Yer Blues

This year is seriously testing my faith in being happy.

The year started off crappy with my grandmother getting sick and ultimately passing away. Then Archie died. Now the issues with Keller's school, which we have decided to get him into a different school. The process of finding another school is going to be hard, not to mention the adjustment for him and us when he ultimately starts the new school. Now we find out that my mom has cancer in her tongue. And because the mouth is connected with the rest of the digestive tract (esophagus, etc.), there is a possibility it could spread. As of right now, the cancerous area has been removed and there isn't much more treatment she will need at the present moment, but she has to be monitored and tested frequently. She used to smoke, which they are attributing to this, but she quit over 25 years ago. Kind of makes you question why you should try and be healthy if shit is just going to happen anyway.

What in the hell is going on?

Seriously, I'm about to lose it. I took yesterday off from work so I could just chill and get myself together. Keller didn't want to go to school (not a good sign) so he stayed home with me. We had a really nice day, but nothing too relaxing. We drove up to my parents' house in NY last night and so we're here for the weekend. I didn't get much sleep last night so I just feel horrific right now.

I understand that life is going to throw you curve balls every now and then. I get that. But this has been a constant stream of curve balls sailing by our heads and occasionally clocking us. There's only so much a person can take before they lose it. Because I'm prone to losing it, I'm a bit concerned for my own well being. I have a tendency to slip into deep depressions and I have been in and out of sanity for the last year. I was so depressed trying to find a job last year and that finally passed once I started to feel comfortable at my current job. Now with the year the way it's been I have been on a roller coaster ride emotionally.

I don't really know why I'm writing all of this. I guess it helps to have an outlet. I don't have any philosophical notions to share with regard to any of this. I'm not feeling very full of perspective right now. I'm feeling sorry for myself and all I want to do is cry, which I've been doing way too much of lately.

Life can really freaking bite sometimes.

Empty

We had the conference with Keller's teacher and the Director of the school this morning. It was strange and sad and I feel kind of lost right now.

They said that he is extremely intelligent for his age but he's having a very hard time expressing himself socially. He gets very overwhelmed when all of the kids are around and that is when he starts acting out. They had considered that he was bored and thought about moving him into the next room. But there are 20 kids in that class and he's already having a hard time with the 12 in his class. He does really well when there are only a few of the kids around but they all feel he gets overstimulated when everyone is around and it frustrates him.

They didn't necessarily say something was wrong with him. It's more a matter of not knowing what to do with him. He could be acting out due to the combination of being bored, not being able to express himself appropriately, not being able to adapt to changes in his environment (the new kids that entered the class are what sparked all of this), and biological changes (for instance, his teething and not sleeping well).

They suggested that we have him evaluated to determine if he does in fact have any developmental problems. In the meantime we're going to try and get him to sleep a little earlier and see if that helps anything. I mean, he gets about 9 hours of sleep a night and I guess that's not enough for him because he just gets so unruly at times.

Ugh. I just want him to be all right. I want him to be happy and healthy and well adjusted to the world. They said that he may be better suited to a school that has less kids in the class and more one-on-one interaction. And perhaps having him evaluated will let us know that he needs that type of treatment. I mean, he does so well when he's playing with a small group of kids. He doesn't have any problem. Maybe that will be the key.

I just want to sit here at my desk and cry.

Love hurts

I hate Tuesdays.

I know the more common day of dread is Monday. But I have always hated Tuesdays. It's just a useless day. Here's my take on the days of the week:

• Monday: There's hope for the new week.
• Tuesday: Stupid, useless day.
• Wednesday: Yay! Week is half over.
• Thursday: Yay! Tomorrow is Friday!
• Friday: Yay! It's the weekend.

This Tuesday sucked huge, giant, ass. I got a call from Keller's teacher and his behavior has gotten out of control at school. He was throwing fits, hitting other kids, and then he bit one of the other kids. WTF? My child actually bit another child.

I remember when we were in NH with our friends Stephanie, Russ and Erika a few summers ago and Lola nipped Stephanie. It was the first (and only) time Lola had ever nipped anyone. And Steph was fine, it wasn't a bad bite or anything. But I was so horrified. I couldn't believe my puppy bit someone.

Well, that's kind of how I feel right now. My sweet, wonderful little boy has become a menace to the kids in his class. My first instinct is to take him out of school and keep him home with me. But I know that wouldn't do any good for him. He thrives at school.

I know this kind of behavior is relatively common for young kids. They have a hard time expressing themselves at this age. But his school would still like to have a conference with us, which is scheduled for tomorrow morning. Ugh.

Though, with all of this going on, I have just felt there has to be a reason for this behavior. He is not like this. On a hunch, I poked around his mouth and lo and behold! His second set of molars are coming in. That explains so much! He was such a terror when he was teething as an infant and young toddler. His first set of molars were simple and arrived unnoticed. But every other tooth in that kid's mouth brings back memories of fits and screams and tears. And that was just me.

So, we'll go to the conference tomorrow and hopefully they will have some ways to help us teach Keller how to better cope with his feelings. I love him so much, