them for some time. We're hoping to do something like this every year so hopefully I'll see them next year!

As I said in the beginning, I'm pretty exhausted, so I'm sure I'm leaving things out. If I think of anything, I'll be sure to edit this post. So check back in a few days!

A Little Less Conversation

2011-11-27T11:44:00.000-08:00

As you can tell from my silence, things have been busy here. We've been settling in nicely in our new home and getting more familiar with our new neighborhood.

Keller is now fully immersed in school. He loves his class and his new friends. If you even mention Maryland, he will tell you how he is never going back there. He is 100% California boy now. As I type this, he's at the beach with John. We finally found a martial arts school that suits his needs. He's been going for about 2 weeks and he loves it. He's eligible to test for his next belt this coming weekend, so we'll see if he does in fact test. We're just excited to see him practice karate again. He really loves it.

The girls are doing so well. I can't believe their over 8 months old now. They're such little characters. Ellen is always ready to smile and laugh, she's always happy. Brenna is also quick with the smile. They just warm our hearts! Brenna started crawling. She's not completely adept at crawling yet, but she's figured out how to do it and can go from one place to the other. Ellen isn't quite there but she's trying so very hard. She gets frustrated easily and I think that's what's keeping her from putting it all together.

John is also doing well. He is loving his new job. He gets to do actual science and feels excited to go to work in the morning. It's nice to see him excited about work again. He's been biking to work as well. Hopefully as the kids get a little older and less high maintenance, we'll both be able to get back to the level of training we once had.

And I'm holding down the fort :) I launched my new business: Sole Health and Wellness. While I've always had my personal coaching business, I've brought it to California and I'm expanding to include group training programs and corporate wellness programs. I'll be offering group programs, beginning with one in my neighborhood, in the new year. But, in the meantime, you can checkout the website, get the latest health info and company updates by becoming a fan of the Facebook page and following us on Twitter. I continue to coach individuals privately, both in person and from afar, so if you know anyone that would be interested in learning how to run the right way or needs help bringing their running to the next level, tell them to get in touch with me at jenn@solehealthandwellness.com.

I'm still trying hard to get my running up to where I'd like it to be. Though, it's still not there. My sleep issues continue to thwart my efforts, though I am working on them. I am getting more sleep than I was, but I have a lot of making up to do. The lack of sleep is definitely affecting my running, so I'm just trying to get through as best I can. I have my first race since having the girls this coming weekend: the Las Vegas Half Marathon. I'm excited. But I'm also meeting some friends from back east there, so I'm probably more excited about seeing them. But the race will be good too!

And celebrating our first Thanksgiving here was such fun. We had two families here, so there was a total of 12 people. We had a great time. Lots of good food, lots of great wine (did I mention lots of wine?) and tons of fun. It was the beginning of a wonderful new tradition.

I'll try not to let another 2 months go by without posting! Oh and "like" Sole Health and Wellness on Facebook!

Homecoming

2011-09-18T06:15:00.000-07:00

I cannot believe we've been here a month now. And, on top of that, my girls are 6 months old today. I can't believe how much our lives have changed in the past 6 months. Really, we've had two of the biggest life changes one could have, at the same time. It's no wonder I can't sleep!

All in all, things are going well. We've pretty much settled into the house and it's definitely feeling like home. I think our routine is pretty well established. Keller is doing MUCH better in school. He's made some friends and seems really happy and excited about being there. That has been a relief.

The girls are doing so well. They're babbling, rolling around, almost sitting up without support and desperately trying to crawl. They want to move so badly. Honestly, I'm really not ready for them to crawl! If I could have things stay the same for just a week or two without anymore change, I will be very happy. But that's not going to happen!

My parents are coming this week for Keller's birthday. It will be so nice to have them here. Even though we just saw them a few weeks ago, it feels like it's been forever. I just feel so far away from everyone. The time difference is really hard to get used to as well. I always forget that we're 3 hours behind and then can't call anyone because it's too late on the east coast. Sigh.

Let's just hope we continue to find our way here!

Roller Coaster

2011-09-10T05:45:00.000-07:00

This week definitely had its ups and downs. On the up side, Keller is doing MUCH better in school. He's made new friends and is feeling a lot more comfortable. I spoke with his teacher and he's initiating things during lunch and recess and is doing extremely well. He seems much happier when I pick him up and really has his confidence back. He starts flag football after school on Monday, and I know that will help. I think life in California is suiting Keller extremely well.

I, on the other hand, am having a hard time. I don't know why, exactly. I just can't get my groove. I haven't been sleeping and that's really taken a toll on me. I was dealing with a cold or allergies or something, and then some fun stomach issues, this week and that didn't make things any better. But now that Keller is settling in a little better, I'm hoping that reduced stress will help me too.

I have been doing a lot of reflection and thinking about my life situation and why I'm having a hard time here. Aside from my day-to-day life being so different here, I'm still adjusting to being a mom of 3. I have to keep reminding myself of that. We have infants now, not just one but two, and that changes everything. All the time. I can't just go for a run, and I can't just go meet friends for lunch. I have to plan things out pretty strategically to get things done. John and I were talking about that just last night. With twins, you have a lot of advanced planning before you can really do anything. For now, there's not a lot of spontaneity in life. I'm not complaining, it's just a shift from how things were before the babies arrived. And that makes it hard to really get out and meet new people. So I'm just trying to remind myself that I need to give myself a break. I had a really great network back in Maryland. Between my professional and personal lives, I was part of a great community. Now I have to build that community again. That is what is hard. I am working on building the professional community in between naps, school pick up, unpacking, etc., and it's tough. And I'm trying to build my personal community in between all of that! Needless to say, it hasn't been easy. But I need to remember that, though it will take time and it will be a while before we feel really connected to things here, it will happen. We have a great family and we're living in a great area, and we'll find our place here before long.

I am trying as best I can right now. There's a fun run at a local store here that I've joined. It's the flagship store for Running Skirts, and the girls there are a lot of fun. I've only been able to make 1 run so far since I've been here, but another time I was at the store, someone was getting ready to run so I tagged along with her. That was fun too. With 3 kids and only 1 car, getting there has proven difficult. But the important thing is that I'm trying :)

I also joined the moms of multiples group here. I'm hosting my first playgroup on Monday. I think that will definitely help. Not to knock moms of singletons, as I am one myself, but moms with only one baby at a time just don't get how different having twins is and all that's involved. It's not just about doing everything times 2, there's more to it than that and it gets very overwhelming. So getting to know some other moms with twins will be really great.

And in a couple of weeks my parents come for Keller's birthday! It will be great to see them and I think that will definitely help lift my spirits. No matter how old I am, I will always need my mom and dad!!

Achy Breaky Heart

2011-08-25T14:09:00.000-07:00

There are moments when things Keller says just tear my heart out.

Yesterday he began first grade in his new school. He seemed so excited about it. When he woke up, he came running downstairs saying "It's my first day of school! It's my first day of school!" He was so cute. He got dressed in his new outift that he picked out all on his own and got ready to go quickly. He put on his backpack and ran out the door.

We got the girls into their stroller and hit the road on our walk to school. Keller was still excited and was talking a mile a minute the whole way.

When we got to school, I think he felt really overwhelmed. This is a much bigger school than Goddard School and certainly has many more students. And with it being the first day of school, it was crazy. The mascot for the school is the eagle, so there was someone dressed in an eagle costume dancing around to Rocky. It was cute. There were kids and parents everywhere. Really, it was a madhouse.

We found Keller's classroom and sat there waiting for his teacher. As the other kids were starting to show up, Keller asked me, "What if the other kids don't like me?" My heart broke into a million little pieces. How could they not like my sweet boy?

For years now, Keller has had a life outside of us. He's been going to preschool and kindergarten and has had stuff happen in his day that I don't know about. However, Goddard was a really safe environment. It was small and low-key and just safe. For some reason yesterday made me realize that he's entering into a different world. A world that I have no control over what happens to him. Kids are mean and they're going to say mean things to him. He's going to get his feelings hurt and there's nothing I can do about it. He's sad right now because he doesn't know anyone at school and it breaks my heart. He said during recess he just walked around the playground because he felt lost. I wanted to jump out a window. When we asked about lunch and if he liked eating outside, he said yes but that he ate alone because no one sat next to him. I want to puke just thinking about it again.

He's such a sweet boy and I know he'll make friends quickly. But seeing him sad just kills me. I've never seen him like this and I don't know what to do. I keep telling myself that it's only been a day and he'll be all right. And he's not the only new person in his class. Maybe I'm reading too much into his behavior, but he just seems different. I hope it's just that he's nervous and overwhelmed by the new situation and not a change in him. He's always been confident and really good at making friends. He had 3 new friends within minutes of moving into our house. Unfortuately though, those boys aren't in his class.

I wish I could make things easier for him. I wish I could be there with him and help him meet his classmates. I just want to see him smile again and feel comfortable about his new classmates. This is the part of parenting that really gets me. I don't want him to feel any sadness or feel alone. But it's a part of life and everyone experiences it. Even my sweet boy.

Jet Airliner

2011-08-20T06:45:00.001-07:00

I've been in CA for 2 and a half days now. Honestly, it feels like we've been living here for a while. It's amazing how seemless the transition has been. I'm a California girl at heart, always have been. I've always been a free spirit and have marched to the beat of my own drum all my life. And our lifestyle is very west coast. Perhaps that's why I've always felt at odds in Maryland. I always had a hard time connecting with people and with Montgomery County, in general. It's weird because I'm a New Yorker. You'd think I'd do well in a place like Montgomery County. But MoCo is a different place than the rest of the east coast and while there are some truly wonderful people there that will be in my life forever, I'm not going to miss that place at all.

The trip out here with the babies and my mom could not have been better. While traveling with two babies through an airport is hectic just by definition, I think it all went really well. My uncle and aunt were staying with us in NY leading up to us leaving for CA and, if I had listened to my uncle, I would have thought the world would stop spinning and life as we know it would be over. I love my uncle, don't get me wrong, but he tends to find the negative things in every situation. I don't know if he's just a "expect the worst" kind of person, because in actuality, he's a very positive, giving person. I don't know. I don't try to understand. Anyway, every detail of our impending travel would cause him to point out the ways things could go terribly wrong. You're leaving at 9:00am? NOOOO! You have a layover? HORROR! You get the idea.

Well, getting to the airport with all of our stuff and the babies required two cars. That was hilarious. I was going to stuff myself in the back of my dad's SUV with all the suitcases, but I didn't fit. The babies' carseats take up the entire backseat, so I could sit there. Two cars it was. I really should have my own reality show. I require an entourage just to get to the airport.

Of course Ellen pooped on the way to the airport. And it was a mess that required a new outfit (of course). After we checked in, went through security and found the gate, we changed her and then fed them. Security really wasn't bad at all. Everyone was very helpful and the process was pretty smooth. Boarding the plane was fine as well. Again, everyone was ready to help us and there weren't any issues.

The first flight to Chicago went well. It was short, so that made things easy. The girls slept and were really good with take off and landing. The layover in Chicago went well too. We changed and fed them and then boarded the flight to San Diego. This was a 4 hour flight, so I was a little nervous as to how it would go. The girls slept for the first hour or so, then hung out. Ellen pooped again and I was surprised that the bathroom wasn't too terrible for baby changing. It wasn't a roomy palace, but I only hit my head a couple of times. That's successful in my book. We then fed them, which went well. I was nervous about making bottles while trying to hold a baby. But it worked out, thankfully. The people we were sitting with were helpful and offered extra hands. Brenna pooped, but it wasn't one of her monster poops, so I didn't have to get my hazmat suit on. Then the girls slept and we touched down in SD. They were a little fussy as the plane landed, which was probably due to the air pressure changing. Overall they were perfect.

And now we're here!! The house is in disarray and we've been busting our asses unpacking. But it's starting to get together. Keller already has a couple of friends on our block and they all run in and out of each others' houses all day. We've met a few of the neighbors and everyone seems really nice. Once a month during the summer, they show a movie in the park around the block from our house. This is the community's big rec park with baseball fields, splash park, dog run, etc. It's just the community park for residents. Anyone can go there, obviously, but it's our community park. I'm not describing this well. Anyway, they showed Tangled last night and everyone laid in the baseball field on blankets and watched the movie under the stars. We were freezing and had to put on jackets and cuddle under a blanket. Imagine that, freezing in August!! Then we just walked home.

It's definitely feeling like home...

Silent Night

2011-08-16T00:40:00.000-07:00

I love my mom dearly. But Oh. My. God. Woman can snore.

For the past week we've been sharing a bed. At my house in Maryland, it was because, for the night before we left, we only had one bed. Here in NY, we have lots of house guests. So we figured it would be easiest to share a bed. Yeah, easy for you!

The first night I didn't wear my ear plugs. I don't remember why but I didn't wear them and I think I got maybe 3 hours of sleep that night. But since then, I've worn them each night. And I can still hear her!!

I have these great ear plugs. I'm a fairly light sleeper and John has been known to snore and talk in his sleep, so they work well for me. They're made for swimmers and they kind of adhere to your ears. Nothing gets through. Except the insanely loud snores from a tiny little Italian woman.

I've worn the ear plugs each night since that first, wall-shaking night. I can STILL hear her. The bed shakes. The walls rattle. I'm afraid she's going to inhale the curtains.

In her defense, she does have a little cold. But that defense can only carry her so far. I just hope I don't smother her before this odyssey is through.

Hello Goodbye

2011-08-15T04:55:00.000-07:00

We made it out of Maryland!

Last week was a true test of patience. Between Friday, August 5th and Wednesday, August 10th, I think I aged 12 years. Here's the breakdown:

Friday
We met with the closing agent and signed all the documents to close on the house. I had the babies with me, so it was a crazy 2 hours of signing, feeding, changing, rocking, phone calls from Keller's new school, phone calls from the new owners of our Maryland house asking questions, etc. Seriously, I wanted to cry.

Saturday
We had some final work to do on the house and some packing to do during the day, but in the evening, it was our going away party. It was a fun but emotional night for me. I hate saying goodbye (does anyone actually like it?) and it was particularly tough that night.

Sunday
Sunday was my birthday. It was an odd day. We had a nice morning and John made us breakfast after we danced to the Birthday song. We were supposed to go paddle boarding but thunderstorms changed our plans. We got to the place and all set to go out and then the skies opened up. We waited for a while but they had to cancel the lesson. Oh well. We then went appliance shopping for the house. Yes, it was lovely looking at refrigerators and washers and dryers on my birthday. Actually, it really wasn't that bad, but I did have to laugh at the romance of it all.

Monday
I got a call from the Escrow agent in CA that we didn't sign all of the closing documents and we had to sign more. They sent them but didn't really give us much in the way of instructions. We signed where we thought we were supposed to sign and sent them back. We managed to go out for a birthday dinner and the babies did really well.

Tuesday
The packers arrived in the morning and started putting our life in boxes. John, my dad, Keller and Lola took off for the drive across the country, leaving us to supervise packing up the house and moving on. I got another call that we didn't sign the papers correctly and at that point, we didn't have internet so I had to go into work to print and fax the papers back. After about an hour or so, I got another call that there were even more papers to sign so back to work I went. Such a pain in the ass. The packers finished around 6pm. Some friends came over for more goodbyes and then it was off to bed. We didn't sleep well at all and were not looking forward to Wednesday.

Wednesday
The movers arrived bright and early to load the truck. Once the truck was packed we were going to head up to NY to my parents' house and stay there until we flew to CA. Right off the bat the movers started complaining that the packers didn't pack things correctly and there was a lot more stuff than they anticipated and they weren't sure if it would fit on the truck. Yes, that was great to hear. They worked throughout the day and it was looking less and less likely that we would be heading to NY that day. Around 4:00 I asked when they thought they would be done and if they thought we should get a hotel room. They assured me they would be done in a couple of hours. About 30 minutes later one of the movers was moving a dresser out of the front door. He should have been moving it with someone as he managed to lose his footing and fall backwards, putting a hole in the wall. He was fine, the dresser was fine, but the wall was not. Then the movers started complaining about their boss and getting paid, etc. Know what? Not my problem. What was my problem was getting the hole in the wall fixed. Thankfully and weirdly, a handyman in the neighborhood was walking by and struck up a conversation with the driver of the truck. It was revealed that he was a handyman and he said he would fix the hole. So that process began.

Fast forward another few hours. Finally, at 10:00pm, (15 hours later) the movers were done. They had packed the truck and everything fit. All the bitching and moaning on the part of the movers was for nothing and the stress it induced for me was for nothing. Bitches.

My mom and I got on the road at 10:30. The drive was uneventful until Brenna pooped about 30 minutes from our destination. She pooped so much and was in a weird position that it leaked out and seeped through the strap holes in the car seat onto the seat of the car. FUN to deal with at 3:30 in the morning. Finally at 4:08am, we arrived at my parents' house.

Thursday-Sunday
It was pleasantly uneventful for the remainder of the week and weekend. The deed of our CA house was recorded on Thursday and we were officially California residents. That was a relief to know we wouldn't be transients for too much longer. My brother and sister-in-law came Friday night for the weekend and some dear friends that weren't able to see us before we left drove up Saturday. It was a great weekend of spending time together.

John and the crew arrived in San Diego Saturday night. They were able to get to the house and check things out. Everything looked good and Keller was really happy with the house.

Everyone left here Sunday. I was off for the rest of the day. It was emotionally draining for me to say goodbye to everyone and I just wanted to crawl under a rock. But the babies decided they were going to be fussy for the night and my hopes of just going to bed were thwarted. Oh well.

My uncle and aunt arrive from Florida today. So we'll have time with them and some more family and friends today and tomorrow and then it's off to CA. Just a couple more days of being a squatter. Thank GOD!

The Final Countdown

2011-08-02T06:00:00.001-07:00

It's one week until we leave Maryland. I'm actually a little reluctant to say that because there's a chance closing on our house in California will be delayed. That doesn't really sit well with me because there's so much we have to do before we leave and we kind of don't have that much time to do it in. I can't even think about it.

I have so much swirling around in my head right now and I don't really know where to begin with this post. A part of me wants to go into the emotional side of things. I've been saying goodbye to a lot of people lately and it's really wearing me down. But talking too much about that really tears me up. A part of me wants to talk about the people I'm going to miss the most, and perhaps the people I'm going to miss the least, but I wouldn't want to single anyone out ;) And then I could go on about the stress of it all. I feel overwhelmed by it all but yet I am not freaking out as much as maybe I should be. I mean, I'm not sleeping well, which is how the stress is manifesting for me. I haven't been able to run much, which is also having negative effects on me.

I just feel like things have been moving so fast, but yet moving in slow motion at the same time. It's a strange feeling. We're in limbo for a lot of things and that is what is feeling like slow motion. Yet, at this time next week I'll be locking my house up for the very last time and heading out of Maryland.

When we closed on our Maryland house last week, I unexpectedly cried as we left the closing. This is the longest I've lived someplace other than the house I grew up in. To think about everything that has happened for us in the 10 years we've lived in this house makes my head spin. My babies came home to this house. The memories we have here are just too great to even put into words. It's really hard to believe that we won't be here anymore. I know that we will have a wonderful life in California and I know we will make new memories. This is just a stop on our road. I get that, but it doesn't make it any easier to leave.

But what makes this even more weird is that there are things, people, places, etc. that are making it really easy for us to leave. Which kind of hurts, in a way. Especially the people aspect. There are people that we thought were part of our lives here, that we thought we were important to, but, as it turns out, we apparently are not. Some "friends" haven't even made an effort to see us before we leave. No calls, no emails, no texts. Nothing. That sucks. To come to the conclusion that a friendship you thought was important, where you thought YOU were important to someone and vice versa, is very difficult. And to have to deal with those emotions on top of everything else is very hard. But I guess this is an example of how people, places, things, etc., come in and out of your life for a reason. There's a place and time for everything and I guess these people, places and things served their purpose for our time here, but their usefulness has been worn out.

So it's with mixed feelings and emotions that I go through this last week here in Maryland. When I close my door for the final time, I will do my best to focus on the happy times here, the things that made me grow as a person and all of us grow as a family. I will focus on the people that mean the world to me and the bonds that are between us that will never break. And I'll look out and know that there are wonderful things in store for us.

People Are People

2011-07-05T06:16:00.001-07:00

UGH!!

The other day I posted about how some people are rude and say the most ridiculous things to me regarding my babies. Well, it really isn't limited to the babies. People have been saying ridiculous things to me regarding a number of different topics, the most recent being our upcoming move to San Diego.

For the most part, people have been somewhat supportive regarding our move. Several people have said they're happy for us and wish us nothing but happiness. We like those types of comments. But several people have felt the need to point out what's wrong with San Diego and basically tell us all the negative things we should expect when we move there. Last night was no different. We're among friends we haven't seen in a while and as we're enjoying the 4th of July cookout we're informed of the negative things about San Diego. Let's go through some of them, shall we?

1. It's expensive.
Really? Um, we live in Montgomery County, the richest county in Maryland. Cost of living is about the same as north San Diego county, where we're moving. Bite me.

2. The traffic is terrible.
Again, we live outside of DC. We have the worst traffic in the nation. Really, it's rated worse than Los Angeles and New York.

And that's about it. End of conversation.

Why do people do this? Why do people feel the need to inform you of all the negative aspects of something? It's as if they're doing you a favor by telling you what's wrong with the situation. Like they're helping you out. You know, because I'm apparently an idiot and can't find these things out on my own. This happens all the time. I tell someone some news and BOOM, negative comments. Why? Is it to cut me down to make me feel bad about my situation? Why would someone do this, especially someone that supposed to be a friend? When we told people we were having twins, I couldn't believe how insensitive and rude some of the comments from "friends" were. My personal favorite was "better you than me." You think?

Honestly, I really feel sorry for people like this. They have to be seriously miserable people. You know, I haven't always been 100% gung-ho about this move. But it's happening and I have to be positive about it or I'll just be miserable. Do people really think we'd uproot our entire family just for the heck of it? This is what has to happen for us. It's John's job, it's not like we're just moving there for no reason. So, why fight it? It's not like we're moving to Nebraska (no offense to the Nebraskans). We're moving someplace that people visit for vacation. It's called America's Finest City for a reason. Be happy for us or keep it to yourself. Life is too short to wander through it miserably. And we don't need miserable people in our lives.

Poker Face

2011-06-30T14:58:00.002-07:00

My latest obession happens to be a TV show. One night when I was up with the girls, I stumbled upon Piers Morgan Tonight. I'm liking this Piers Morgan guy.

I believe Piers took over for Larry King when he retired last year. I don't know why but I really like the way Piers interviews people. He's extremely well prepared and he always relates the interviewee to himself in some way. It's very personable and it makes the interviewee feel at ease. And when they feel at ease, they talk freely. And talk they do.

Anyway, I watched his interview with Barry Manilow recently. I love me some Barry Manilow. I have fond memories of a road trip with my mom and dad, blasting Barry and all of us singing along. They came to visit me at school for spring break. We drove from Tempe to San Diego and sang the whole way. It was fun. But, back to the interview. Actually, my thoughts really have nothing to do with the interview itself but more of Barry's looks. The poor man can't move his face. Really, it doesn't move when he talks. Is this healthy? How does he still sing and perform? And one of the questions Piers asked was if Barry is vain. He said he was as vain as the next guy. What does that mean?

I'm not going to say he looks horrible and make fun of him. I'm wondering why people do this to themselves. I get not wanting to look old and haggard. Trust me, I look in the mirror and wonder where my youth went. I think I've aged 10 years in the past year. But I wouldn't mess with my face so much so that it wouldn't move when I talk.

It was an interesting series of questions/comments that preceded Piers' 'vain' question. Apparently, Barry Manilow made some comments about how he, Bette Midler and Lady Gaga, despite the size of their noses, have become enormously successful. That perhaps all the ridicule they've received because of their honkers made them the superstars they are. I agree with this!! I was made fun of day and night because of my nose. It haunted me. I wanted a nose job desperately. But my parents wouldn't let me (thankfully). So, according to Barry's theory, I will be a superstar someday. Is it too late? I think I still will hit it big. Just watch.

Karma Chameleon

2011-06-28T06:58:00.000-07:00

Let's just get right down to it. People are rude. They may think they're being friendly or funny, but really, they're just rude.

Since having the girls, I have come across some really nice people. Complete strangers offer help and are really very nice. But there are also those people that are so ridiculous you wonder how they survive in the real world. If they say some of the rude things to me, a stranger, I can only imagine what they say to people they know.

The latest rude happening was at the post office the other day. Now, this is quite a tame example, but it's the most recent. I've certainly encountered worse, but this one is most fresh in my mind.

I was leaving the post office with the girls in their double stroller when a man offered to hold the door for me (not the rude part). As I walked through the door, he saw the girls and asked if they were twins. I said yes and smiled. I wondered to myself what could have possbly given it away that they were twins. Was it the fact that they are exactly the same size and shape? But I digress. The man asked if they were both girls. I smiled and said yes (because apparently the pink ribbons and bows weren't obvious enough). Here is what happened next:

Man: Are they both girls?
Me: Yes (smile)
Man: Oh, that's no good (no smile)
Me: You should think of the positives not the negatives (smile)
Man: You have 2 weddings to pay for. Better hope they marry rich.
Me: That's the way to think (not smiling)

I don't think he sensed the sarcasm in my statement.

Really, what would possess someone to say such a rude thing? First of all, I think I'm aware of my financial future with regard to my children. I've thought about it once or twice and I don't need rude men to point things out for me. Second of all, they are tiny little sweet babies and if we have to pay for 5 weddings between all 3 kids, then we'll find a way to make it work. They may not be the most lavish weddings and they may take place in our living room, but they will be the most wonderful living room weddings to ever take place. Mind your own business, people!

And, keep in mind, this scene doesn't even scratch the surface of rude. You'd be horrified at some of the things people have said or asked me in reference to my girls. It makes me cringe.

Black Coffee In Bed

2011-06-27T06:47:00.001-07:00

I was in rare form this morning. Before I get into my proud moment of the day, let me just fill you in on how I've been feeling. I feel yucky. I have not been sleeping well for some time. I think it started in San Diego when I was having a hard time with the time change. I finally slept well our last night there only to come home and have to get back on east coast time. Then the stress really started piling up with getting our house ready for the market. Ever since then, I barely sleep at night. I fall asleep but wake up early and can't go back to sleep. So I've been exhausted, stressed and grumbly.

Anyone that knows me knows I enjoy my coffee. I really enjoy my coffee. Well, you can imagine how much I've been drinking for the past few weeks since I haven't been sleeping well. This morning was no exception. After another early wake-up call, I went downstairs and turned on the trusty Keurig. I LOVE my Keurig. I mean lurve that Keurig.

Anyway, I go downstairs and turn on the Keurig. It's still dark and I don't turn on any lights except that light that's above the stove. We keep that on overnight. I stick my yummy Donut People coffee k-cup into the machine and press "brew." I get my phone and sit down to check my email while brewing.

After it's done, I go over to get it. But I don't notice my coffee mug in the machine. So I question whether or not I actually brewed the coffee. I couldn't have brewed it. I put my mug in and press "brew." I get the coffee and go downstairs to the office to do some work.

About an hour later, John comes down to the office and asks me if I had any coffee. I looked at him like he was nuts and he said that there was coffee all in the tray of the Keurig (See picture above. The tray is where the coffee mug is to go). Apparently I did brew the coffee the first time and it spilled all in the tray since I didn't have my mug there. I didn't see it because I didn't have any lights on. I don't know what I thought I did, but I was pretty sure I hadn't brewed the coffee. Well, I did.

So there you go. I'm an idiot. I'm a tired, non-sleeping, stressed out idiot.

Happy Monday!

With a Little Help From My Friends

2011-06-24T09:23:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I finally posted to my running blog for the first time in 7 months or so. I mean, I haven't been running so what was the point of writing? As the post explains, there was more to it than that.

In case you don't want to read it, I'll sum things up for you here: I need help. I hate asking for it but I'm asking anyway. I cannot find my way back to running and it's really tearing me up. I try to get out when I can but it's been so hard with everything we have going on. So the inconsistency is making my runs difficult. Which makes me get down on myself. Which makes me not want to run...it's a vicious cycle. So I'm reaching out to whomever may want to listen, runners and non-runners alike, that I need help getting back on track.

You all know how running has always been my saving grace. And when we were going through the loss of our baby, it was the only thing that made me feel like I wasn't a failure. And I've tried to remind myself of that now. I have tried just about every trick I know to motivate myself to get back out there. But nothing works. If I'm honest with myself, I'll say that it's more than just being busy that's keeping me from running. I don't know what it is, but there is something bigger that's preventing me from getting that drive. What has changed? I don't know.

I was so lost during the time I was on bed rest with the girls. Sure, I put on a brave face and tried to stay postive. But the stress of the pregnancy, the isolation from being on bed rest and some other factors just screwed me up. And now, for some reason, I still feel that way. I now have the stress of moving, coupled with the stress of dealing with my new life and family dynamic. I have the isolation from my friends, who for some reason think we've already moved and have stopped including us in anything. I still feel lost. I'm in limbo between my life here and starting over in a new place. And it's screwing with me.

I know I can hang things up and try again when things aren't so stressful. I know that's an option. Really though, it's not an option for me. I need to feel like myself again. I need to feel like I'm not spinning out of control and that's what running is for me. So what do I do? How do I make this work when everything else hasn't worked?

Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated!!

Puke

2011-06-22T13:15:00.004-07:00

Our house went on the market today. Well, technically it's not on the market until tomorrow but the sign is in front of our house. I thought I was going to puke all over the place when I saw it.

I have come to the point where I feel overwhelmed. There is just too much going on and there has been too much change or impending change. I feel like my head is spinning and my stomach is in knots.

While we're looking forward to moving to San Diego, selling our house has to be one of the most stressful things ever. And it's not even on the market yet! For weeks I've been purging and cleaning, selling stuff, etc. All while trying to care for my family and work. I am kind of spent and the real stress hasn't even started. When the house goes on the market, trying to keep the house clean and get out when people want to see it will be hard with the babies and the dog.

I have so many mixed feelings about this move. We were out in San Diego last week and had such a nice time. We've narrowed down where we want to live and our favorite is San Elijo Hills in San Marcos. It's northeast from downtown and it's in the mountains. It will be a bit of a drive for John but nothing crazy. It's about 24 miles from his office. Nothing too terrible. But the neighborhood is beautiful, very family friendly and about 10 miles from the coast. It's cooler because it's at elevation but nice because it doesn't have the coastal marine layer that hangs for the most part of the morning. We've found the closest running stores, so that's important. The schools are insanely good. I know we'll all be so happy there and life will be good for us. But leaving my friends and family is going to be hard. Really, we only have another 2 months here. And so much will be going on that I don't even know if we'll be able to see anyone! I feel really isolated right now and it's hard.

I think the thing that will give me the biggest relief will be selling our house. Once that's done we can make an offer on a house out there. Please, Gods of Real Estate, please shine down on us and find a buyer!! Please, please, please!!!!

In Limbo

2011-06-09T06:04:00.002-07:00

I hate this feeling.

I feel like I'm in limbo in so many ways. With the impending move, there are so many things we can't do until we're actually there (like enroll Keller in school, which is a big one). But it's more than the move. I feel like my life is in limbo too.

When we were expecting the twins, we were definitely in limbo. I couldn't do anything being on bed rest and we just didn't know what to expect with regard to taking care of them and how our new family dynamic would play out. But I thought the feeling of being in-between-things would go away once they arrived. Now that we're almost 3 months post-pregnancy, the feelings haven't gone away. There are so many times I have to tell myself "when the babies are older," or "once we're settled in the new place." I hate it.

The most upsetting has been trying to get back into running. It has been so hard to find the time, let alone the energy, to get a run in. So, I just feel gross. I can't lose the remainder of the baby weight, I feel sluggish and just plain disgusting. The babies are sleeping longer at night, so maybe that will make a difference for me. But the thing is, I'm working so hard to get the house ready and pack, in between taking care of the girls, Keller, everyday tasks and still working. I'm exhausted and the last thing I want to do is wake up early to run. Trust me, as a coach, I know all the little things to try to get myself motivated and back on track. The problem is I just feel overtaxed. It's important for me to be good to my body right now since it's been through so much in the last couple of years. I know getting back into shape will make a huge difference in how I feel. I guess I'm just finding it hard to balance taking care of everything I need to do and taking care of myself.

No words of wisdom from me today. Just needed to vent...

Californication

2011-05-31T04:45:00.002-07:00

As if we haven't had enough life change in the past few months, we're now planning a move....to San Diego.

John works for the J. Craig Venter Institute here in Rockville. Craig Venter, the founder and guru of DNA, has a sister Institute out in La Jolla. When it was first built several years ago, we half-jokingly said that we wanted to move out there. It would be wonderful to live there. When in school in Arizona, I visited SD several times and just love it there. However, I'm an east coast person and my friends and family are all here.

Anyway, fast forward to 2011 and we're pregnant with twins. There's an offer for John to transfer out to SD to get this new technology up and running at that facility. The thinking is that most of the Rockville facility will be transferred out to SD in the coming years. And after a series of events that I won't go into, we decided moving to SD is our best option.

I have mixed feelings about it. While I love it out there and I know the kids will love growing up in California, my family is here! We JUST had twins and I'm at a time in my life where I want to be near my family. And while they aren't right here, they're a drive away. That will no longer be an option.

I know ultimately, this is a good thing for us. It's a great opportunity for John and when I'm ready to go back to work, there is great opportunity for me too. And as a runner, I can't ask for a better place to train! The kids will love going to the beach whenever we want. There's the zoo, Seaworld, Lego Land, Disneyland a couple of hours away and so much for them to do. It will be hard leaving the wonderful friends we have here but I know there are friends waiting for us there. And we do know people there, so it's not like we'll be completely alone. This will be a good thing.

So now we're knee-deep in getting our house ready for the market and searching for a place there. We're headed out there in less than 2 weeks to check things out. My only wish is that this process goes as smoothly as possible and we are able to move with little bumps in the road.

Tired of Waiting

2011-05-04T09:27:00.001-07:00

I'm currently waiting to see my doctor for my 6-week post babies visit. Apparently he's an hour behind schedule. I'm not really tired of waiting but that's the song title that has come to mind.

Anyway, the office staff let all of us know he was running behind. Most people were fine but one woman was pretty pissed. I get that. We have schedules too.

For some reason I'm not too upset. Maybe its because I'm here alone as John is home with the girls. It's pretty sad when going to the doctor becomes "me time." But that's how it is right now. But I'm also not too upset because my doctor is a rock star and well worth the wait.

I first started seeing him regularly when I was pregnant with Keller. He just takes such care with his patients. He calls me on the weekend with test results. He calls at night when he knows I'm worried. He calls even when I haven't called him just to make sure I'm doing all right. I've never had a doctor give a crap the way he does. I wish I could see him for everything!

So any doctors out there: take notice! Your patients will like you much better if you actually take the time to listen to them. They'll forgive the bad schedules and other inconveniences when you treat us well. Don't treat us like an inconvenience!

Who Needs Sleep

2011-04-22T18:06:00.003-07:00

My babies are 5 weeks old today!

It has flown by. I feel like a year has gone by since they were born.

The first two weeks were pretty good in that the babies were eating and sleeping well and we thought we had it made. They are still good babies, but they are definitely developing their temperament and flexing their fussy muscles. The worst time of the day is between 6:00 and 8:00pm when it's starting to get dark. I think they have a hard time transitioning from day to night. But the past 2 nights have been good. Hopefully that will continue.

My parents stayed with us for 4 weeks, which was amazing. I don't think we could have survived without them. It was helpful for me to get the sleep and rest I needed to recover from surgery. I have had a really hard time getting back on my feet. Being on bedrest for so long and then the surgery, I get tired quickly and my body just can't hold out for very long. Plus dealing with two babies at the same time is a very physical job. I'm up and down, running around everywhere. Just taking them out in the car seats is a strength training session. And feeding them at the same time is a full-contact sport.

So this was the first week without my parents here. I have to admit that I was terrified of being on my own with the babies. Dealing with newborn twins is extremely difficult and you don't know how hard it is until you're actually doing it. No amount of preparation can really prepare you. The exhaustion is just beyond belief. Right now the girls are eating every 2-3 hours, but sometimes it's less than 2 hours. Sometimes they're not on each other's schedule and I can feed one at a time. But I finish with one and then feed the other, so I'm never really done because so little time goes by before I need to feed the first one again. Then when they're on the same schedule and I have to feed both of them at the same time, it's insane. Seriously, there is nothing more stressful than trying to feed two babies at the same time.

In addition to this being my first week on my own, it was also Keller's spring break off school. So I was dealing with him as well. While he's fairly self-sufficient, he's still only 5 and needs help with things. Or just wants things. And has a lot of energy. A LOT of energy. There was one point where I was trying to feed both the babies at the same time and he's running around throwing toys in our faces. He also likes to stick his face in their face when they're sleeping...which usually wakes them up. Oh, it was a fun week.

But we survived. The girls are now starting to smile here and there. They're making more eye contact and interacting more. And I could just eat their cheeks. They're filling out more as they gain weight and their cheeks are getting round and delicious! It's only going to get better from here.

Birthday

2011-03-27T05:59:00.001-07:00

As I sit here holding a sleeping Ellen, I still can't believe these babies are here. It's been 9 days since their birth and it feels like they've been here much longer.

Their birthday was surreal. As I've mentioned before, there were growth concerns so we were scheduled to deliver earlier. I was 37 and a half weeks, which is full term, so everyone was confident that they would be all right. But there was always a chance they would have to go to the NICU. The main concerns were their weight, breathing issues and their blood sugar being too low.

We arrived at the hospital at 5:45am, Friday, March 18th. After checking in, we were taken to our prep room in Labor and Delivery. I was hooked up to the monitors and IV and the nurse took my medical history. John changed into his surgery outfit. The doctor and surgical team arrived and it all started to get a little crazy because they wanted to keep the schedule on time. Things had been quiet and calm which was nice. I didn't have a c-section with Keller so I was pretty nervous and didn't know what to expect.

I was taken into the OR and given the spinal. They laid me down and started strapping me in. I was basically in a 'T' with my arms outstretched. I do not like not being able to move and started having a panic attack. I was overwhelmed with anxiety about the surgery, I was overwhelmed that the babies were coming and I started getting a little freaked out. John wasn't allowed in the room yet and I thought I was going to lose it. My doctor is so awesome. He took my hand and comforted me, telling me everything would be fine and there was no reason to be nervous. We have been through the hard part already. I will miss seeing him every week!

John came in and it was go time. I can't believe how fast it all happened. Within minutes, the babies were arriving. Ellen Joanna was born at 8:34am. The Neonatalogists took her and examined her. She was 5 lbs, 4 oz and perfect. She was squeaking and had no signs of any problems. It took her a while to open her eyes because her eyelashes are so long and were stuck on her cheeks! Then Brenna Jane was born at 8:36am. She was 5 lbs, 5 oz and also perfect. She too was squeaking and had no problems. Her eyelashes were also stuck but she was able to open her eyes up pretty quickly. John brought the babies to me and we cried. It was a mixture of relief, excitement and maybe a little worry, but it all felt good.

We were all rolled into recovery and it was all good. There were no problems at all. No NICU at all! They were perfect in every way.

Really, we could not have had a better morning. All the concern was short-lived and our sweet girls arrived without any problems. We couldn't have asked for a better delivery. And they are really good babies. They eat and sleep well, don't fuss too much and just fill our hearts! Keller is a proud big brother. While he's not always super excited about their presence, he's happy to have his baby sisters here and things start to return to normal. His Mama can play with him again and even though we have a new normal, things are pretty good for him. His sisters even got him some presents! Overall, Keller is handling it very well.

We are so lucky and feel so grateful for our wonderful family!

Long and Winding Road

2011-03-20T15:48:00.001-07:00

I was hoping I'd be able to post this before the babies arrived but the week before their birth was a whirlwind.

Even with the flurry of preparing for their arrival, it was a very reflective time for me. All the buildup was finally coming to a head. I had to take a moment to reflect on the pregnancy.

Really, this journey began in February of 2009 when we decided we were ready for another baby. I can't go into the months that followed because thinking about our loss is still very painful. And that time was my darkest. So when we found out we were pregnant the day before the year anniversary of our loss, it was more than just a coincidence. Still, we were guarded and terrified we would have the same result we did a year earlier.

When we found out we were having twins, it felt even more like this was a sign that maybe our luck was changing. Maybe we were destined to have the family we really wanted and this second baby was an added blessing. Again, we were scared but extremely hopeful.

There were problems, of course. But even with the problems, our doctor was so confident that things would work out. We put our trust and faith in him.

Then the work began. I had surgery in September. That was a tough surgery for me with a hard recovery. Then I went on bed rest in October. Then I started the weekly progesterone shots to prevent preterm labor. Then the gestational diabetes diagnosis. Then the contractions began which led to medication every 4 hours, including overnight. Then towards the end of the pregnancy there were growth concerns because the placentas were starting to poop out.

We worked so hard for these babies. We worked hard for Keller too, as that was a hard pregnancy too. So when people "joke" that we'll be so busy and crazy because of twins, that our life won't be our own and any other negative things, I just laugh. This is what we wanted. This is what we have been working for. Do you really think we would have gone through all of this if it wasn't what we wanted? Seriously, just the 5+ months of bedrest is proof that we would do whatever it took to have our babies.

Life always has a way of working out. It doesn't always seem like it in those dark times, but as I look at my newborn daughters, I can't help but be hopeful that life will work out. We may not always have peace but we will live with joy everyday.

Even though the rough and bumpy road to get here has ended, our journey isn't over. We are now blessed with these two beautiful babies, a wonderful son and a lifetime of possibilities ahead of us.

Mama He's Crazy

2011-03-04T05:24:00.003-08:00

How could I not write about Charlie Sheen?

A part of me is enjoying the train wreck. It's amusing at times and makes for some good jokes. I personally like "I'm on a drug and that drug is Charlie Sheen." But another part of me thinks the madness needs to stop. The media need to stop indulging him with interviews and opportunities for him to spew his crazy. The guy has 5 children, all of them young. FIVE children. Think about that for a moment. There are 5 children that are going to have to deal with this mess at some point in their lives. It's one thing to grow up with a crazy parent. But it's another thing entirely that the craziness is captured on TV and magazines, online, etc. Over and over again.

I understand the need to hear about celebrity news as an escape from the "real" news. Trust me, I watch the news everyday and I can't take it sometimes. I'm terrfied of the rising fuel and food costs and worry we won't be able to afford much in the very near future. Hearing about the unrest in the Middle East is frightening. I also think the media punch up their stories and make them more frightening than they really are (which is a topic for another time). Celebrity gossip is a welcome distraction from the stress of everyday life. But really. There has to be a ceiling. Do we really need to meet the crackheads, I mean, girls living with Charlie Sheen? Do we need to know of their escapades together? Do we need to see inside their "porn room?" I'd like to think not.

I just wish if people stop talking about Charlie Sheen, maybe he will go away. The guy obviously needs serious help, both for his substance abuse and his mental issues. He has problems. Maybe if people made as much of an effort to actually help him rather than just indulge his mania, the guy would actually get better. But that's not going to happen any time soon.

You've Got a Friend

2011-02-27T16:15:00.006-08:00

With the Oscars on tonight, I thought I'd give my thoughts on the Social Network. I've been thinking about it since we watched it a couple of weeks ago.

Really, the one thing that sticks out in my mind is just how lonely Mark Zuckerberg is. And it's interesting how he developed a friend-social networking site. Yet, he really doesn't have any friends.

Of course I realize the movie may not have portrayed MZ as realistically as possible, but I doubt it was really that far off.

Regardless, if nothing else, the Social Network left me feeling kind of badly for MZ. Sure, he's one of the youngest billionaires in the world. If he wanted to, he could buy a whole gaggle of friends. But, they really wouldn't be friends. I wonder what he does when he goes home at night. Does he hang out with the Facebook staff? Go to happy hours? Have a pet to squash his loneliness? I mean, there are times in my life when I feel pretty lonely, especially these past 4 months on bed rest. But I always know there's someone in my life I could turn to if I need to. Does he have that someone?

Why I'm pondering the life and love of Mark Zuckerberg, I have no idea. I enjoyed the movie as it was pretty interesting how it all unfolded and MZ basically screwed the one friend he had. But it just left me feeling sorry for this poor kid that now has all the money a person could possibly want yet no meaningful relationships or people to share in his happiness. Does he have a family? His family was never mentioned in the movie. Surely he has a mom that he could at least go to dinner at some swanky restaurant.

In watching the red carpet coverage of the Oscars, I saw Jesse Eisenberg's interview. I've seen him on Conan and in a couple of other interviews. You know, he's exactly like MZ. Well, he resembles the character completely. And I feel bad for Jesse too. Yes, I know, he's a young kid with a very promising career ahead of him. Up for an Oscar, etc. But he just seems so lonely.

I guess my point is to hold onto the people that mean something to you. Even with all the riches in the world, happiness isn't a guarantee unless you have someone to share it with.

Stray Cat Blues

2011-02-24T02:52:00.003-08:00

When I was 19, I transferred from George Mason University to Arizona State. It was a weird time in my life and I wanted to get away from the east coast and try something new. I knew a few people out in AZ and visited them for spring break that year. I was sold. I applied and was accepted and moved out there in May of 1995.

Once I had settled into the house I was renting with my roommate, it was time to get my cat. I always had pets growing up, including a cat who I adored. My roommate had a dog, so I was ready for a cat.

The night before we went to the Humane Society in Mesa, we watched this hokey movie, "Corrina Corrina" with Whoopie Goldberg. It was pretty lame, but there was this little boy in the movie that I found to be hilarious. His name was Percy and for some reason, I loved him. He was spunky and feisty and when he laughed, his mouth opened as wide as his face and his whole body shook.

When we got to the Humane Society the next day, they took us to see the cats. It was this long hallway-type room with cages lining the walls. The doors to the cages were mesh that went from the floor to the ceiling, with a little shelf in the middle, probably about chest-height for an average adult. I walked into the room and my eyes went straight to this little black fluff ball that had somehow gotten himself on the middle shelf. He was meowing and his mouth was so wide, you could hardly see the rest of his little face. That was it, I wanted him. He was spunky and feisty. He had guts since he climbed that huge cage door. It was Percy.

When doing the paperwork, we found out the Mesa Humane Society is not a no-kill shelter and they give their animals 11 days to be adopted before they "dispose" of them. Percy was on his 10th day and I saved his little life.

I should have known from the car ride home that living with Percy wouldn't be easy. He scratched and clawed me the whole way, all 5 minutes, back to the house. I was wearing a tank top and my whole upper body was covered in scratches and blood. I looked like an extra in a horror movie. But we survived.

I have to say Percy was a pretty hilarious kitten. He was about a month old when I got him and he was certainly feisty. He tormented my roommate's dog, he climbed the curtains in the house and would sleep on top of the curtain rod, he would get into everything. Then there were his stealth attacks. He would hide somewhere and pounce on you when you were least expecting it. Jump on your head, your shoulders, attach himself to your legs, whatever he could sink his teeth and claws into. The worst was what I termed "the Koala bear." He would jump up on your leg and wrap himself around your leg using his claws and gnaw your leg. Thinking about it now I laugh because it must have been hilarious seeing me try to get him off my leg. But at the time I was not pleased.

And this was just our first summer together. By September, I moved out of the house and into an apartment closer to school. It was me and Percy living large. That cat definitely made for interesting moments. He would steal my food, jump into the refrigerator if you left the door open long enough (I did have air conditioning so it wasn't that hot!), he would jump into the shower when you were done so he could lick the water droplets. Then he would stay in there and scare the crap out of you when he would pop out while you were in the bathroom.

His love of food really developed that fall. I couldn't simply eat a yogurt and throw away the container because Percy would knock the trash can down and go into the trash to get the container. Those last few licks were worth all the trouble, I assume. I would have to run the containers through the dishwasher before throwing them out. If I left my lunch out in the morning before school, and didn't put it in my bag right away, Percy would tear into it. A lot of times I wouldn't know until I pulled it out later and noticed the holes in the bag of my sandwich. I had to schedule his neutering several times because the nights before the surgery, when he needed to fast, he would somehow get into the cabinet and gnaw a hole into his food bag and eat half the bag. No matter where I put the food, he found it. He was like a dog.

Oh, that cat was my sidekick. He traveled across the country several times. I took him home for Christmas (where he would promptly knock the Christmas tree down); he's probably flown more than most people. When we moved back east, he was right there in between me and my dad in the truck. He's even been to Graceland.

Percy was there for all my big life moments. He was pissed when John and I started dating and eventually moved in together and got married. He tolerated John to say the least, though he attacked him as much as he did me (that's how we knew Percy loved John). We had a pet rabbit named Rupert. Percy actually liked him. He would sit on top of his crate and put his paw in and bat him around. When we let Rupert out, though, Percy wouldn't really bother him. Percy tolerated Lola when we brought her home. But he promptly showed her who was boss and attacked her quite often. He was indifferent when Keller was born, which was a good thing. He would sniff at him but then walk away.

Percy's health started going downhill when he was about 10 or 11. There were a couple of times when we didn't know if he would make it. But he always did. Then last summer the vet said his kidneys were only functioning at about 25%. We gave him subcutaneous fluids and a special diet, but that was about all we could do. Even though he seemed fine, he had lost a lot of weight and was losing his spunky self. In the beginning of February, we took him to the vet and we were told his kidneys weren't really functioning, he was probably in some pain and things were not looking good. So, we let him go. Once we knew he may have been in pain, we knew we shouldn't hang on to him. That's not right.

How do you say goodbye to your first love? Percy was the one constant in my life for 16 years. I knew him longer than my husband. He may have been an asshole at times, and I have the scars to prove it, but he was my cat and I loved him. He greeted me when I came home and kept me company when I needed him. Life with Percy was interesting. You never knew what would happen!

I still think I see him in areas around the house. And I swear I hear him meowing and chirping every now and then. It makes me sad that the birth of the babies will be the first big moment in my life that Percy won't be a part of. But we'll always remember him and love him.

Push It

2011-02-18T06:53:00.006-08:00

A friend of mine politely reminded me that I haven't posted to my blog in a while. As I told him, I'm kind of lacking the motivation. I have plenty to say as so much is going on, but just no motivation to write.

So the last time I posted it was the beginning of the new year. Leading up to 2011, the days were draggggging. Oh, it was painful. And I just kept telling myself to get to January and the babies will be here before we know it. Really, since January 1st, the days really have been flying by. Well, being on bed rest the term "days flying by" has a different meaning. The days aren't really flying by but the time is passing a lot faster than it was before.

My days still consist primarily of work, which definitely helps pass the time. But each day is interupted by waves of panic that wash over me. These kids are arriving soon and we don't have a whole lot done. I guess we kind of do, but it doesn't feel that way. I think any parent, new or expecting baby #2 (or 3 or 4) will feel a bit ill-prepared. Things are much more complicated and hectic this go around than with Keller. Even though I was on bed rest with him, we didn't have a 5-year old running around at the same time.

Let's recap what has been going on (I'll try to be brief):

I was diagnosed with gestational diabetes (which really blows)

We lost our beloved cat, Percy. I'll probably write more about that at a different time.

We set the date for the delivery of the babies: March 21st (let the wave of panic wash over me again)

Of course there were other things going on, but I would say these were the main occurences. It's been an interesting month or so. And the next month is going to be filled with moments of insanity. I can't believe the babies are coming in less than 5 weeks. They will be here at any time in the next 5 weeks. That's too much for me to think about right now. I need to go take a nap.

Let's Get It Started

2011-01-01T01:15:00.005-08:00

Another year over, and a new one's just begun....

When I look back on 2010, it was nothing short of an emotional roller coaster ride. There were so many emotional highs and lows, I don't even know where to begin with my retrospect.

We started the year in what could only be described as an emotional downward spiral. January 5th was the expected due date of the baby we lost and it was so hard to come up on that date. Many of my friends were having their babies at that time and it was just awful for us. Words cannot express just how awful it was. So we just secluded ourselves, had a lot of family time and did the best we could to get through.

One way that really helped me deal was running. I know I have bestowed the virtues of running time and time again, but I really don't think I would have gotten through the grief if it weren't for my immediate family, a few friends and running. It was an escape for me and time for me to feel physically strong when I wasn't strong emotionally. And even though we were under 800 feet of snow for the winter, it was something I never gave up. It was my salvation.

March marked my first 50K. It was such a triumphant event for me. Not only did it tax me phyically and mentally, but I felt like I finally broke free of the web of grief I had been in for so long. Yes, I still cried after that. Many times. But I felt like I was beginning to really conquer the demons and move on with my life. It really was a great day. I wrote about it on my running blog and won't go into tremendous details here.

I did a number of races after that one, another marathon, a few half marathons, a 200-mile relay. It was a busy spring. Coaching Girls on the Run and my beginners through Fleet Feet definitely helped me feel like myself again.

May marked John's 40th birthday. I think he handled it pretty well, considering a month later he shattered his time in the Olympic distance triathlon at the DC Triathlon. He killed it. We actually missed seeing him during the race because I misjudged where he would be. Oh well, Keller and I had a good time. We also aknowledged his birthday with a rocking 70s birthday party (because John is a product of the 70s). Getting dressed up in tacky 70s garb, eating fondue and dancing to the tunes of the decade was definitely fun.

In June we celebrated Keller's graduation from pre-K. It was such a great ceremony and of course I cried. Really, is that a surprise? It was so cute as all the little ones sang and celebrated themselves as they got their little diplomas. And it reminded me of just how quickly time is going by.

As we approached the anniversary of the loss of our baby, emotions were definitely running high. July was a tough month. And I kind of see 2010 as two different years: one that began in January and ended on July 22nd and the other beginning July 23rd. The anniversary was July 24th and it was the 23rd that we found out that we were pregnant. It was such a bittersweet time and I kind of have a hard time thinking about 2010 before that day. We feel so incredibly lucky to have gotten pregnant again and we hope and pray every minute that this will work out.

The months since finding out we were pregnant, and then pregnant with twins seem like a blur. There was our vacation in the Outer Banks, Keller starting kindergarten, his 5th birthday, my surgery. Really, up to that point, we had had so many issues with the pregnancy, it was hard to believe everything would be all right. They continued and then I went on bed rest. I spent the last 10 weeks of 2010 on bed rest. UGH! But things seem to be going well with the babies. My issues are under control and now we're just hoping the next 10-13 weeks go by without a problem. And we can bring our little babies home.

As I close the door to 2010, I just want to thank everyone that helped us get to this point. For me, I will be eternally grateful to those of you who stuck by me, let me cry on your shoulder, and didn't expect me to act like there was nothing going on. And now it's time to look forward to the future. I'm open to all the wonderful things that will happen for us.

Happy New Year!

Santa Claus is Coming to Town

2010-12-10T05:28:00.002-08:00

Last weekend we went to see Santa Claus. How does one go see Santa when they are on bed rest? Well, we needed to get creative.

When we got to the mall, John dropped me off and I sat on a bench at the front while he and Keller parked the car. When they came in, Keller stayed with me on the bench and John went to get me a wheelchair. Yes, a wheelchair. I felt bad getting a wheelchair because I'm not actually disabled. But I'm not allowed to walk around or even sit upright for very long. Plus the mall wasn't busy as we got there when they first opened and I didn't think there was going to be a mad rush on wheelchairs.

Besides, I've already missed Keller's Halloween parade at school, trick or treating, and his Thanksgiving feast at school, among the regular everyday things I can't do with him. I couldn't miss Santa. This bed rest thing has me missing out on a lot and I couldn't miss yet another thing.

Thankfully we didn't have to wait too long for Santa. I was parked over on the side watching everyone. It was kind of amusing. Then Keller gets to Santa and tells him he wants a race car. Since when? He tells us Transformers and Bakugans and whatever else and he tells Santa a race car? It reminded me of the scene in The Christmas Story where Ralphie, who wants a Red Rider Bee Bee Gun gets nervous when he sees Santa and tells him he wants a football. Thankfully this Santa wasn't as creepy.

After Santa we went to lunch. All in all, it was a great day. It felt good to be out in the world and I was so happy to have been there to see Santa with Keller. Even if I did feel like an ass sitting in a wheelchair.

And to top it all off, this morning Keller said he hoped Santa leaves something for his babies. He wants them to have something to open when they come home. It was too sweet. And I cried.

Merry Christmas!

Are You Ready For Some Football?

2010-11-29T15:07:00.009-08:00

Most people that know me know that I am not a football fan, so this post's title is probably a bit confusing. Well, we watched The Blind Side over the weekend and I'm now a little obsessed. If you haven't watched this movie, you really should. I don't often write about movies but this one deserves a mention.

It's the true story of Michael Oher and it's such a great feel-good story. I won't get into tremendous detail, but he is the son of a crack-addict mom and a dad who spends most of Michael's life in prison. He's taken away from his mom and goes from foster home to foster home for much of his teen years. While he's staying with a friend, his friend's dad actually manages to get him enrolled in a private Christian high school (the dad was trying to enroll his own son and managed to persuade the football coach to work to enroll Michael as well).

One day Michael meets little SJ at school and ultimately meets his mom, Leigh Anne Tuohy. Well, this woman is a dynamo. She and the Tuohy family take Michael in and help him find his way. They're the only people he feels comfortable with and trusts and through that trust he's able to believe in himself. They're the only people that take Michael seriously and see what a wonderful boy he is.

So much happens for Michael and the Tuohy family in such a short time. He is able to raise his grades (through teachers actually taking time to teach him in a way he understands and well as with the help of a tutor the Tuohy's hire), play football and ultimately graduate from high school. He earns a scholarship to several colleges and decides on Ole Miss. The movie ends with him being drafted by the Baltimore Ravens.

I left a lot out, so you're just going to see it now. It's such a good story. I wish there were more people like Michael and the Tuohys in the world. If people could just see past what's on the surface and actually get to know someone, really know them, lives could change. Perhaps it's the pregnancy hormones fueling this fire here, but chances are I'd be obsessing about this even without the hormones. There's a part in the movie where they read The Story of Ferdinand and it's one of my all-time favorite children's books. See, Ferdinand is a bull in Spain; he has a peaceful soul and does not want to fight like his other bull friends. He wants to sit under a cork tree as he smells the nearby flowers. Michael is Ferdinand the Bull. You should read that book too :)

I was so moved I actually watched the Baltimore Ravens game yesterday. And within minutes of me turning it on, Michael Oher gets hurt (sprained knee) and is out for the rest of the game. I'm such a good luck charm. This is why I don't watch football ;)

Watch the movie! If you aren't moved, you have a heart of stone.

I Thank You

2010-11-26T07:15:00.003-08:00

Yesterday was Thanksgiving. It was a good day. We layed around most of the day and then went to friends' house for a great dinner. It was a good thing I brought my stretchiest maternity pants to change into! Most of my maternity pants are already too tight for my expanding belly, so I was very glad I brought the biggest ones I own!

And while I don't need a single day to sit down and reflect on all that I'm thankful for, I wanted to share with the world what really means the most to me. This year we feel more thankful than ever. We are so hopeful that we'll be bringing home two new babies in a few months. I am almost 22 weeks now and things seem to be going really well. The babies are growing and kicking and all the problems we've been having up to this point seem to be under control. I'm not off bed rest but at least I know things are looking good. I know we won't be out of the woods until they're home with us, but we feel really encouraged and happy that things are looking so good.

We are also thankful, of course, for our sweet son, Keller. He fills us with such joy everyday. We had a nice long conversation about how Spiderman, Superman, Batman and others work so hard to keep people safe from the bad guys. Did you know Spiderman lives at the zoo in order to keep people from fighting the animals? I didn't know that and I'll be sure to look for him the next time we're there.

We are extremely thankful for our friends and family who have been such a source of support for us. They've always been there for us, but this past year wouldn't have been possible for us to deal with if we didn't have such a strong support group. And to everyone who has helped us since I've been on bed rest: you're amazing. The dinners, lunches, visits, calls, emails, etc. have just meant so much to us. Just knowing that people are looking out for my family, it makes me cry. And to know these two babies will not only be welcomed into a home full of love for them, there is a whole system of people that have loved them and helped them long before they were born. It really is too much for me to think about without getting emotional about it.

And I am so incredibly thankful for my husband who has taken this whole bed rest thing on with minimal complaints, grumbles and issues. He is handling all of it and he is just taking it in stride. I am so grateful for him and Keller taking care of me, I can't even put it into words. It's such a long road ahead of us that it's overwhelming for me, but John just does it. I don't know what I would do without him.

I hope everyone had a wonderful Thanksgiving. Enjoy the time with your friends and family.

Do You Want To Know A Secret?

2010-11-16T06:22:00.002-08:00

I've been keeping a secret for many weeks now. But I think I finally have the courage to tell. John and I are pregnant. I'm over 20 weeks along now and I guess it's time to spill the beans.

Obviously, people in my in-person world know since I've been showing for a long time. But I have been reluctant to write anything about it because of everything we went through last year and what we've been through up to this point. It's been a tough road already. But I can't live my life waiting for something to happen and I deserve some happiness. I am hoping and praying that everything will be all right and I feel ready to talk about it.

We found out we were pregnant the day before the year anniversary of losing our baby. It was surreal. I had been taking tests all week and they were all negative. I wasn't going to take another one but since I had it, I might as well take it. It was faintly positive, which meant I needed to go buy 8 more tests. Which I took half when I got home (all positive) and half the next day (all positive). This was all on a Friday, so I didn't go to the doctor for a blood test until Monday. We had a nice family weekend and I went into the doctor's office first thing on Monday to have blood drawn.

The results came back in a couple of days and my hormone levels were high, which was a good sign. Then that Saturday we left for the beach. The vacation was fun, and I had a sonogram set up for the Tuesday after we got back. My doctor wanted to start monitoring me regularly because of my history.

Well, that Tuesday came and I had the sonogram. We saw the heartbeat and I was crying and it was wonderful. Then the technician saw something strange and was poking around. That something strange turned out to be another heartbeat...another baby. We're having twins. I was floored and in all honesty, here I am 3 months later and I still don't believe it half the time.

I was alone at the appointment since John had a meeting. But I drove right over to his office to tell him. He met me in the parking lot and here is a summary of our conversation:

I show him the sonogram pictures.
Me: Do you notice anything different than what we're used to seeing?
Him: No, should I?
Me: Keep looking.
Him: I don't see anything.
Me: John, we're having twins.
Him: You're shitting me.

And that pretty much sums it up. After a lot of exhaling and tears, we hugged and he had to get back to work. I called my parents and told them. They were shocked of course. In fact, I could hear my dad interjecting a "Holy shit" every now and then.

Needless to say, the past 20 weeks have been exciting, overwhelming, terrifying and worrisome. I had my cerclage surgery back in September and thankfully that all went well. I have a mack daddy cerclage. It's a permanent cerclage (most people get a temporary one that is removed before delivery). This is a crazy stitch that doesn't get removed (I have to have a c-section). The surgery was an insane 2-hour procedure and even though I was numb I was awake the entire time. I will not get into the actual experience of the surgery as it was quite awful. Thankfully the anesthesiologist talked to me the entire time or I would have been crying throughout the surgery. Recovery was tough on me and it was very painful. But my wonderful doctor is confident it was successful and after almost 2 months, it looks great. But we've still had our share of scary moments, including a trip to the emergency room a few weeks ago.

I won't get into tremendous detail, but I was having very similar symptoms to what I had when we lost the baby last year. Thankfully, all is all right and the babies are perfectly fine. I have what is called a subchorionic hemorrhage. It's common and I've had a couple throughout the pregnancy. But this one was dangerously close to one of the placentas and it was causing a lot of bleeding and cramping. So....I've been on bed rest since then (I'm in my 4th week of bed rest now). And thankfully it's working because it seems as though the bleed is either too small to see or it's gone. YAY!

So, I am still terrified that something will happen to prevent me from bringing home my babies. But I don't know if that will go away until I actually bring them home. All I can do is think positively, continue to pray and take care of myself. And that's what I'm doing. I feel like all of this has to be meant to be. To find out we're pregnant the day before the anniversary? And then to find out it's two? It's all too much to be a coincidence. I have to believe it's happening this time and everything we went through is behind us.

Til There Was You

2010-09-15T05:02:00.004-07:00

Today we celebrate our 9th wedding anniversary.

In total, John and I have been together for 11 years. For those of you who don't know, we used to work together, back when I did laboratory research. I will never forget the shameless flirting, the secret glances, etc. Everyone that worked there was young and fun. There were happy hours, parties, etc., at least once a week. That's pretty much how things got started for me and John: at a drunken New Year's party. While it doesn't sound romantic, it was. We shared a New Year's kiss. John said, "You know, this changes everything." And it did. We tried to keep things light and all that, but it was all for naught. We were inseparable and the rest is history.

I was thinking about our time together and I can honestly say the bond between us is stronger now than it was back then. And that bond has gotten its strongest because of everything we have been through in the past year. The one good thing that has come from all the pain is that we are unbreakable and we can get through anything as long as we're together.

Amor vicit omnis. It's Latin for 'love conquers all." That's what is inscribed on our wedding bands. We had already been through a lot by the time we got married and now, 9 years later, we are stronger and happier than ever. And while I don't know where our path will lead us, I do know I will be there with my best friend, my partner, and my love.

Everyday

2010-09-14T05:31:00.004-07:00

I can't believe I used to blog everyday. I used to write a lot about nothing. Maybe that's why no one reads this ;)

Things here have been good. The year anniversary came and we had a nice, family day. We took a ride out to Lake Linganore and drove around there for a while. We had never really been out that way. It felt like we were hours away from the craziness of where we live, but it was really only about 45 minutes north of here. On the way home, we picked up a hydrangea bush to plant in the memory of our lost baby. I wanted to plant something that would bloom at this time of year and hydrangea seemed to really feel right. I had a lot of hydrangea in our wedding flowers and in my bouquet and I love the color. It made me feel a little better to plant that and look at it each day since.

A week after the anniversary we headed out of town for a much-needed vacation. We went to Duck, NC with 5 other families. We rented a house with a million rooms and there were about 20 of us there. We were a little apprehensive about how it would go with all those people in one place. But we had an absolute blast. Everyone got along, all the kids and all the adults! We weren't in each other's pocket the entire time as everyone kind of did their own thing throughout the day and we all congregated at lunch and dinner time. It was a really great time. We were all a little depressed when we left. Keller was silent for at least the first hour of the drive home.

August flew by in a blur and before we knew it, it was time for Keller to start kindergarten. He is still at the same school (Goddard School) and not in public school kindergarten. Montgomery County has a cut off that kids need to be 5 by September 1st. You can test the kids early if their birthday falls between then and October 31st, I think. We decided not to test Keller. While academically, he'd be fine, we didn't feel he was really mature enough and ready for school. Everyone we spoke to said that giving him that extra year would be better for him in so many ways. So we did. And it just so happens that Goddard has an accredited kindergarten program so he'll receive everything and more of kindergarten this year. Then next year, if we feel he's ready, we can start him in 1st grade. Or he'll do kindergarten again. Whatever works for him.

I had a hard time dealing with him starting kindergarten. He is such a big boy now. He's his own person and does his own thing. I cannot believe my baby is turning 5 in a week. Time really does fly by and no matter what you do, it keeps on ticking. I've really tried to enjoy life more and really be present in the moment. So much this past year I wasn't present, I was phoning it in and just couldn't deal with things. But I finally feel present in my own life again. I can only thank Keller and John for that since they're the reason I need to be present. I don't have forever with them and I need to get my time in with them while I can. Wow, this post certainly became much more serious than I intended.

Anyway, thanks to those that still read this blog. I'll try to post more often!

I Try

2010-07-14T06:13:00.003-07:00

Ok, so that last post was pretty positive. Maybe I should just leave it at that. But as the anniversary date draws near, I'm finding it more and more difficult to be strong and upbeat.

I cannot believe it's been almost a year. I thought things would be so different at this time. Well, last year I thought we would be welcoming a baby. And then once I finally accepted that wouldn't happen, I thought this time would at least hold something else, something to look forward to. But it doesn't. I feel like I'm in the same place I was after we lost the baby: hopeless and left behind.

It's really hard to see how much has changed for so many people in this past year. New babies, new homes, new jobs, etc. And here I am in the same place I was. Sure, maybe I'm not in as desolate a place. But I don't feel like my life has moved forward at all. I've changed jobs within this past year, and that has been a great change and something that has really helped me move forward. But as far as my personal life...ugh.

It's really hard to be in a personal funk. So much of my job is being positive and motivating other people. If people only knew how hard it is for me to do that while I feel the way that I do. I feel like I live a double life and I'm so exhausted by the end of the day, it's crazy. Sometimes working with other people is helpful. I get inspired by them and it makes it that much easier to get through my day. But at this time, it's not really that helpful. I just want to crawl in a hole and stay there. I would love to just sleep for days.

I don't understand why people don't talk more about these things. I can somewhat understand why people don't want to talk about miscarriage. Well, maybe not. It's a loss just like any other, maybe worse in some ways, and it should be treated with the same respect and consideration as anyone else dealing with loss. But it isn't. I have to put on a brave face and act like nothing happened to me. I have to act like there isn't someone missing from my family. It's so not fair. I just wish people would acknowledge what we are going through. It would make this anniversary a lot less painful if I could actually talk about it.

Sigh.

Here Comes The Sun

2010-06-13T17:30:00.004-07:00

I can't believe it's been so long since I've posted.

I've been wanting to post. I have formulated posts in my head and thought about what I would want to talk about. It all comes back to the baby and what I've been dealing with in getting through our loss. I know not everyone really wants to read about it so I don't post. But then I think, "Um...it's my blog. My thoughts."

Anyway, the past few months have flown by. A lot has happened but a lot hasn't happened too. I feel like I really turned a corner with my 50K back in March. Since then I have run another marathon, a few half marathons, a 10-miler, etc. Running has really been my salvation. It's been fun. But I have also come upon the date where I found out I was pregnant last year and now a lot of my time is spent thinking about what I was doing last year at this time and how different I thought things would be now.

But I feel like I actually have the strength to deal with it now. I can sit and think about what we lost and not feel that hole in my heart. I am not over it, please don't think I've moved on. But I feel like I've found my strength...I have finally found the strength to not only wake up each morning but get out of bed.

Back one morning in April, I was taking Keller to school and "Here Comes The Sun" came on. Keller and I listen to the Beatles every time we're in the car. And while this song has come on a million times before, this one morning it came on and it hit me. I was welcoming the sun in my life. I could feel happiness again and it felt good.

Wow. It was huge. There were tears streaming down my face as I listened to the words to the song. The sun was shining on me and the long, cold winter filled with sadness and despair was behind me. The memories are still there and I can still feel the sadness and I miss what would have been, but I can look forward now. I can see that there's still a huge, long sun-filled road ahead of me.

Here Comes The Sun
The Beatles (George Harrison)

Here comes the sun, doo da doo doo
Here comes the sun, and I say
It's alright

Little darling
It's been a long, cold, lonely winter
Little darling
It feels like years since it's been here

Here comes the sun
Here comes the sun, and I say
It's alright

Little darling
The smiles returning to their faces
Little darling
It seems like years since it's been here

Here comes the sun
Here comes the sun, and I say
It's alright

Sun, sun, sun, here it comes
Sun, sun, sun, here it comes
Sun, sun, sun, here it comes
Sun, sun, sun, here it comes
Sun, sun, sun, here it comes

Little darling
I see the ice is slowly melting
Little darling
It seems like years since it's been clear

Here comes the sun, here comes the sun and I say,
It's alright

Happy Trails

2010-03-17T04:58:00.007-07:00

Wow. I've never thought I'd write the word "happy" again. It only took over 8 months to feel it, but there it is. I'm a little happy.

I guess the turnaround was my 50K on March 6th. That was a huge one for me. I wrote a lot about it my running blog, but not really the big emotional part of it.

I signed up for this race in October of 2009. It was a sad time for me and I needed something to focus on. I needed a direction because at the time I didn't feel like my life had any direction. We had made all these plans and they weren't going to happen and I just didn't know how to deal with that. As a lifelong planner, it scared the crap out of me. I was so depressed and miserable, I just needed something to look forward to. I knew that registering for a race would give me some sort of purpose and another reason to get out of bed in the morning.

I wasn't sure what race I wanted to do. Another marathon? Nah. I needed something completely different. Something low-key and not stressful. Why put pressure on myself? Because if I chose another marathon, I'd have it in the back of my head to train hard, improve my time, etc. I didn't want that.

I started trail running in September. It was a liberating thing to do. It's actually quite hard to be sad and in a depressed state of mind when running through the woods. Getting covered in mud and crossing creeks and jumping over rocks is so much fun, it's hard not to run with a goofy smile on your face. Well, for me anyway. So, I decided to focus on a trail run. And that left me with the Senceca Creek Greenway 50K. It's a 31+ mile run on the Greenway Trail from Damascus to Potomac. Sign me up.

I'm not going to say that training was easy and the road to the race was paved with gold. Because it wasn't. I still battled my emotions and my depression. My friends were all having their babies, my due date was approaching, and it was getting hard to focus on things. I felt like I was going through the pain of losing the baby all over again only it was worse the second time around.

January 5th came and we had a very nice family day at the National Harbor. We went to this crazy Ice show and had a nice lunch. We placed flowers in the Potomac River in honor of our lost son. It was a very sad day though being together and acknowledging it really helped.

January itself was a long, cold month. Between the emotional side of things, work getting busy, the weather being ugly, I was just on autopilot. I just went through the motions of being alive and getting through my day. Training for the race was difficult because of the weather but I did what I could.

February came and there was more snow and ice. Work was crazy since we were moving locations. Then we headed down to Myrtle Beach for the marathon and half marathon. Well, the races were canceled because of the weather (it snowed there and it was the most snow they had in 10 years). I felt like there was some cosmic thing against me and I just couldn't get a break. WTF? Who goes to Myrtle Beach and worries about snow storms? Only we do.

I did the best I could preparing for the race for the rest of February. I ran as much as I could, I rested when I needed to and I didn't think about how sad I was. I just compartmentalized my emotions and basically just stuffed them down as far as they would go. I know, maybe not the healthiest thing to do, but it worked for me.

Then came the week before the race. I was nervous about whether or not I could finish. I did a couple of trail runs and they went well, which helped give me some confidence. Race morning came and it was a cool but gloriously beautiful morning. And something changed in me. I was out there on my own, doing something only for me. Something I needed desperately. And I finally felt good. I felt hopeful.

The race itself was hard but fun. Friends ran with me and gave me a boost. John and Keller saw me a number of times along the course, which was great. It wasn't really as bad as I thought it would be. Because of the snow, I wasn't able to do a lot of the long runs I had hoped to do. So I was really nervous about how I'd do in the race. Well, it was long and slow but I got through it better than expected.

Which was an odd experience for me. I felt really strong, both physically and mentally. I had an absolute blast running the race through the snow, ice and mud. I loved crossing the creek in ankle-deep water and running in wet shoes. I just really had a great time. Don't get me wrong, I hit my wall and was tired at times. But overall, it was my best race experience.

When I crossed the finish line, it just hit me. All the emotion and anguish I had been through just came flooding out of me. I bent over and just cried. I couldn't believe I had made it through the last seven months. The finish line to the race was kind of like a finish line to my grief. Trust me, my grief isn't over, but I felt like I had made it through the hardest part of it. I made it through the worst time of my life.

I have to say that since the race, I have felt good. I'm not saying I haven't thought about what we've lost or what could have been. I have. And I've cried. I will always be sad about that and will never really be over it. But I feel a sense of peace about what happened. I'm accepting it and I'm trying to move forward. I feel like running those 31+ miles brought me to a place where I can see things clearly and I can deal with them better.

My road hasn't ended. It's only just beginning.

On the Road Again

2010-02-07T06:37:00.006-08:00

I won't bore you with a long, sad post about how hard things have been for us. All I'll say is that it has been tough, life has truly sucked at times and it has felt that we would never get through this.

But January ended and we made it out. We feel better than we have felt in many months. We are by no means over what happened, but we are not as lost as we once were. Life is moving forward and we are actually moving with it.

Next week I'll run the Myrtle Beach Marathon. This will be my first race since the Cherry Blossom 10-miler last April. So almost a year ago. When I think about everything that has happened since last April, it makes my head spin. That seems like a lifetime ago and I feel like I've aged 20 years in less than one.

But I am really looking forward to this race. It's the first one in a very busy race-filled period. The marathon is Saturday the 13th, there's a bike ride the next day that we're doing. Then my 50K, the big one, is March 6th. I'm running National Marathon on March 20th. Then the new 13.1 series race in New York on April 3rd, Cherry Blossom on the 11th and then the American Odyssey Relay on April 24-25.

I signed up for all of these races to give me something to focus on and as a way to deal with my grief. I needed to have something for myself that I could pour myself into and for me, that's running. I got past the very emotional block I was having when I started running again and I am having fun now. There's no pressure to run in a certain time, these races are for pure fun. John and I are actually running a couple together, which we haven't done since before we had Keller.

So allow me for a moment to pat myself on the back. I am proud of myself for making it to the other side. I could have taken so many different roads after losing the baby. And I was headed down a pretty dark one. But I didn't. I chose not to. And I'm glad I did.

Don't Stop Believing

2010-01-01T03:55:00.004-08:00

Hello 2010!

Yesterday was the last day of what we hope is the worst year we ever have. I know things can always be worse than what we have at present, and here's to hoping that this is the worst pain we'll ever know.

I am excited about the new year. Can you believe it? I'm excited about something for the first time in 5 months. I am adopting a new way of looking at things, I'm trying anyway.

About a month ago, I got in touch with this somewhat local athlete, Brian Boyle, to see if he could come to Fleet Feet for a fun run. He just released a book and I wanted him to come for a book signing and then run with us. He is coming, this Thursday, January 7th.

Brian is a young guy, only 23, and he's seen more sadness, pain and despair than most people do in their entire lives. When he was 18 he was in a horrific car accident that should have killed him. It did kill him, he was pronounced dead 8 times, but he fought and came back, literally, from the dead. I won't go into the details of his accident and his injuries, you can read his amazing book, but I will touch upon his recovery because I feel very connected to his story.

His accident occurred in July, and in addition to that he had some other family hardships that occurred in subsequent Julys. In fact, one chapter of his book is called, "July is the Cruelest Month." Well, I can relate to that. Our lives changed forever this past July. Anyway, Brian spent years working tirelessly to overcome his injuries. His accident occurred 5 years ago. And he was told he probably would never walk again. But he somehow found the strength, through the love, support, and courage from his family and friends, to fight on and work. And he did work. Three years after his accident Brian finished a half Ironman triathlon (70.3 miles of swimming, biking and running). Then 45 days after that he completed the granddaddy of triathlons: the Ironman World Championship at Kona, Hawaii. This is 140.6 miles of swimming, biking and running. And he did it. He's still doing it too. This past fall he ran 5 marathons in 5 weeks. He's a Rock Star.

I'm writing about this because I feel completely connected to him and his story. He overcame tremendous sadness and pain to live the life he always wanted. He talked about his hopes and dreams for himself, the plans he had for himself, and how they were dashed because of his accident. But he found the courage to make those dreams happen anyway. While I could never imagine what he went through, I know what it's like to have plans and dreams dashed. I know what it's like to have dreams that will never come true through no fault of my own. We can't control everything that happens to us. Our loss was something out of our hands.

I read his book in less than 24 hours. It is an amazing story. I really relate to his parents. They are really great people and I feel connected to them for some reason. It's weird to feel connected to people you've never met.

There's a quote Brian uses in his book that really resonates with me: "A person hasn't lived until he has almost died, and for those who have fought for life, the world has a flavor the protected will never know." I feel like I have been fighting for life for the past 5 months. No, my story is not the same as Brian's. I didn't almost die. But part of me did die on July 24th when we lost our son. We have been trying to come back from the dead ever since.

So I look to 2010 as a year of coming back from the dead. I'm using my races as a way to leave the pain and sorrow behind us. We will never forget our baby, we will always be sad about our loss. But we have to move forward. We have to be happy again.

That's my New Year's resolution: to find a place of happiness in each and every day. I may have sadness in that same day. I may cry and scream and ask "why" but I will also laugh and smile and find a piece of happiness. I deserve it.

Happy New Year.

Better Days

2009-12-29T07:38:00.004-08:00

I don't know if I've ever been more happy to see a year end than I am this year. It's not that I'm hopeful for the coming year, I just really want 2009 to be done.

This has been such a horrendous year for us. We thought 2008 was bad. We lost too many loved ones, dealt with too many illnesses and just had a generally bad year. Then 2009 came with more lost loved ones, more illnesses and more sadness. We thought the year was turning around for us when we got pregnant. But when we lost our little boy, things just came crashing down. Going through labor and giving birth to a baby I'll never hold, a son I'll never know, has been too much to deal with. I feel like someone is always missing.

I am grateful for my beautiful son, Keller who continues to brighten my dark days. He is the reason I get out of bed in the morning. And I will be forever grateful to my husband, John, who has been my strength and courage for over ten years, but especially so in these last 5 months. I am thankful for my parents, brother & sister-in-law, uncle & aunt, and those few friends that have let me cry on their shoulders and release some of my sorrow, if only a small amount. I am also thankful for my clients and my fantastic job and coworkers. My job working in the running community has given me something to focus on besides my own sadness and opened a world of love and support that I so desperately needed. I am thankful to be part of a sport as wonderful as running.

I don't know what is in store for us in 2010. I don't know where the path will lead us. I do know that I won't be alone and I don't have to hide how I'm feeling. I am not the same person I was when 2009 started. A part of me died July 24th and I will never be the same. This scares me. A lot. But I know that I have to move forward. I have to look ahead. I will do my best to be hopeful and open to what's in store.

Happy New Year to all.

Oy to the World

2009-12-05T04:30:00.003-08:00

It is way too hard to be happy and joyous right now. This year's holiday season sucks ass.

I'm letting people know right now that I am not happy it's Christmas, I am not feeling festive and I am certainly not in a good mood. I am sad. We were supposed to be welcoming a baby into our family. And we're not. It's not something to get over, it's not something that we can just forget and try for again. It's a loss of a member of our family and it sucks. This is not a happy time of year.

We are trying. We are trying to make it nice and happy for Keller. We are putting up the tree and Santa is loading up his sleigh. But behind the smiles there is sadness.

I told John last night that I'm not sending anyone holiday cards this year. If I had to pick a card right now, it would say something like "We hope your 2009 didn't suck as badly as ours," or "2010 can't be as bad as 2009, can it?" I was joking with John that the card can have a picture of Lola pooping with a Santa hat on. Crappy Holidays from the Gills! We didn't think the older relatives would appreciate it though.

I think I've moved into the anger portion of my grief now. That certainly has to be healthy, right?

Kind and Generous

2009-11-27T16:06:00.004-08:00

So yesterday was Thanksgiving. Somehow it was actually possible to be sad and happy at the same time.

I was happy to be spending the day with my wonderful son and husband and very great friends (who are pretty much family). I had a great run in the morning, cooked all afternoon and then ate all night. Not too bad.

I was sad because even with all the love and laughter, I couldn't shake the sadness at what we've lost. I just thought things were going to be so different at this time of year. But life happens when you're making other plans.

I guess there really isn't much else to say. That pretty much sums things up. I'm just trying to keep my head above water and not let the sadness take over. Some days are better than others but for the most part I'm doing all right.

Hope everyone had a great T-giving. Enjoy your leftovers :)

P.S. Today is our dog Lola's birthday. Happy birthday, girl! Hard to believe she's 8 already.

Give Peace A Chance

2009-11-16T03:32:00.004-08:00

We went up to NY a couple of weekends ago. We hadn't been up there since before we got pregnant, which was a lifetime ago. I was nervous about the trip. I wasn't in a good place and was afraid of the feelings that would be stirred up by going there. But this is the time of firsts (first time for things since we lost the baby). And this was the first trip to my parents' since then.

Well, I had a horrendous breakdown while we were there. John and I went for a run on a trail close to my parents' house. It's really nice and soft, we really enjoy running there. I was looking forward to it. If I haven't mentioned it before, running has been pretty emotional for me since I started back, for a number of reasons. But I had been all right for a while, running was becoming my thing again. But for some reason, I lost it out on that trail.

I really had a breakdown. I was hyperventilating and everything. I just wanted to lay on the trail and stay there forever. I was imagining myself staying there as it got dark and I just wanted to sit there in the dark. John, of course, wasn't about to leave me there and somehow I made it back to the car. I was able to get myself together and we were able to actually enjoy the rest of the weekend.

The strangest thing is that I somehow feel more at peace after that breakdown. I left a huge piece of my hurt out on that trail. I'm not saying I'm 100% and all is great, but I feel more at peace with my life and how things are for us now. Don't get me wrong, I still get upset and have my moments. I had a panic attack in Ikea yesterday. Sometimes it feels like the entire world is pregnant and I was surrounded by about 20 of them in Ikea yesterday. I thought I was going to explode.

But I made it through. I guess that's the thing. I feel like I'm making it through. I can laugh a little deeper now, smile a little longer. My crying spells don't last as long. I hope it continues. I'm really nervous about how things will be as we approach the holidays and my due date. All I can do is honor how I feel and go with it.

But I'm thankful for my friends and family for being there for me. Without you I wouldn't be able to start making peace with this. I love you.

Don't Talk to Strangers

2009-10-30T08:27:00.003-07:00

Today Keller's school had their Halloween parade. The kids dress up and then have a parade around the school. It's fun and sweet and everyone has a great time.

I was standing with some parents of kids in Keller's class. We were just talking about random stuff and all of a sudden I found myself telling the mom of one of Keller's friends my life story. The terrible pregnancy with Keller, the miscarriage, the turmoil we've been in. I hardly know this person. And I'm spilling my guts. She didn't mind, she made it very easy for me to just open up.

Why is that we can spill our guts to complete strangers? But yet we have trouble talking to the people we're closest to. I don't get it. I have to say how cathartic it was to talk to her this morning. I don't talk about what's been going on much anymore because it feels like everything thinks we should be over it. So it felt relieving to get some of it off my chest.

Things have been all right this past week. Last week was awful. But this week was all right. I have been really busy with work and home, so I guess the distraction has been good. There have been less days where I feel like I'm teetering on the edge.

Anyway, the next time you're feeling like you need to talk and get something off your chest, talk to someone who doesn't know you. There's no judgment, there's no history, there's nothing. It will make you feel better :)

Nobody Knows

2009-10-20T01:45:00.003-07:00

Sometimes it feels like we're living a double life. I guess we are, in a way. There's the life in front of other people and the life behind closed doors. We can be relatively normal in our everyday lives. We can do our jobs, have meaningful (or meaningless) conversations, etc. But we also go home and cry.

This Saturday marks the 3-month mark since we lost the baby. The thought of that makes me sick. On one hand, I feel like I should be better because it's been 3 months. And I guess we're better in the larger, abstract sense of the word. I don't cry every day anymore. But the feelings are just as intense. So, on the other hand, it's only been 3 months. Three months really isn't that long in the grand scheme of things. Three months is enough time to get to the point where I'm not crying everyday.

Sometimes being a sensitive person is really a character flaw. I have always had too-intense feelings. I take things to heart way too often. Sometimes it's great because I can feel intense joy and happiness, but I can also feel intense sadness. And I've never felt such sadness as I have these past 3 months. In the other times in my life where I've experienced loss, it's been sad. But nothing like this. Nothing.

So now it's time to bring myself back to life. Somehow. I have been underwater for the last 3 months and I have to get to the surface somehow. I am trying to get back to the things that have made me happy in the past. I have some races lined up that hopefully will spark my love of running again. It's hard to love anything when you feel dark inside. Hopefully training for something will shine a light. I'll take a flicker at this point.

I'm pretty scared of how the next few months will be. We were supposed to be welcoming a baby in those months and now that that isn't happening, I'm afraid of the sadness taking over. I'm trying to head it off by scheduling races to train for. Give myself something else to focus on. It works on some days and it doesn't on other days.

All we can do is our best. We can get out of bed in the morning and see what happens.

Sun's Gonna Rise

2009-10-05T16:40:00.002-07:00

Wow. I'm really touched at all the emails I've received from people reading my blog and connecting to our story in some way. Thank you for reaching out and thank you for being there.

This past weekend was pretty ugly. For a couple of weeks now I've been all right. I've been able to manage, even be social and not freak out. I've been able to be around my pregnant friends, my newborn-having-mom friends, whomever.

But I think I was trying too hard to be "normal" and prove to myself that I can handle things as they were before we lost the baby. Well, things are not like they were before we lost the baby and I am not like I was before I lost the baby. I was a fool to think I was normal and things were all right.

And, well, needless to say, this weekend was not an emotionally sound weekend for me. Saturday was manageable, but Sunday did not fair as well. I was cleaning up the kitchen and was going through a pile of papers. I save just about every receipt I ever receive for some reason. And I came across a receipt for all the pregnancy tests I bought when I first found out I was pregnant with the second baby. When I found out I was pregnant that Monday morning in April, I was in shock. Seriously, I really didn't believe it. So that day I went to CVS at lunch and bought 5 pregnancy tests to hold me over until I got the confirmation from the doctor. The pharmacist laughed at me and I felt like a dork, but it didn't matter. I practically ran back to work and took another test in the bathroom. And that one and the four others I bought were all positive.

And here we are.

Anyway, I just want to thank all of you who have reached out to me. It definitely means a lot. And while the sun continues to rise, and I am "carrying on" and getting through the days, I still need help and support from you. Keep those shoulders handy because I'll need to lean on them soon.

Stand in the Rain

2009-10-03T06:51:00.004-07:00

This week has been pretty tough for me. Nothing happened, there wasn't a moment that made it all come crashing down. It was just a bad week.

I don't really have a mechanism for getting through tough times anymore. This experience of losing our child has stripped me of that capability. Yes, I'm surviving and carrying on, but it's not the same as living. I don't really know how to be truly happy anymore, to feel the light inside, to want to see what the day brings.

In the past, I've turned to other people who have gone through heartache to hear their words, to try to understand that through their example, maybe I can get through my trouble too. I've turned to Molly Barker, Founder of Girls on the Run, to read her words and through her find some strength. So, this morning, I turn to her again and I've spent the majority of this morning reading her blog. Molly is truly an amazing person. She has been through so much in her life, and somehow has found the strength and courage to not only pull herself back up onto her feet, but start an amazing organization that helps girls (and women) do the same.

Girls on the Run started back up here 3 weeks ago. I'm lucky enough to be coaching over at Ronald McNair this season. We have an amazing group of 12 girls. They come to each session with excitement in their eyes. And through them, I feel excited. I feel alive when I'm with them. I know that I can be myself and not be afraid of judgment, because we're all in the same boat. We're all just doing our thing.

I don't really know where I'm going with this. I'm just typing words. I guess what I'm saying is that reading Molly's words and being a part of Girls on the Run is a wonderful way to get through tough times. It helps me feel a little stronger. I'm really looking forward to Tuesday morning, when we meet again.

Speechless

2009-10-01T17:47:00.003-07:00

So what do I write about now? Most people use their blogs as a way to "talk" about the things that cross their mind, both inane and meaningful. But I don't really have a lot crossing my mind other than just trying to get by. I have never really lived my life like that, just trying to get by. I've always had motivation, but now I don't really have much. When you are on course for a certain future and that future is suddenly taken from you, it's kind of hard to just move on. We're trying though.

It's really hard to talk about what we're going through with most people. Not because of the subject matter. It's easy for me to talk about it, it's a part of who I am. But talking to certain people is difficult because of how they react. Some people can actually listen and they get it but others are so incredibly uncomfortable. I was telling John this morning that it's those uncomfortable people that I want to talk to the most. They need to know that just because they want us to be "normal" because it makes them feel better doesn't mean that we actually are. Does that make sense? People that ignore what's going on with us make us feel insignificant. It makes us feel that our baby was somehow insignificant. Which he wasn't.

I guess if you're a regular reader of my blog you'll be pretty disappointed with my posts in the foreseeable future. I don't have a lot of amusing things happening in my life right now. Yes, there is still laughter and life. I mean, we have Keller to fill our days with laughter. But at the end of the day (and the beginning, middle, etc.) we feel like something is missing and that something will never be returned. Something was taken from us and while we only had it for a short time, that something will always be a part of us.

Pictures of You

2009-09-24T03:10:00.003-07:00

I haven't written about this because writing it would mean that it actually happened.

On July 24th, we lost our baby.

I had been having bad abdominal pains all week. We had gone into the OB's office, had a sonogram, everything looked fine. The baby was perfect. But these pains just wouldn't stop.

Thursday evening they got really bad. And then I started bleeding. I knew it was not good. I went to the satellite ER that's near our house. John got one of our neighbors to come and stay with Keller and he joined me. We were there for a couple of hours. They did another sonogram and saw that the baby was in the birth canal and the placenta started to tear. I was in labor. The pain was unimaginable. I had multiple doses of morphine and dilaudid and it did nothing. It was awful.

They transferred me to Shady Grove Hospital. We delivered our baby in the early hours of Friday, July 24th. It was the single worst day of my life.

The last two months have been the hardest to get through. I have never experienced a hurt so bad before. I have never felt so empty and alone. We have had to try to be "normal" for Keller. He's definitely seen us upset and we've told him what happened. He understands to a certain degree, about as much as a 4-year old can understand.

I left my job. I couldn't possibly deal with this while working there. For the first time in my life I don't really give a damn about anything other than being true to my feelings and taking care of myself and my family. I just couldn't do that while working there. I left August 14th and haven't regretted it a single day. I working from home now, doing the marketing and promotion for Fleet Feet Sports, Gaithersburg. I've worked with them since 2006, so I feel good coming back full-time. And so far it's been good.

I can't really put into words how terrible this has been for us. Losing our child has been the absolute worst thing that has ever happened to us. We were almost halfway through the pregnancy. We made it through the cerclage surgery. We thought we were out of the woods. We thought we would be welcoming a new baby this winter.

We found out we had a boy. A little boy. Keller had a brother. My heart aches for what he has lost. I picture in my head what the two of them would have been like together. What trouble and fun they would have, what we all would have had. And now there will always be someone missing from our family.

We are doing the best we can. We take it day by day and some days are far better than others. I feel like I'm moving through life extremely slowly. I feel like I'm watching other people go on with their lives and I'm just sort of stuck here. Things go on, obviously, but in my heart, I'm stuck. I know I won't ever "get over" this and anyone that thinks you get over losing your child, born or not, is sadly mistaken. Just because we can have a conversation and perhaps laugh and smile, doesn't mean we're "better" and "over it." It means we are all right on the surface but deep down we're broken and trying to heal. There will always be a scar on my heart and this is now part of who I am. I am not the same person I was when I found out I was pregnant. I'm different, sadder, and a piece of me has died.

I'm writing this for a number of reasons. It helps me feel slightly lighter getting some of the emotion out. I leave pieces of my sadness everywhere. And that takes some of the weight off of me. I'm writing it so people will understand what a loss like this does to people. While everyone is different and how they grieve is different, losing a child like this is a multi-dimensional thing. It's different than other forms of grief and loss. It just is. And the term "miscarriage" just doesn't cover all the physical and emotional pain that comes with it. Miscarriage is an ugly word.

Lastly, I'm writing this to help other people going through this understand that they're not alone. While having friends and family supporting me has been extremely helpful, knowing other people going through this at the same time has also been helpful. Knowing that I can be sad and not explain why is more helpful than you would think.

Take care.

I Like You So Much Better When You're Naked

2009-07-14T06:08:00.002-07:00

Did you know that today is National Nude Day? I'm totally serious. And last week (the whole week!) was Nude Recreation Week. That's hysterical.

I wrote an article about it yesterday on the Examiner. There are a number of people that actually run naked. So many that there are several organized nude races throughout the country. Could you imagine? Most of the stories people have written about them have said that once you get past the initial self-consciousness, it's actually quite fun. Everyone is naked, so it's not like people are really only looking at you. I guess looking at butts the whole time you're running isn't necessarily a bad thing. I guess it depends on the butts ;)

I just think about how most races have a decent number of people running and the starting line can get crowded. Some races are so crowded, you're kind of rubbing up against each other. That would be a no-no at a naked race. And if it's summer? The smell would be wretched. I think I just got a little sick.

Anyway, I'm glad I'm able to celebrate Nude Day in the comfort of my home today. It would be awkward (and a little chilly) at the office.

Black coffee in bed

2009-07-12T05:48:00.002-07:00

Well, I'm not drinking coffee in bed. I just like that song.

Today I begin Day 5 if bed rest. God, this sucks.

Surgery on Wednesday went well. What I can remember of it. I thought I was just getting a spinal for anesthesia but I ended up getting general anesthesia and I don't remember much after going into the operating room. I guess that's a good thing. The anesthesia didn't really agree with me and I was kind of sick after the surgery. I don't really remember coming home and I slept all day. So, at least I slept through the first day of bed rest.

Thursday everything kind of hit me. I was in a lot of pain and still not feeling well from the anesthesia. It wasn't until Friday when that actually wore off.

I really wish I had some wonderful stories or profound thoughts. But bed rest is like my nemesis. I do not do well. I know people mean well when they say I should enjoy the rest and all that. But it's not really restful. When you spend all day laying down (when you really don't want to), it's hard to relax. It's hard to sleep at night when you are laying down all day. It's hard to tell Keller I can't play with him. One can only read for so long, watch so many movies, and watch so much really bad TV.

Speaking of bad TV, I guess I do have a comment about that. Have you seen Bridezillas? These women are crazy. I don't know how much of it is staged but these women are awful. They are rude and bratty. One woman didn't like the centerpiece the florist made for her so she threw it on the ground. She also smashed the cake her baker made for her to taste because it wasn't chocolate. Could you imagine marrying that? Yikes!

Anyway, I go back to the doctor this Wednesday so hopefully I'll get the all clear to resume life. I will at least try to be more upbeat in my next post :)

Sweet Child of Mine

2009-06-24T10:27:00.004-07:00

Wow, it's been a long time since I posted anything here. Well, there has been quite a lot going on but nothing I could really talk about because we felt it would be best to wait.

I'm pregnant :)

Yuppers, that's right. Baby #2 is on the way. And it has been super hard not talking about it for the last 3 months (I'm 3 months along now). We had a lot of difficulties with Keller with premature labor and 3 months of bed rest and we have already started having some issues with this one as well. So, we felt we wouldn't announce it to the world until we at least got out of the first trimester. There it is.

We're not completely out of the woods. I have to have surgery in a couple of weeks where they literally sew things up (internally, of course) to prevent the premature labor thing. Sorry to those that feel this is too much information. But it is what it is. It's called a cerclage in case you want to learn about it. It is pretty routine, though there are risks involved. Needless to say, I'm worried. Which is why we haven't told Keller yet. Though we think he probably already has an idea since my ever-expanding middle is quite noticeable.

The surgery is July 8th and I'll be on bed rest for the week afterward. Hopefully it will be the only week of the pregnancy, though we shouldn't get our hopes up.

We've already had like 7 sonograms, so I'm pretty familiar with this baby already. I had one today and it's looking so much like a baby now. It's weird because it's only just over 2 inches long, and it looks like a baby. It was stretching it's little legs out and rubbing its face with a little hand. It's getting in shape to start its marathon career. Or to at least keep up with Keller.

Keller, our boy wonder, has started in a new classroom last week. It's the preK room and he's doing well. Granted, it's only been a week, but he's gotten less reluctant each day. Today he even walked in there excitedly. Good sign! He continues to amaze us with the things he says and does. He spelled 'butterfly' on the way to swim lessons yesterday. We're hoping next year he can help us with our taxes.

I promise to post more frequently now that I'm allowed to talk about what's going on. You know I like to talk. A lot. So imagine how hard it's been for me to be silent. It's been torture, quite frankly. Be prepared for me to make up for lost time. :) And look out for next week when I'm on bed rest and have lots of time to pass...

Pour Some Sugar on Me

2009-05-04T13:52:00.002-07:00

So, lately I've been on an 80s kick. I've been playing my theme song quite a bit (Don't Stop Believing by Journey). I've been playing it so much that Keller now requests it EVERY time we're in the car. And I have to sing. It's awesome. We were even rocking out to Bon Jovi and Cheap Trick over the weekend. My kid is cool.

Anyway, I'm in the car this afternoon and Def Leopard comes on. Every time I hear Def Leopard I am instantly reminded of my Oma. This is my dad's mother (Oma is German for 'grandma'). Oma was quite the lady. We have many funny stories about Oma. So, why would a band like Def Leopard remind me of my Oma?

Well, I guess I need to give some background here. Oma lived with us from when I was about six until I graduated high school. She was a special lady and by that I mean she drove us all crazy. Don't get me wrong, we loved her dearly, but the woman was interesting, to say the least. She had a hearing aid (which she called her 'ear') and couldn't hear a darn thing without it. Her room was next to mine, which was a lot of fun for me. She had her own phone line which rang off the hook day and night. And she would yell into the phone because she couldn't hear half the time.

Again, what does this have to do with Def Leopard? Well, one afternoon I was minding my own business watching some MTV. Def Leopard was on, though I don't remember what video it was. Oma comes into the den to see what I'm doing, trying really hard to be a part of my life (God bless her). Anyway, she asked me what I was watching and I told her it was a band named Def Leopard. Here is kind of how the conversation went:

Oma: What are you watching?
Me: MTV
Oma: What is that?
Me: It shows music videos.
Oma: Oh. Who is that?
Me: Def Leopard.
Oma: Who?
Me: Def Leopard.
Oma: What?
Me: Def Leopard (I'm seriously getting annoyed at this point).
Oma: Dead who?
Me: DEF LEOPARD
Oma: Dead Lovebirds? Who would name their band Dead Lovebirds?
Me: I don't know, them I guess.

I laugh every time I hear Def Leopard and I think of my Oma. What a character.

I Dreamed a Dream

2009-04-16T17:07:00.005-07:00

So, it's Thursday, which means it's jury duty day. So, as you can imagine, I'm not in the best of moods. The day didn't start out right, with some BS I had to deal with all before 8:00 AM. I won't go into it, but I basically think some people in this world just don't give a rat's behind about how they treat people. Needless to say, I was on the receiving end of someone's lack of compassion.

Then I spend a glorious day in jury duty hearing about all the wonderful residents of Montgomery County. I mean, really. We have some real prize citizens here. UGH.

When I'm done today, I drown my sorrows at DSW. Yes, I know, it's not the healthiest of things to do. But I did pick up some cute Spring/Summer shoes! I do feel a little better. :)

I also wanted to share this lovely video. Last night we saw this video of Susan Boyle, who competed in Britain's Most Talented show. She walks onstage to laughs and snickers. The audience thinks she's a joke. And then she sings. Oh man. I cried like a baby. This woman epitomizes the notion of never giving up your dream. Just stick with it, stay positive, and someday you will have your moment. And a moment she had. So, please watch this video and believe that you can have all you want in life too.

Here's the link

Baby Got Back

2009-04-14T07:29:00.002-07:00

Whew. Home from a great weekend in NY. We didn't do a darn thing other than hang out with my family, eat a lot, and watch movies. It was wonderful.

Friday we colored Easter eggs, which was lots of fun. Keller and my dad did most of the coloring. Saturday it rained most of the day, so we weren't able to go to the Easter egg hunt in the park we were planning on attending. We had our own egg hunt Sunday morning. In fact, we had about 20 of them. And we continue to have them at home. It's Keller's new favorite past time. You can see all of our Easter weekend pictures here.

Sunday was nice. All the rain stopped, so after our egg hunts and Easter morning bread, we flew our kite. It gets crazy windy behind my parents' house, so it's a prime kite flying area. Keller was having some trouble keeping the kite in the air, but he loved the loops it would do. After that, we had a great meal with family we hadn't seen in a while. We left to come home at about 7:00 PM, which was the time most people decided to go wherever they were going. It took us about 3 hours to get to New Jersey, which is normally an hour and a half drive. It was miserable. The only bright spot was this billboard we saw a couple of times as we were leaving Brooklyn, before the Verrazano bridge. It said "Got Hemorrhoids?" And underneath this was the name of the clinic: the Proctology Clinic. And while this isn't especially funny, the second 'O' in Proctology was a butt. A big old butt. It's hilarious. See here:

We saw these particular billboards on the BQE. However, there is another one we see on the Belt Parkway. It doesn't have the butt-as-an-'O' but it does still have the butt. Here's this one:

I have to say, that's pretty effective advertising. I wonder who's butt it is?

Bullet the Blue Sky

2009-04-09T04:02:00.002-07:00

I was on the way to work yesterday morning and the car in front of my had those little bullet hole stickers all over the back. You know, those stickers that make the car look like it's been riddled with bullets. Why would one put those idiotic things on their car? What does it really say? That you're a bad ass? Because, to me, it just says that you're an ass.

Because I'm deep in a rant, when did Easter become so commercialized? I know it's always been an opportunity to sell candies and stuffed bunnies, but it's getting out of hand. I was at Target and it was a little overwhelming. All the different types of Easter baskets, toys, clothes, candy, decorations, etc. I mean, we give Keller an Easter basket and do the egg coloring and hunting, but it's not like it's prime present opening time. It's ridiculous.

Now I feel better.

Killing Me Softly

2009-04-03T07:14:00.003-07:00

I think that, by being on the grand jury, I am dying a slow and painful death. It is excrutiating. And I'm not talking boring. It's literally painful to go there.

We're now in our second month of service and we're all becoming disgustingly jaded. We sit there and listen to maybe 15-20 cases each day and it's just horrible. I obviously can't go into exactly what we hear but it's just case after case of crimes. Some of the crimes are not so bad and they usually involve an extremely stupid person committing the crime. Sometimes we even chuckle at the stupidity. But then there are cases we hear that bring us to tears.

I honestly don't know if I'm going to make it through the rest of my service. John and I were talking about it this morning and we're interested in knowing if there have been any studies on grand jury members before and after their terms of service. Are they dead inside after they finish their terms. Because I can definitely see myself heading in that direction.

Maybe it's the weather that is making me feel this way. Or at least contribute. I cannot wait for this weekend. It's supposed to be gorgeous weather-wise and we have some fun plans. Tomorrow morning we're walking in the Race for Lung Life 5K, which is a race honoring the founder of my company who died of lung cancer last year. Then tomorrow evening we're going to Susan's 30th birthday party (Hi Susan! Happy early b-day!). Then Sunday is the Cherry Blossom 10-miler. I'm excited about it because it's truly my favorite DC race. I would love to do well, but I'm not so sure how it's going to go. It took me a lot longer to come back after I broke my toe than I thought it would. I guess because it was a break and dislocation, it was more traumatic. I still have pain every now and then. Between that and all the stuff that's been going on for the past few months, I haven't been able to train as well as I'd hoped. And to top it all off, I've been sick all week! I guess we'll see how things go on Sunday.

Well, this was a cheery post. Hopefully after a fun weekend, I'll be in a better mood on Monday. :)

Best Friend

2009-03-31T12:42:00.008-07:00

As many of you know, I am a person of obsessions. I glom onto something and literally become obsessed with it and think, eat, sleep, dream about this one particular thing. I have written about my various obsessions before. They are numerous and varied, encompassing many ranges of interests. Just thinking about them all makes me laugh.

Anyway, my current obsession is Twitter. I have been a Tweeter or a Tweep for a long time. I have two personas: Coach_Jenn which is generally where I discuss running-related issues and promote my articles and other items of interest to other runners and endurance athletes. For those of you that go to my actual blog page (jennifergill.blogspot.com), you can read my Coach_Jenn tweets. My other persona is simply JennGill where I'm, well, me. I haven't tweeted (i.e. posted) in a while as JennGill because I always was Coach_Jenn. And it's confusing. But over the weekend, I was sick with a yucky stomach ailment (to be polite) and I went to my JennGill page on Twitter to see what was going on. I decided to follow all celebrities using my JennGill persona. You'd be amazed at how many celebrities there are on Twitter. I now know a lot of what these famous people are doing throughout the day and I have to say it's quite fascinating. For example:

Mark Hoppas (Blink-182 band member) does not sleep well and wakes up very early in the morning.
Margaret Cho (comedian) really really loves animals and has a dog named Ralph whom she took to the vet this morning to have a lump looked at (it's nothing).
Soleil Moon Frye (Punky Brewster) had a business meeting this morning and asked what to wear: jeans or a dress (I responded to her and told her to wear a nice, but not-too-nice, dress).
MC Hammer (sort of rapper, wearer of very baggy pants) had a birthday yesterday.
Perez Hilton (gossip monger) loves Cadbury Eggs (as do I).
Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore are currently in the South of France (how horrible for them).
P.Diddy calls himself Ptwitty (ha!).
Snoop Dog only "tweezles" after 11 AM.
Rainn Wilson (Dwight from The Office) thinks he's developing man boobs. And they are an A cup.

You get the idea. I also follow Lance Armstrong who tweets A LOT. He's more obsessed with it than anyone, and clearly admits it. For instance, he just tweeted that he's picking up his kids from school at the moment. Such regular people!!

I highly recommend you get on the Twitter bandwagon. It's so much fun. If you do, be sure to follow me (JennGill for randomness and Coach_Jenn for running stuff)!

By the way, today's song title chosen for my blog post title is by a band named Tweet. Get the connection? Good...

Happy Twittering!

Circus

2009-03-25T13:21:00.005-07:00

It has been a busy couple of weeks! I don't even remember what happened last week, so I can't really write about it. I honestly think I have some early dementia or other neurological problem developing. How bad is that? I can't remember a week ago!

I do remember this weekend being fun. Saturday was the National Marathon and Half Marathon, for which I coached a group. John also ran the half and I had some friends and a client run it as well. Keller and I were down there for the whole thing. It was great. I bought this giant smiley face balloon to use so people could find me before the race and as they were running. And when I say giant, I mean giant. It worked well because everyone could find me and some other random people were telling their friends to meet them by the crazy person with the giant smiley face balloon. It was a little breezy and it kept hitting people in the face. One woman was smashed in the face and John told her she was "kissed." HA! John and I were looking through the official race photos last night and there were tons of photos with the balloon in the background. It was hysterical. We found a new race necessity.

So, race start was at 7:00 am and it was freaking cold. I felt bad for everyone, but I knew it was better than being freaking hot. In fact, it turned out to be a beautiful day for running. Keller and I hung out at the finish line the whole time, which is always fun. We had our cow bells and were screaming our heads off. I always laugh when Keller screams at a race. It's so amusing to me. At first it was general "woo hoos." Then he starting yelling, "Where's my daddy?" I just laughed. And then John came in and all was right with the world. I have to say, while I normally get choked up when my people cross the finish line, I was especially emotional at this race. And not just for my runners, but for everyone I watched at the finish. Because I could really see the range of emotions on their faces: pain, the realization they were at the finish, pride, elation. It really got to me because I know how they feel. It was nice to see. Anyway, all my peeps did really well, I was so proud.

Sunday was the circus. It was a lot of fun. I'd only been to the circus a couple of times in my life and (surprise!) I don't really remember it. But we had a good time, Keller really enjoyed it. Especially the popcorn and sno-cones. He wasn't a big fan of the cotton candy, which just left more for me. He was completely overstimulated after a while and we had to leave a little early. Which, overall, was fine with us.

I actually started feeling sick on Saturday, which hasn't really developed into anything. Well, it's in that in-between stage. Just enough to make me feel icky but not enough to make me stay in bed. I'm actually feeling a little better today, so that's good.

Speaking of today, I had a dentist appointment this morning. I normally see this one hygienist, who I've become pretty friendly with over the years. She's out on maternity leave, so I was with someone else. And this person was quite nice, but too nice. You know how you get completely annoyed by really nice people? You know, they're so sweet and talk your ear off, call you Sweetie and all that? Well, that was this person. "Go ahead and spit, Sweetie." And I feel bad being annoyed, which just adds to the annoyance. Oh well. At least my teeth are well. I have perfect oral hygiene, you know.

Nice to Know You

2009-03-11T14:07:00.002-07:00

I was home with Keller today. He woke up with a bad cough that sounded a lot like croup. So, I wanted to take him to the doctor and get him started on the steroid if it was indeed croup.

We had a nice morning before we went to the doctor. Just cuddling and playing. I didn't even have to fight him to go to the doctor. The doctor (whom Keller told was 'silly' the moment he walked into the exam room) said it's not croup and just a bad cough. Good. I couldn't get over how good Keller was at the doctor. He hates being examined, especially his ears, and he was just fine today.

After the doctor, we came home for lunch. He managed to eat two sandwiches. He can definitely pack it in. I put him down for his nap, and did some work.

He's been up for a while now and he's just been such an angel. I really love the person he is becoming. He is outgoing and friendly, extremely smart and observant, and so sweet. Yes, he has his moments of ugliness, but who doesn't? I don't know why this is hitting me today, I guess it's been a while since it was just me and Keller alone together all day without any other distractions. I've been able to focus on him.

The other night, John and I were looking at some of the photos of Baby Keller we have in the den. In most of them, I can see a tiny little bit of the Keller that he is today but for the most part, he's changed so much. He can do so much on his own now, which is sometimes a good thing and sometimes not so good. Like when he took the eggs out of the fridge because he was going to make himself breakfast. That was a mess. But at least he tried.

I think I'm going through a mid-life crisis or something. My tiny baby isn't so tiny anymore. He can tell me what's wrong and what he needs. Not to mention when he tells me to leave him alone. I'm sad that he's growing up so quickly but at the same time I'm excited to watch him become this pretty cool person. I hope I remember this when he's 16 and telling me how I've ruined his life. :)

Plans & Reveries

2009-03-09T14:24:00.002-07:00

I love the weekend.

My parents came into town this weekend, which is always a nice time. We didn't do anything, but it's just awesome to spend time with them. We haven't seen my dad since Christmas because he was sick and didn't come down with my mom last month. It was so good to see them.

Saturday night the crew went to the Rock and Roll Hotel to see Black Gold. The front person, Eric, is the brother of our friend Marc ("Mr. Mawk" according to Keller). It was a lot of fun. We all had babysitters and basically let loose. And the band was awesome. Such a fun night.

On the way there, we saw a pod of tourists on Segways. Really? A Segway? How do I know they were tourists? It was not just one person trolling DC, but a gaggle of people. No self-respecting DC-area resident is going to ride around on a Segway. It was really quite amusing and pathetic all at the same time. Ever since our former president was filmed falling off a Segway, anyone riding one is automatically deemed a dork. Sorry. By the way, I mentioned this for Susan. Hi Susan!

There was a terrifying twist in events last night. We went out for dinner and as we were getting out of the car, we heard what we thought were gun shots. In Germantown. We then see 3 guys tearing through the parking lot. We went into the restaurant and, coincidentally, Keller threw a fit. He wanted to listen to music in the car. No one wanted to deal with it, so, we left. We go back into the parking lot and the police are all over. We told them what we heard and saw and hopefully something came of it. There weren't any ambulances or anything, so we don't know if anyone was actually shot. I really think a move will be in our not-so-distant future.

On a happy note, my new No Boundaries 5K training program starts tonight and my latest crop of runners will have a wonderful night for their first run. I am quite excited because I love spring running programs. And my friend Kerry will be helping me out with this group, so it should be a fun time.

Jury Duty

2009-03-04T04:19:00.004-08:00

I never updated from Monday. I think I'm still in shock.

After I updated my blog, the legal supervisor from the grand jury came into the waiting room and said that, most likely due to the weather, not enough people showed up for grand jury duty. So, they took about 10 of us up there (myself included). Well, after a scientifically sound way of selecting the grand jury (the judge simply picked), I was selected for grand jury duty. What does this mean, you ask? Well, I need to report to jury duty every Thursday for the next 3 months. Yes, 3 months. Not good.

I'm trying to stay positive about it, but really it's not a good thing. This has thrown a wrench into life since John will need to being Keller to school every Thursday, I have to reschedule a few things with work, and then the whole question of if I'll be able to get paid. I'm not happy about it but at least it's not everyday.

On a completely different note, Keller has been a giant pain when it comes to getting dressed in the morning. He usually wants to stay in his pajamas. So he fights us to get dressed every morning. Then he wants to pick out his own clothes. Which is fine, but he keeps picking clothes that either don't fit or are not appropriate for winter (sue me, I haven't packed up his summer clothes or clothes he's grown out of...I've been busy). Today his shirt is fine but he's wearing some serious high waters. I told him that they were too small and his pants would be too short and he said he liked it. Go figure. When he was a baby, I promised him that I would never put him in high waters. But I didn't pick these pants out for him, so I don't really feel like I failed him. He just has to make these decisions for himself.

It's a Mad Mad World

2009-03-02T05:15:00.000-08:00

Guess where I am...I'm sitting in the jury lounge waiting to find out if I'll be on a jury. But I'll be waiting longer than most. Why? Because Montgomery County, Maryland, one of the richest counties in the country with resources up the ying yang, delayed its opening 2 hours because of the snow and neglected to inform anyone until 40 minutes before we were supposed to be here. We civic-minded folk left early because it's snowing and we wanted to be sure we'd get here on time. Which means we missed the announcement. So we all nearly killed ourselves to get here only to sit and wait for 2 hours to see if we even need to be here. Our tax dollars at work.

So, yes, it's snowing in DC which means the world is coming to an end. At least for today anyway. You know, they've been talking about this snow for days but do you think they plowed? No. Side roads, of course not. But even the interstate was terrible.

Speaking of terrible, on my way here, I nearly hit a dog because some stupid lady let it off the leash. Why are people so stupid?? I turn out of my neighborhood and start towards the main road. I see a dog run out into the street and then turn around and go back. So I continue down the street. I see the dog squat and do its business. Do you think the owner put it on a leash? Nope. I guess she didn't want to disturb the dog. So the dog then darts into the street. I swerve to avoid the dog and run up onto the curb. Not even a half mile from my house. I put down the window and yelled at the lady. I know it was silly but it made me feel better. All I said was, "Could you get your dog, lady?" She said she was trying. Yeah. Looked that way.
And now I'm here. I guess I could be happy I'm not trying to go down to work right now. But I'm in the mood to complain. I'm definitely having some wine when I get home tonight.

Stay tuned, I'm sure I'll update throughout the day.

Say Anything

2009-02-20T07:44:00.004-08:00

I left you all hanging with regard to our date last week. Sometimes I forget I have a blog and therefore I forget to update it. Then, when I do update it, I wonder if people actually read it. Sometimes someone will say something to me about it, but I don't know if writing a blog for a handful of people is really the best use of my time. I could just call them and tell them what's going on. Or write them an email. Which would you prefer?

Until a decision is made, I guess I'll keep writing. Onto the latest happenings...

Our date on Valentine's Day was great. Taylor the Babysitter arrived as we were putting Keller to bed. He went down fairly easily, which was a surprise. I was certain we were going to get a call that he woke up and wouldn't go back to sleep. But there was no call. I was then considering calling home to see how things were going but I had was faced with two possible outcomes: 1) Taylor may not answer the phone and I would freak out (this was our first time having Taylor stay with Keller and we actually didn't discuss this) 2) I would be "that mom" that calls the babysitter 800 times. I didn't call and it ended up being a nice night (though I did sit with my cell phone in my lap). We ate at Rock Creek in Bethesda and it was nice.

Now, I know it sounds like I'm loony when it comes to Keller. That I don't feel comfortable not being home or something. Not true. I am perfectly fine with going out! I was just nervous because this was the first time we had gone out in a long time and I had a feeling something was going to come up that would make us come home. Thankfully, nothing did. So, it looks like more evenings out are in our future. Yay!

We are heading down to Williamsburg today. Sadly, John's grandmother passed away on Wednesday. She was in bad shape, so while it wasn't entirely unexpected, everyone is still understandably upset. I know John's mom is pretty upset. It was her mom.

So, on that note, take some time today to tell the people you know that you love them and appreciate them being a part of your life. I hope my peeps know they mean the world to me.

Love is in the Air

2009-02-14T05:35:00.001-08:00

Today is the big V day. How did the day begin for us? Well Keller woke up at 4 AM. And he was up and ready to go. Grumble grumble.

So I coach my marathon and half marathon group through their long run on Saturday mornings. This morning I went into Safeway to get some water and post-run treats for them and the store was filled with men getting their last minute Valentine gifts. I know it's the thought that counts. But really? Safeway? At 7:30 in the morning? How romantic.

We are still quite excited about our date tonight. We're going to dinner at Rock Creek in Bethesda. We've never been but hopefully it will be good. We could go to McDonalds and I'd be happy.

I hope everyone has a wonderful Valentine's Day. Better get to Safeway before all the good gifts are gone.

Friday I'm in Love

2009-02-13T06:48:00.002-08:00

I am in a GREAT mood today.

It is the Friday before a long weekend. Yay! I have a date with my husband tomorrow night. Yay! We were trying to remember the last time we had a date just the two of us and we were completely unsuccessful. I think it was over the summer when we were in NYC and my parents had Keller for the weekend. That was July. How pathetic is that? But the times they are a changing.

I have been sick with this horrendous sore throat this week. I had a fever yesterday and had to go home from work early. I feel better today but my throat is still ridiculously painful. The glands in my neck are so swollen that it hurts to turn my head. I had a sore throat like this back in January too. I'm probably dying. But even that won't mess up my mood. I'm just really looking forward to this weekend.

Keller isn't feeling well either. John is home with him today. He's had this cough for some time now and he's just been under the weather. Hopefully he will be feeling better by Sunday because we have a Valentine's party to go to and I wouldn't want him to miss seeing his little friends.

Well, that's all for now! Happy Friday!

A Box Full of Sharp Objects

2009-02-05T03:35:00.003-08:00

John is out of town this week. He left yesterday. Have I mentioned how much I hate it when he is out of town? HATE!

Anyway, have you heard of the Snuggie? I know it's been going around on Facebook and it was featured on the Today show of all places. This thing is really strange looking. Here's the commercial:

I don't know what is more funny, the product itself or the commercial. I kind of want one. I know my mother would love one. I could totally see her walking around the house in one. And she's really short, so it would be all dragging behind her.

On the Today show yesterday, they were all wearing them. It was hysterical. The crew and all the anchors had them on. Apparently they're 100% polyester. Could you imagine the static generated by that thing? You'd have to be careful, you may throw sparks all over the place and set the place on fire. My cat, Percy, is always throwing sparks because he's so fluffy. In the winter time he generates static like crazy. I'd have to be careful if he laid on my while I was wearing the Snuggie. We'd be dangerous. Once false move and the couch would be up in smoke.

I think I'm going to get one...

One Week

2009-02-02T09:23:00.002-08:00

Another Monday and another week. This week looks like it will be crazy busy, but good nonetheless.

John is going out of town on Wednesday and will be gone until Sunday. He's going to Marcos Island in Florida, the loser. He goes to this conference every year and we talk about me and Keller joining him, but we always forget about it until it's right here. Oh well. I guess we'll try again next year. But my parents are coming in this weekend to help, so at least we will have fun here too.

This weekend was good. John went out with the boys, so I had Saturday night to myself. I watched Mamma Mia with Meryl Streep. It made me a little uncomfortable. I mean, I liked it, I guess. But seeing her in the role she played was really strange. All the dancing around and singing was hard for me to believe. And then Pierce Brosnan? That was even more unbelievable.

Sunday we did nothing during the day except fight with Keller. That boy. He's something else. He didn't take a nap, which is always a recipe for disaster. Just a lot of not listening and acting badly. But we went over to Holly and Mark's for the Superbowl and that seemed to get him back on track. Seeing the other kids and not having to deal with us is more enjoyable for him, I guess.

On a completely different note, I saw a school bus get pulled over by a cop this morning. I had never seen such a thing before. I don't know if the bus had any students on it but could you imagine? Riding along to school and your bus gets pulled over? I don't know about here, but when I took the bus to school, the kids on my bus would have made life miserable for the bus driver if we got pulled over. The kids on my bus were wretched and the bus driver had no control over them. There would be something going on everyday. It made the 5 minute ride to school pretty interesting. Lots of yelling back and forth between the wretched kids and the bus driver, things were thrown, the bus driver would stop the bus and go back there and yell. It's a wonder we ever got to school.

Happy Monday!

Missing in Action

2009-01-30T04:40:00.004-08:00

I get it. I haven't posted on my blog in a while. It's been busy. I won't go into the tremendous detail, but I hope I'll have something good come out of it soon.

You would think that I'd have a lot to say since I haven't posted on my blog in a month (a month!). Well, not too much has happened. We started a new year, we inaugurated our 44th president, you know, the same old stuff.

I had my last run with one of my clients this morning. He's training for this race called the Krispy Kreme Challenge where you have to eat donuts in between two legs of 2 miles. I think I would puke. I know I would puke. Anyway, he gave me a box of donuts this morning (thank you, Steve!) and, needless to say, the calories I burned during the run have safely made their way back home. I like donuts. In fact, donuts were the first food I craved when I was pregnant.

Anyway, it's Friday and I'm happy. I have nothing witty or exciting to say. But I figured I throw an update on the blog for the heck of it. Maybe something exciting will happen this weekend and I'll have news next week...

Brand New Year (My Revolution)

2008-12-31T06:54:00.003-08:00

This is it! The end of 2008. YEE HA!

You all know what a crappy year it's been for the Gills. Yes, for the most part, we're all intact, but we definitely have some scars to show for ourselves.

Normally at this time of year, I have all these goals and resolutions mapped out, but I honestly don't know what 2009 will bring us. Some things are so up in the air, it's hard to plan. But I do know that we will be working hard to have a good year. I have come to the conclusion that you just can't plan for everything. Things happen that sideline you, sometimes you're down for a little while, and sometimes you're hit so hard, you can't get up for a while. Really, what is the point of having all these goals for a new year? Why can't we make these resolutions on a random Tuesday in April or something? It's what I plan on doing. I think January is going to bring a lot of changes for us and I will just have to see what happens.

On another note, Keller came to work with me yesterday. That was interesting. He was good for the most part because I could close the door to my office and let him watch Word World on the portable DVD player. But he was still kind of unruly, especially as the morning wore on. Every time I had to go speak with someone, I had to bring him with me (obviously) and he would stop along the way in various people's offices. Then when we got to our destination, he would leave and run down the hall, drop and roll (he likes to slide into the floor and roll for some reason). Thankfully, he didn't break anything which I can't say about the last time I brought him to work with me. He was spent when we left. He was out cold less than 5 minutes after we got in the car and managed a nice 3.5 hour nap. And I'm not embarrassed to say I took a nap too. I was just as tired!

Then, last night, I ran with my Marathon/Half Marathon group for the first time in 5 weeks. It was so awesome to be out there with my people again. They are doing so well and to be with them makes me feel whole. I didn't do their whole run, but I did 3 miles and didn't have any pain! It hurts a little this morning, but I think it's just a little stiff or something. So, healing is good stuff!

Well, I hope everyone has a wonderful New Year's Eve. Be safe and have fun. See you next year (groan...I hate it when people say that).

All These Things I've Done (I've got soul but I'm not a soldier)

2008-12-24T08:47:00.003-08:00

Girls on the Run International, the parent to Girls on the Run of Montgomery County, sends out a weekly email to its councils with updates and various musings. In each email there is a "Word up" from Molly Barker, who is the founder of the organization. Molly is a great woman and is probably the goofiest person I've ever met. The weekly email arrived in my Inbox about an hour ago and Molly's "Word up" is as goofy as ever. She discusses 'soul laughing,' which is when you are completely present in the moment and absolutely love the moment you're in. You basically smile on the inside and out. Goofy concept, I know, but I completely relate. Anyone that knows me well knows I'm 100% goofball.

Anyway, Molly listed 15 things that give her that soul-laughing feeling. In the spirit of the holidays, I wanted to play along. I don't know if I can think of 15, but I'll try. And I definitely pilfered one from Molly because I feel the same way. Here's my take on soul laughing, in no particular order:

Keller's belly laugh. Gets me every time.
When we dance to "Birthday" for someone's birthday. Everyone is involved, even Lola the dog.
Someone in the car next to me is singing at the top of their lungs, especially when hands are in motion and head movements are included.
Anything that Keller says, really. Especially when he tells me I'm his best friend. :)
Spending time with my girls. Cheapest, yet most effective, therapy around.
Watching the Kona Ironman Championships.
Listening to John talk and play with Keller when he doesn't know I'm listening.
Watching anyone I've coached cross a finish line. Or hear about a wonderful workout they've had. Really, just seeing anyone I've ever coached have a proud moment in running shoes or not.
Spending time with my parents.
Watching Keller in school, interacting with his friends and teachers, when he doesn't know I'm there.
Seeing people do nice things for others just for the heck of it. Simple things, like holding the elevator or saying "hello."
Getting Christmas cards.
Getting hugged. I really like hugs.
Dancing like a lunatic. And seeing people laugh because of it.
Running.

There are my 15.

Speaking of running, I ran for the first time yesterday. I did 2 miles of running and walking and felt really good. I didn't have any pain while I was running and I haven't had an residual pain. Yippy! I'm back, baby!

I hope all of you have a wonderful, JOYOUS holiday! Be safe and merry!

Splish Splash

2008-12-23T08:03:00.003-08:00

There was a massive water main break this morning in Bethesda, not too far away from my office. How does this affect me? The bathrooms aren't working. You know, not flushing... It's disgusting and I'm disgruntled that they're actually making us stay here without proper functioning toilets. For someone that drinks a lot of water, such as myself, it is not fun. NOT FUN, people.

So...onto other topics. I saw my podiatrist yesterday. He's not really my podiatrist, but the one that saw me when I broke my toe and he's been the one following up with me. On a side note, his name is Dr. Footer. Isn't that funny? And appropriate? I wonder if he went into podiatry because of his name. Anyway, he's very nice and I like him a lot. Any doctor that tells me straight up that I'm clumsy is OK in my book. And, he also said....drumroll....I can start moving my behind! I can start "fast walking" with running mixed in. There really isn't a chance I will dislocate it again, unless my clumsy self does something to it, as he politely mentioned.

I am going to try running today! On the treadmill, it should be all right. I'll be sure to give you an update!

Going Under

2008-12-19T03:52:00.005-08:00

Why do people feel the need to tell you that you look tired? Really? I hadn't noticed. But THANKS.

Seriously. Don't you think I already know I look tired? It's not like I don't see myself in the mirror.

Anyway, that's what's going on here. Apparently I look very tired and people feel the need to tell me. It's not like there isn't anything going on. It is the holiday season, after all. So the usual ugly stresses of life are multiplied by 800 due to the holiday stress. And I'm still inactive, so I'm not sleeping well. I haven't been able to swim because it's been busy. But I was also having some pain in my shoulders. I couldn't lift my arms up over my head!

I go back to the doctor on Monday. That is the 4-week mark of breaking my toe. I really hope he tells me I can run. I am going out of my mind here. But even if I can't run, I wore running shoes for the first time yesterday. It felt all right. So, I can at least take a spinning class now. I can't very well take a spinning class in Crocs, you know.

I'm currently watching my little 3-year old son spelling and writing. He just wrote 'slide.' He is a spelling guru and we think he'll be reading pretty early. It's kind of freaky how good he is with spelling and letters. He'll ask me to spell something for him and he remembers it from only hearing it once. He's going to be too smart for us before too long.

We're heading down to Williamsburg tomorrow for early Christmas with the Gills. We haven't seen them since John's race in September, so it should be nice. Then next week is a short week and Christmas, so perhaps I'll have a chance to sleep. You know, so I won't look so tired.

Happy Friday, people.

Bust a Move

2008-12-14T14:28:00.000-08:00

I am currently sitting in the Van Ness Metro station. They are doing track work so I have a 20 minute delay here. Yay me.

This weekend was super busy. I went out with the girls Friday night for Allison's birthday. That was fun. Then I coached Saturday morning. That was good too. We then headed down to Richmond to Mendy's. She was having Cameron's birthday party. He actually turns three on the 22nd but had his party early. That was a lot of fun.

You know, whenever we go down there I always want to live there. Just because things seem so much more relaxed and life just isn't a big deal. I don't understand why it's that way here. I guess because it's the nation's capital or something. But I would much rather live in a more low key environment. Too bad we couldn't find jobs for ourselves in Montana.

Anyway, this morning my 8K group had their race. It went very well for them. I was the proud mama at the finish line again. All my runners always make me feel proud no matter what they do. They're out there working and that is more than what most people do. They are all rock stars in my book.

After the race I had my bookclub holiday lunch at Black Market Bistro. That was yummy. Even though it's "bookclub" it's really just my girls getting together. And it was as fun as usual.

Then it was off to a client meeting in DC. Which is how I ended up in my current situation. I really love going into DC and all but it is such a pain in the butt to get in and out of the city.

Well, that's that. Tomorrow is another Monday that I'm not looking forward to. But it will be Christmas soon enough and time off will be here.

Happy day to all of you. Hopefully I'll be out of this stupid Metro station soon.

Weird Science

2008-12-10T10:19:00.003-08:00

According to accuweather.com, it's currently 68 degrees here in Bethesda, MD. WTF? It's December.

I have been having a weird day. Nothing happened at all. Same old stuff. But for some reason, I just feel weird. Well, more weird than usual. I'm having strange thoughts and weird moments. I think it's the weather and there's an apocalypse coming. Or something. I just feel like I'm just sort of observing the day, but not really participating. I'm a quiet observer today.

The week has been fairly normal so far. I actually started swimming again and it's felt really great to be active again. It's been a long 2 weeks of inactivity.

Tonight is the first night of no coaching on Wednesdays. Maybe that's what is making me feel weird. I have plans for me and Keller to go visit friends, so it's not like I don't know what to do with myself.

So, I neglected to mention in my last blog post the haircut we gave Keller Sunday night. I don't usually like to mention things that kind of portray me as an idiot. Well, that's not true. It's more of me being an idiot and my child is involved. See, John and I got the crazy idea that we would give Keller a haircut using the clipper things John uses. I normally cut Keller's hair because he HATES getting his hair cut. This wasn't always the case but it is now, so whatever. John wanted to try these clipper things because he thought it would be easier. So, we go along clipping Keller's hair and all is fine but I was having a hard time getting the back clipped. I don't know if it was the way Keller was sitting or what, but I couldn't get any hair off the back. John suggested I take the safety thing off the clippers and cut it that way. So, I did. And now my poor child has a bald spot on the back of his head!!! I totally scalped him. I repeat, John told me to do it. I defer all balme to him. At least it's on the back of his head and not the front, but it is noticable. And he was so cute sitting there, all unknowing, watching his Word World. While we scalped him.

Don't get me wrong, the rest of the haircut is fine. He looks as adorable as ever. But that poor little bald spot makes me feel bad every time I look at it. My poor child.

So, I guess the weather, my strange paranoid thoughts, and my scalped child are lending to the weirdness of the day. Hopefully it will pass. It's making me sleepy.

I'm So Excited (And I Just Can't Hide It!)

2008-12-06T13:32:00.008-08:00

Today is an important Monday for many reasons.

The January 2009 issue of Runner's World hit the shelf over the weekend and guess who happens to be in it? That's right, me! I have known about this for some time and it's been killing me not to say anything (unless it didn't happen) and to wait to see if it did.

There is a section of the magazine that's a Q & A with experts. And I'm one of the experts this month. It's pretty cool and something on my life list that I can cross off (being in Runner's World). In case you happen to pick up the issue, it's page 38. :)

Also exciting news is that this past Saturday morning was the goal race for my Beginning 5K group. They were all there with bells on (it was the Jingle Bell 5K after all). It was so cold (20 degrees). But everyone finished in great time and I couldn't be more proud.

Today also happens to be the 28th anniversary of the death of John Lennon. While this isn't really a very happy thing, it is something that should be acknowledged (in my opinion). John Lennon was such a visionary and so ahead of his time. His unfortunate and tragic death really robbed the world of true greatness. There are times when I have gotten upset that the coming generations of people will never know music genius like Lennon and the Beatles. I know, I'm getting crazy, but the Beatles were more than just a band and it's important that their influence is still felt.

Anyhoo, the last item of interest today is that I am wearing a real shoe on my left foot. Yay! I am not wearing that hideous shoe anymore. Well, I'm not wearing it right now, anyway. My toe/foot has been feeling better, so I thought I'd give a real shoe a try. It seems to be all right at the moment but I did bring my ugly shoe with me today in case my foot starts hurting badly.

So, that's the news this fine, yet extremely cold, Monday morning. Have a good one!

Bad Mood Mom

2008-12-05T05:45:00.003-08:00

I am currently home with a pink eyed kid. Again.

I had a feeling when I picked up Keller from school yesterday that he'd be home with me today. There are several things that are annoying about pink eye. Let's go over them:

It's highly contagious so I'm washing everything he touches, all day long.
It's insidious. Keller had pink eye last week. We got the drops, it went away, and now it's back.
Pink eye doesn't make you feel bad, so my normally crazy active child is still crazy active and I can't bring him anywhere to to release his energy.
Giving eye drops to a 3-year old is not my idea of a fun thing.

So, there are my preliminary thoughts on pink eye. It's awful and I hate it!

Now my previously annoyed state is just agitated by the pink eye. Why am I annoyed? Well, I've been on my own this week because John is out of town. I'm exhausted. My broken foot is killing me from running around all over the place. And I miss being able to run for real. I met with a friend yesterday for lunch and she asked me what races I have lined up. Um, none. I just don't know what's happening between my current broken state and then if and when I'm having surgery on my other foot. I can't commit to anything and I feel completely aimless.

On a more uplifting note, my Beginning 5K group has their race tomorrow. I know it will be cold, but I can't wait to see them. This group has been outstanding and fun. They are incredibly motivated and it has been a lot of fun to coach them. They just want to know everything about running and are excited to learn. I will miss them and I hope they all come back for the 10K program I'll be coaching beginning in February.

Anyway, that's my rant for the day. Happy Friday!

One Week

2008-12-01T18:02:00.003-08:00

It was one week ago today that I broke my toe. It feels like a lifetime ago.

I went back to the doctor today. He said my toe is still in place and things seem to be healing nicely. I still can't put a lot of weight on it, and certainly can't run on it. But I can start to swim. My toes are still wrapped so I'd have to either swim with the wrap and look like an idiot, or take it off and be really careful. I think I'll just wait until next week and give it a try.

Keller's pink eye has cleared up nicely. It actually cleared up after the first day of giving him the eye drops. He was weird about the drops. Sometimes he'd hate them and cry. Then other times he would be fine. It was weird. But the pink eye is gone and that's really all that matters. He went back to school this morning. John took him in, and while Keller didn't really want to go in, he ultimately had a good day. I'm so glad things are going well for him at school!

I guess that's all from this front. John is going out of town on Wednesday and will be gone until Saturday. It will be a long week, but I'm sure everything will be fine. My beginning 5K group's 5K is Saturday morning and that is very exciting. Keller and I will be there cheering them on!

Thank You

2008-11-27T12:47:00.005-08:00

Today is Thanksgiving. Happy T-day, everyone!

Last night we pretty much decided we weren't going down to Williamsburg for the holiday. I have been sick all week with a sore throat and high fever and sitting in the car in traffic with a broken foot is the last thing I want to do.

I felt bad and horribly guilty over it, but in the end, it was the right decision. When we woke up this morning there was that familiar crust on Keller's eye-- PINK EYE! We're heading to the doctor first thing in the morning to be sure and get some drops. Fun times in the Gill household, indeed.

I was feeling down and depressed and all that about not being among family, blah blah blah. But really, I'm with the people that matter most to me and that is what I'm truly thankful for. And John went to the store first thing this morning and got the full spread. We'll be eating here the moment Keller gets up from his nap.

And we just discovered a Rocky movie marathon on VS, and really, this holiday just couldn't get any better now. And I just happen to be wearing my "Cut me...Mick" shirt too. It is fate. Eye of the Tiger, baby.

Just wanted to let everyone know that I'm thankful for my wonderful family and friends, past, present, and future. I love you!

By the way, it's our pup, Lola's 7th birthday today too. Happy Birthday, Lo Bo!

I'll Be Back Upon My Feet

2008-11-25T04:18:00.004-08:00

Well, not too long after I wrote my blog post yesterday, I began the ultimate adventure.

John and I were getting ready for work in the bathroom and we were discussing Thanksgiving. I was completely distracted as I walking in and out of the bathroom. Well, on my way back in, I slammed my foot into the door. Not just into the door, but it hit between the door jamb and the door itself. My tiny baby toe was pulled so hard by the force that it broke, and I tore a ligament which dislocated the entire toe bone from the joint.

It was horrible! I broke another toe back when I was a kid, so I knew the pain and I knew I had broken my toe again. In fact, I could see the bone in the wrong place. I didn't know it was dislocated, but I knew that wasn't right!

I went to the doctor (the podiatrist) right away. They took X-rays and told me it was broken, I had torn a ligament, and it was dislocated. He had to reset the bone. Now, this really worried me because you see on all the doctor shows how painful it is to reset a bone. It is, but what's the painful part is the numbing. The doctor had to give me two shots of Novocain into my foot. One right below my toe joint and the other in the back of my foot. I screamed out, it was so painful. I made the doctor feel bad, he actually apologized. Once it was numb, he reset the bone. I didn't really feel pain at that point. I have this weird problem with bones. They completely gross me out. I can't have bones touching, like when I sleep on my side, the blanket has to be between my knees. When someone touches a bone, even if it's my elbow, I want to puke. So, I thought I was going to puke all over the place when he was resetting the bone. Thankfully, I didn't.

The doctor then put a plaster splint on my foot and I have to wear one of those gorgeous shoes. It's really sexy. And I can't run for a month. A month! I can't do anything for the next week. Then I get the splint off, and maybe I can swim then. After 2 weeks I can ride the recumbent bike (no weight on the foot). The doctor said because of the dislocation and torn ligament, the toe joint is very unstable and I have to be careful to let it heal correctly.

This would be all fine and good except I A) am a pretty avid runner and B) coach runners for a living. So, last night was the meeting of my 8K group. I followed them in my car. Well, I'd go ahead to show them where to go, then they'd catch up, then I'd go ahead, etc. It actually worked out very well. My runners now have their very own pace car, just like the professionals.

So, that's that. This was just perfect timing with the holidays coming. It was funny, one of my runners said last night that it wasn't all bad: the holidays on pain medication could be a good thing. I haven't gotten my prescription filled yet....

I Want to Break Free

2008-11-24T04:03:00.003-08:00

I have not even felt like writing in my blog. Isn't that awful? I am usually never at a loss for words. But things have been hard and the one thing that has been making me the most stressed I won't talk about here. Let's just say I'm REALLY looking forward to the short work week.

So, let's talk about the weekend instead. Friday night, the girls got together over at Mary's. We hadn't all been together in quite some time. It was fun, as always.

Saturday morning started with me coaching my marathon/half marathon group. Because it's a large group, and they all run at different paces, I often ride my bike along side them. Well, that was the plan this Saturday. I started off and my hands and feet were frozen in a matter of minutes. I almost fell off a number of times because I couldn't feel my brakes. While it was a little scary for me at the time, I'm sure I was quite the sight to see me floundering around on my bike. I had my thickest gloves and socks on, so I don't think there was anything more I could do. I had to go back to my car and follow everyone around in my car. It was comical to say the least. I will have to find another solution there.

Later in the day, we went over to Eric and Isa's for an early Thanksgiving. They are traveling down to FL for the holiday, so they wanted to have friends over for an early feast. And what a feast it was. We ate like there was no tomorrow. It was a fun night with all the food, wine & champagne, and card games and Wii. Wii is a very interesting thing. I kind of really want one because it's a lot of fun, but I know that I'd play all the time and nothing would ever get done. You know, like me and Facebook, Twitter, blogging, etc.

Sunday I met with a client in the morning. He's such a nice guy and he's come such a long way in his running. Then the rest of the day was lazy. Well, I shouldn't say lazy, because I spent most of the day doing laundry, folding it and putting it away. And I didn't even finish. But I definitely made a dent.

And now it's Monday. Yahoo. But what's funny is that Keller is starting pee wee soccer tonight. It should be interesting because we were talking about it yesterday and he said he doesn't want to play soccer. So, this should be fun. At least we can get a refund if he doesn't like it! And I have my 8K group tonight and that should be fun. Lately, my groups are the only things I look forward to.

The Kid is All Right

2008-11-16T07:11:00.003-08:00

I cannot believe it's been almost 2 weeks since I've updated my blog. That's the longest I've ever gone. Really, the most I've ever gone between posts was maybe 3 days. This is a sign of how things have been.

Things have been rough. Just really busy with work, coaching, home life, yoga teacher training, etc. I kind of feel like I'm drowning. But this is the last day of teacher training, so hopefully I will start to get back to normal soon.

I've been having some kind of emotional block with my running lately. I just do not feel like running. I run with my groups, and it's always great. I look forward to running with them tremendously. But all other runs just don't interest me. I have been trying to figure out why. I was looking through my running log for the last couple of years to see if there were any patterns. Do I always get like this in the fall? Has this ever happened before? Etc. Well, the thing that I noticed was that there was a definitely loss of mo-jo this summer. I was doing well until about mid-July. So, I was trying to think about what was going on and it hit me. All the crap that had been going on this year was catching up with me: my grandmother dying, Archie dying, my mom's illness, Keller's issues at school and me trying to find him a new one, work issues, the list goes on. It really came to a head in August. I had floundered at the NYC Half Marathon and was really low. I then had my own health problems, and while everything is fine, I just never recovered emotionally from it all. I didn't stand a chance at Chicago.

I'm writing about this because, as you know, running is a very big part of my life and when it doesn't go well, it radiates through everything. It's a good example of the mind-body-connection. When the body fails, so does the mind. Well, for me anyway.

I have been thinking about the groups that I coach and how I invest so much emotionally with them. Really, I do with all my clients. And one of my groups, the beginning 5K group, just makes me so happy. They all make me happy, but this one is different. They are so inspiring and motivating because they are so excited by what they're doing. They've never run before and the fact that they can run now, and not pass out, is invigorating to them. They feel unstoppable. Was I ever like that in my running? I don't remember. I need to try and be excited by my running.

I just think I need to be "in the moment" more with everything, but especially my running. I need to focus on one day at a time, and not just on a particular race or event. I need to have fun so it doesn't feel like work. Because it was for a while. I've been training for something since December of 2005. This is the first time in 3 years I'm not training for anything. I can have fun and run because I love it. I'm not saying that training for something isn't fun and all that, it is. But I'm just burned out on racing. It's time to just run.

So, that's my rant for the day. I need to go prepare for my last day of teacher training. I have to teach a class and the thought makes me want to pass out. Yay!

The Times They Are A Changing

2008-11-05T02:56:00.004-08:00

You know it.

I feel like the doors have flown open and we can accomplish anything.

We elected an African American man to be our President. A man that believes anything is possible if we come together, recognize what are our needs our, and meet them with respect and dedication. I know it's virtually impossible for one man to change the world, but I feel if anyone can, it's Barack Obama.

We could not stay awake last night, but John woke me up shortly after 11 to tell me Obama won. It didn't sink in because I was still kind of sleeping. But when I woke up this morning, it really felt like Christmas morning. I have never been this excited to see what will come.

John and I kind of ran downstairs to watch the news, and there it was: Obama's speech in Chicago's Grant Park. We sat there, tears streaming down our faces, excited and hopeful at the turn our country has made.

This has to be how it felt when Kennedy was elected. Maybe it's beyond that.

I just want to say thank you to everyone for believing in change, believing we can do anything, and taking this election as seriously as it truly was. It is a new day in our country.

Ain't That America

2008-11-04T02:45:00.003-08:00

It's here!

We have been waiting for this Election Day for what feels like years. And I guess it has been well over a year with primaries and all that. At this point, I'm usually so fed up with Election shenanigans that I can't wait for it all the be over. But this time is really different for me.

This is the 4th Presidential Election in which I will be voting. The first one was Clinton's second term and it was very exciting for me. Clinton came to speak at ASU and a bunch of us skipped class so we could see him. How often do you get to see a President speak live? Oh, it was awesome. Exciting and electric. I think I'll always remember that day.

The next two elections were such a debacle. I think the whole mess really turned people off from voting and changed the general attitude of Americans. In fact, a coworker was talking about that just yesterday. About how her vote doesn't count, etc.

But I really think this election has changed that feeling for a lot of people. Oh, I'm sure there are people that still feel their voice won't be heard and won't vote, which is truly a shame. But, whatever your political feelings are, the results of this election will be groundbreaking. We'll either have the first African American President, or the first female Vice President. That's huge, any way you look at it.

I am watching the news as I write this. The polls don't open here in Maryland until 7:00. It's currently 6:00 and they just reported on a polling site in Rockville that has had people in line since 3:30. While that's a little excessive, it's also really freaking cool. They interviewed that first man in line and he said he was just too excited to wait. This is his first election and he's nervous and excited and can't concentrate on anything else. I think that's amazing. Seriously, think about it. There's no monetary or material gain. He's not waiting in line for a video game or cell phone. He's waiting 3 and a half hours in line TO VOTE. If that's not inspiring you to get out there, I don't know what will.

I won't take this time to discuss politics and agenda. I think you all have an idea of who I'm voting for. I just hope that all of you vote. It's the most important, and quite possibly the easiest, thing you can do to make a difference in this country. And besides, if you don't vote, you can't complain about anything.

Rock the vote, people.

Push Push

2008-10-31T04:20:00.002-07:00

I know you've all been wondering about my 100 Push Up Challenge (PUC) progress. Well, wait no more, people. I am still rocking the push ups.

I finished Week 2, Day 3 earlier this week:

Set 1: 12 push ups
Set 2: 13 push ups
Set 3: 10 push ups
Set 4: 10 push ups
Set 5: max (I did 15)

Yes, that's a total of 60 push ups!! I am pretty proud of myself considering I couldn't do 1 push up not too long ago.

After Week 2, you're supposed to do a progress test to see if your baseline has moved up. Well, I had to delay mine because I hurt my arm. Not from doing push ups, no, from carrying around a 32+ pound 3-year old boy.

I picked Keller up from school on Tuesday and we headed to Trader Joe's. He started dozing in the cart. He then started fussing because he couldn't get comfortable and really wanted to sleep. So, I carried him around in one hand and push the cart around and dud my shopping with the other. I had to get food! Don't judge me. He slept for almost an hour like that.

Needless to say, my arm was dead for about 2 days. I couldn't do my progress test. Well, I did it this morning and I surprised myself with my push-up prowess. My initial exhaustion test, done before all the push ups started, was 9. I could do 9 push ups before I pooped out. My exhaustion test this morning was....22 push ups! That's quite some progress, don't you think?

Anyway, it's Halloween and we're looking forward to it. Keller's costume is 100% original since I made it. I will definitely post a picture after all is said and done. He has his parade at school this morning and then trick-or-treating tonight. It should be a fun day.

And I want to say to my dad: Happy Birthday!!! You and mom rock and I hope you have a great day. Talk to you in a little bit. Love you!

The Winner Takes It All

2008-10-30T14:16:00.004-07:00

I have been having a downright shitty week. Nothing happened in particular. I am just contemplating life and things and all that crap, which is always depressing. There's more to it than that, but I won't get into it now.

So, after the whirl wind that is the usual morning routine, I get to work and go about my day. On a small mini-break, I log into my Twitter account for my alter ego, Coach Jenn (check it out here). Anyway, another Twitterer, Blaine also known as Run to Win, has been having this contest all week to give away 5 copies of the new movie that's coming out about Fred Lebow, a crusader in the New York City running community and responsible for bringing to the city one of the most highly regarded and sought after marathons in the world. Anyway, I've entered the contest each day and....I won yesterday. Yahoo!

If you go to Blaine's website and look at the post for the winner of Day 3 of the contest, you'll see a video that has him picking the winner and clicking on my website! It was kind of cool. It's nice to know someone looks at my website every now and then. ;)

I'm very excited about getting my DVD. I've been wanting to see this movie since I first heard about it months ago. I ran NYC last year and while it certainly wasn't my best race (I didn't really train well for it), it was amazing. Growing up in NY, you hear about this race and the magnitude it has. It brings 5 boroughs and countless neighborhoods together for one day. And when you're running, you feel like a rock star. I was wearing my Livestrong gear and people were calling me Lance, cheering me on. It was great. So, I can't wait for my DVD to arrive.

See, I guess the day isn't all bad.

Falling Down

2008-10-28T09:30:00.004-07:00

Anyone that knows me knows that I am prone to accidents of all kinds, falling off chairs, you name it. This is the main reason why I run because I don't have to touch anything or anyone (though I did kick ass at relays in high school). The last few days have been especially clumsy, in various ways.

On Friday, I nearly had a nervous breakdown. You know that tiny space in between the front seat of a car and the center console (this is ususally found in SUVs)? You know how when you drop things in there, they're usually lost forever? Well, as I get into the car to go home on Friday, I dropped my entire key ring into that tiny space. How did they fit, was my first question. But they did. Every thought is going through my head: how will I get home, how will I pick Keller up, I'm stuck in this garage forever, etc. I was able to get them out, though I had to crawl under the front seat from the back seat. Imagine walking through the parking garage and see some weird lady's legs hanging out of the back seat of a Honda Pilot. That would be me. But, after scraping my arms up and cursing a little, I got my keys out. I didn't cry either!

On Saturday I ruined a perfectly good cup of coffee by accidentally adding orange juice to it. And I already had a cup, so I can't blame it on that. For a split second I thought about just drinking it anyway, but since I'm not that big of an OJ fan to begin with, this wouldn't be a good idea.

Then just this morning I dropped a paper clip down the front of my dress. Now this really wouldn't be a big deal, but I can't find it. I don't really know how I dropped it down there to begin with, but when I did, I felt it slide all the way through. I thought it fell out, but I didn't see it anywhere. So, I went to the restroom to see if I could find it. I looked everwhere, even in my boots and it's gone. So, I retraced my steps to see if it fell out as I was walking to the restroom. No paper clip. It's definitely perplexing.

My most famous idiotic moment has to be when I was in college. I was at the movies with a friend and we were doing that hip check thing where you hit each other with your hip. As I was about to hip check with all the force I could muster, my friend moved away. I had all this momentum built up, so I couldn't stop. Plus it all happened so fast. Well, needless to say, I went flying. And because I had all this momentum, I didn't just fall to the ground. I fell, and rolled. Seriously, I rolled across the floor of the movie theater. I don't remember what other people around me did because I was too busy laughing. I think I laughed for the entire movie. I'm laughing now just thinking about it.

Happy Tuesday, everyone!

Keep on Smiling

2008-10-27T04:19:00.003-07:00

This weekend was heavenly. I just didn't want it to end.

We didn't have to travel. We didn't have to train for anything. We had plans with friends and that was it. And that was awesome.

We actually watched a movie Friday night. It was the first time we watched a movie together in literally months. We watched Smart People with Dennis Quaid and Sarah Jessica Parker. It was good. Interesting with some funny moments.

Saturday morning was nice and lazy. After breakfast John, Keller, Lola the dog, and I went for a walk and took the soccer ball. We kicked the ball around for a while, until Lola got too annoying and wouldn't let anyone play. We then went to the playground until it started to rain. We ran back home, dried off and then had some lunch.

We then all took naps, which was awesome. We then got up and got ready for Noah's birthday party. That was fun and chaotic. It was at My Gym, which is a free-for-all. Keller just goes crazy there, so it was an hour and a half of chasing him around, making sure he didn't fall off some apparatus.

After Keller went to bed, we watch another movie. We watched No Country for Old Men. While I'm usually not one for extremely violent movies, this was pretty good. It had some very interesting dialogue. I liked it.

Sunday morning we went downtown to watch the Marine Corps Marathon. This was my first (and second) marathon, so it's pretty nostalgic for me. It was a gorgeous morning and it was cool watching all the front runners go by. I usually don't get to see them since I'm way behind them. It was awesome.

After the marathon, we met Eric and Isabel for brunch. We hadn't seen them in a while, and Saturday was Eric's birthday, so we needed to get together. We stuffed ourselves and had a great time.

We then went home, had naps, I went for a run, and then we all went over to Mary and Steve's for a great dinner. The usual suspects were there, and it was a great time.

So, this was my idea of a perfect weekend. Friends, food, and fun! Happy Monday!

Ray of Light

2008-10-23T04:31:00.003-07:00

I knew it would take just a couple of nights of really good sleep to feel better. While I still have a lot going on, at least I feel a little more capable of handling it now.

Before I go any further, I want to share something I'm extremely proud of. I had the great opportunity to chat with a local running celebrity: Michael Wardian. This guys is just a year older than me and he's accomplished so much as a runner. He is great in every race he enters, often winning them. But he's also a dad, a husband, and a successful international ship broker. He is incredibly balanced and has a fantastic outlook on life. Even if you're not a runner, this interview will change the way you look at staying fit. Please take a look!

Speaking with Mike really made me think about how I run, how I put too much pressure on myself causing my races to tank, and how I should just have a good time. The rest should follow.

And I'm definitely making progess with my current challenge: the 100 push up challenge. I finished week 1, and have moved into week 2. Here's what I did yesterday:

Set 1: 9 push ups
Set 2: 11 push ups
Set 3: 8 push ups
Set 4: 8 push ups
Set 5: max (I did 12 push ups)

That's another 48 push ups under my belt!

Anyway, I hope have a great day!

Old Brown Shoe

2008-10-21T15:58:00.002-07:00

I need to be very depressing at the moment. Cut me some slack, I haven't written anything depressing in a long time.

I have finally reached my limit. I am completely spent. I have been going a mile a minute for months now and I literally feel like I can't move a single step further.

It all just kind of hit me today. I've been feeling stressed and overwhelmed for a while, but I kind of just deflated today. Things have been hectic and hard for us all year, but by late August, things kind of evened out. Keller had settled into his new school, my mom's health was in check, my own health scare was worked out, and I was able to cut my hours at work. But since then, it has just been building in momentum.

Since the beginning of September, we've celebrated Keller's birthday and had his party, John did his race so we traveled there, I did my race so we traveled there, we went to Sesame Place, I've had two running groups start, I started writing for the D.C. Examiner (which I love), and I fit 40 hours of work into 25 hours every week. And those are just the big things. I'm not even counting the other 800 things we have been doing in between everything.

I'm not trying to sing a woe is me song. As all of this was going on, it was just life. I was just going through the motions. But it just all hit me today. I feel disconnected from everything and I had to just come home today and lay down. I had a mile long list of things to do but I just had to put it all on hold for a little while. It didn't really help.

I don't really have much of a point here. I guess I just needed to get it out, maybe rationalize why I feel the way I do. I know I'll feel better soon. I need a couple of nights of good sleep and things to just slow down. While I don't think I can get things to slow down, I can at least go to bed early.

Tomorrow is another day...

Walking on Sunshine

2008-10-20T04:37:00.003-07:00

It seems as though our trip to Sesame Place was a success. Keller had a blast and that was the goal.

It kind of started as a comedy of errors. When we got to the hotel in PA, my parents were already there and had told me what room we were staying in. Apparently I didn't hear them, and while John was parking the car, Keller (who was sleeping and waking up) and I were trying to open someone else's room. This wouldn't be a big deal except it was about 10:30 at night. They were asleep and got out of bed! But I wasn't off by too much because we were staying in the room next door. Thankfully I didn't see the woman that answered the door again or I would have been mortified!

Then, as we were filling up the air mattress, the motor on the thing died. So, I ended up sleeping on the very hard hotel floor. See, we brought the air mattress for Keller to sleep on. Obviously, I wasn't going to let my child sleep on the floor, so John slept with him in the bed and I was on the floor. It was quite uncomfortable and my back has been messed up since then. Nothing like running a marathon one weekend, having a sick baby in addition to a nonstop busy week and then sleeping on the floor the next weekend. It will be a wonder if I ever feel recovered from this race.

By the time Saturday came around, we were ready to go to Sesame Place. When we got there, we had to go through the Fort Knox security at the front gate: they finger print you in addition to scanning your name and admission ticket. Ok. Because that's necessary. And my mom, who apparently could double as an assassin, didn't have a readble finger print.

When we got through the hoopla of the front gate, it was go time. They were having trick-or-treating throughout the park, so we promptly got our bag and started. We went through a corn/hay maze a few times. We then played in the game area for a while and won a stuffed penguin, an Ernie basketball and a little stuffed white seal that we named Wally. Keller actually won that one himself, and has taken quite a love to it.

At 12:30 we enjoyed an hour-long lunch with Big Bird, Elmo, Bert, Ernie, Zoe, and the Count. Keller was in heaven. Truly. He had a great time. When he met the Count, he promptly showed him how he could count by putting his fingers up into the Count's face. It was priceless.

After lunch, we walked around some more and then headed back to the hotel for naps. Then it was to Red Robin for dinner. That is always good.

Sunday morning, we enjoyed a wonderful breakfast back at the park with Big Bird, Elmo, Bert, Ernie, and Zoe. Again, Keller was in heaven.

After breakfast, we walked around some, played on some slides, found the trick or treating candy spots, and just enjoyed the chilly Fall day. We heard that Cookie Monster was going to make an appearance, so we stuck around. Then, finally, at 1:30, there he was! I was quite excited, though Keller had fallen asleep by then. Oh well. At least I got my picture with him. :) You can't beat Cookie Monster.

After hanging with CM, we headed out. We said goodbye to my parents and started back home. The trip home was uneventful and we got home at about 5:00. I am so glad to be home. While it was fun and Keller had a great time, I am pooped! As it turned out, I didn't sleep well again last night and still have not been able to get a good post-marathon night's sleep.

And now it's back to the real world. This week will be just as busy. Client meetings, deadlines, etc. Not looking forward to it. I am looking forward to my 8K Training Group starting tonight. That will be fun!!

Happy Monday.

Love Is In the Air

2008-10-17T04:07:00.003-07:00

Could it be? Could Fall actually be here?

I love Fall. It is my absolute favorite season. I mean, Spring is pretty awesome, but for some reason, Fall is wonderful for me. I love the crisp, cool mornings and chilly night air. It's perfect for running, though I'm not running until next week.

This weekend marks the very first weekend both me and John are free from training. No one is training for anything. Yay! So, we decided to mark the occasion by going to Sesame Place for some sweet family fun. Keller is crazy for Sesame Street, it's all he wants to watch. He'll wake up in the morning saying, "Sesame Street is brought to you by the letter C and the number 4." Seriously.

Anyway, when I told my parents that we were going to the Happiest Place on Earth (for Keller) they thought it would be great to join us. So, we're meeting there (it's right outside of Philadelphia, which is about halfway to both of us). We'll be all piling into one room, which should be fun. We have breakfast with Elmo and friends one morning, and we will be on the hunt for all the characters. Because it's the last weekend of the season, I know the water park is closed (not that we would want to go in the water now that it's cool) so I'm a little concerned it will be boring. But, considering Keller's love for Sesame Street, I don't think it really matters. We think his little head will explode from the excitement of it all.

In other news, my yoga certification classes will begin in two weeks! Yippy! For three weekends in November, I will be working towards my Level 1 certification. So, for those of you in the Washington, D.C. area, be on the lookout for a Yoga for Runners class. People, you have no idea how important yoga is to my overall running and well-being. Not only does it help with my strength, endurance, and flexibility but it helps keep me centered. It's a great complimentary stress-reliever to my running. I've been practicing since 2001, when John and I were planning the wedding and I was stressed out. It made a great difference. While I can't practice everyday or as much as I'd like, when I do, it's just wonderful.

Ok, it's 7:30 in the morning and Keller is still sleeping. This is amazing. I think he's making up for traveling last weekend and being sick. Thankfully the trip to Sesame Place is short and he can sleep in the car. Oh! I hear his little voice. Need to go squeeze him.

Have a great weekend!

OH! I forgot. Today is Week 1, Day 2 in the 100 push-up challenge. Here's what I did:
Set 1: 6 push ups
Set 2: 8 push ups
Set 3: 6 push ups
Set 4: 6 push ups
Set 5: max (I did 10)

That's right, I did 36 push ups this morning! I am an animal.

Footloose

2008-10-16T04:27:00.005-07:00

I went to the podiatrist yesterday. It was a good visit and I'm pretty optimistic that my foot problems will be gone before too long.

I have bunions. There, my shame has been revealed. Unfortunately, I've had them all my life as the biomechanics of your feet are inherited. You know, your feet will eventually look a lot like your parents'. Anyway, my right foot has been getting pretty bad and bothering me a lot on my longer runs. And it was my right foot that was killing me during Chicago.

The doctor said I have pretty significant damage on my right foot. Actually, I believe the word he used was "deformity." And my bunion is only mild! But, because I'm only 33, and it's so bad already, I should expect it to only get worse. He said that being a runner has actually helped the situation because the joints in my foot are good, I have really good range of motion and that will help me should I opt for surgery. So all you naysayers and anti-runners telling me it's because I'm a runner that i have these problems: :P

So, that brings me to my next decision. Should I have surgery? It's a 3-month no-running recovery. Three months! Can you believe it? He said I can swim after 2 weeks and bike after a month. I mean, I have to consider my job. I am a running coach! I run with people! But I would hope my clients would understand that, as I'm standing there in a cast, I just can't run with them right now. But it's my expert advice people need anyway ;)

In thinking about it, there is really no perfect time to do something like this. But now is probably the most optimal time. I don't have any races on my calendar for the next year, I'm in good shape right now, which will help with recovery, and it would be good to have this done and me be recovered before we have another baby. So, *gulp* I'm going to have it done. I'm going to call my doctor today to set up the surgical consult and we'll go over all the specifics. Then, next year, depending on the situation, we'll do my left foot.

I feel all right with this decision. I mean, I'm not going to do a cartwheel or anything, but this is something that is going to be needed at some point in my life anyway. There are ways to manage the pain now, but they won't prevent it. Surgery is really the only way to rid myself of the pain. And if I'm diligent in my recovery, my doctor feels I shouldn't have any recurrence for something like 30 years. We'll see.

Now I'm going to puke.

Push It

2008-10-15T04:43:00.003-07:00

Today is Day 1 of Week 1 of my 100 push-up challenge. I just did my first workout and I think I may puke.

Here's what I did:

Set 1: 6 push ups
Set 2: 6 push ups
Set 3: 4 push ups
Set 4: 4 push ups
Set 5: max (I did 10 push ups)

That's a total of 30 push ups. I have never done that many in my life!

I don't really have a whole lot to say. Was working from home yesterday since Keller was sick. He's doing a lot better and no longer sounds like a sea lion.

I had my post-marathon massage yesterday. I'm a big fan of deep tissue massage and yesterday was the end all of deep tissue. I swear this woman was trying to break my bones. I thought she was going to break my arms for sure. Thankfully I survived without needing to go to the hospital. And I feel pretty good today.

Now it's back to the real world: work for me and school for Keller. Then I have a podiatrist appointment to see what I'm going to do about my feet. Then I'm going to try to see my friend Amy in the hospital. She just had her second baby on Monday. Then I have my Beginning 5K group. Busy day!!

Crazy

2008-10-14T05:35:00.002-07:00

I think I'm crazy. It's been about 40 hours since my marathon ended and I'm already thinking about what crazy ass thing I can do next. Though, I'm not talking about a race this time. I'm taking the 100 push-up challenge!

This six-week program was developed by this cool dude that is kind of a machine. The guy runs, bikes, swims, does 100 push ups and will basically kick your behind if you need him to. I was "introduced" to him on Twitter and have been trying to keep up with his blog. He's an interesting fellow.

So, now that my lower half is broken from my marathon, it's time to refocus and do something that will keep me motivated. While I have my beloved yoga, I need something I can hoot and holler while doing. Yoga just isn't a hooting and hollering kind of practice. I have always been kind of lacking in the upper body strength department. Oh, I try. I do all sorts of crazy things to try and build up my strength. Crazy arm balances and plank position for days. But I think I need a more powerful intervention. We'll see if this does the trick. If not, well then, nothing will.

I did the initial test, which will determine my actual training plan. I did 9 push ups before I couldn't lift my body any more. That's not so bad, right? I will try to post my progress (or lack thereof) each of my training days. I'm a little nervous. But what the hay!

Rock this Town

2008-10-13T04:13:00.002-07:00

Let's take it from the top.

I woke up feeling good and ready. We met Amanda, Damon, Lynne, and Betsy. We all headed over to the start and were very excited.

Then we were off. We were feeling good and all that. It was very exciting. We saw our family at miles 1 and 3 and that was great. Everyone, runners, spectators, and volunteers, were all great. Then the heat kicked in. By mile 8 Amanda and I decided to just let it ride. We didn't want to kill ourselves in the heat and we wanted to have fun. We danced to all the music playing. We gave hugs to the singer of a band with a sign offering free hugs. I bet he regretted that. But we had a great time.

We saw our family again at mile 12. Keller was looking ill so that wasn't good. But we still hugged and took pictures and all that. It was fun.

I started having foot pain at some point, I don't remember when. I have foot problems in both feet that will most likely require surgery. They really haven't been an issue until recently. They've been bothering me mainly on my very long runs in the past couple of months. Anyway, that's the reason my race started tanking. Amanda was feeling yucky too so we decided to continue dancing and signing and having a good time.

We saw interesting things. Here is a list of some: a group dressed as Batman, Robyn, Supergirl, Batwoman, and the Joker. We saw a guy in a blow-up Sumo wrestler costume. We saw a sign that said "Poop if you gotta". We saw Elvis and some weird dude in a Frenchman costume with a sign that said, "Make baguette not war!". Gotta love it!

Time-wise this was my worst marathon in history! But Amanda and I had so much fun, the crowd was awesome, the other runners were great and the course was really nice. The things that made this race bad, the weather and my injury, were totally out of our control. I would definitely do this race again.

I met the womens winner as we were heading out for dinner. That was cool. And we saw Deana Kastor (the American woman who won Chicago a few years ago and the bronze medal in the Olympic marathon in Athens). She is a tiny woman.

Unfortunately now, Keller is sick with croup and we'll be heading to the doctor as soon as we get off the plane today. He was up all night and we had to do a steam bath to get him to sleep. My poor baby. UPDATE: went to the doctor and yes, it's croup. Got some meds and he seems to be feeling better.

Thank you to everyone for all your kind words and well wishes. My 7th marathon may not have been my best performance but it was sure the most fun. And you all have a lot to with that.

I don't know when #8 will be. I'm taking a break! Probably having surgery on my feet. But I'll be back. Ready to kick some ass.

BTW, this is my 100th post. Yay!

Chicago is Large

2008-10-11T14:30:00.001-07:00

We love Chicago. Seriously, this place rocks.

I'll start from the top. The flight here was nice. Keller did really well. He was a little unruly as we went through security, but other than that he was perfect the rest of the trip. He watched his little DVD the whole time and was content.

We got to the hotel and settled in. One set of friends were already here and we were waiting on another set of friends. In the meantime, we happened to meet Alan Webb who is the American record holder in the mile. This guy can run a mile in 3 minutes and 46 seconds. Seriously.

After Alan, we headed to the expo. That was an experience. It was kind of overwhelming. But we got some good stuff. We saw Olympians Sanya Richards and Leshawn Merrit. It has definitely been fun to see famous runners.

My parents got into town last night and we all got breakfast this morning and then went on a trolley tour of the city. I know it's touristy but we have never been here! Anyway, it was lots of fun and this city is awesome! It's so nice and has such character.

Then John and I went back to the expo. Ryan Hall who is the next great US marathoner, was going to be there signing autographs. We got there in enough time to see him but they closed the line for autographs. Needless to say, I was mad. But we saw him and that was cool. Then on the way out we met Bart Yasso who is a legendary runner. For the more serious runners out there, he developed the Yasso 800s. Anyway he's a cool dude.

Now we're going to get some dinner and then just hang out. I'm really excited about tomorrow. I don't even care about the weather anymore. It's just going to be so much fun!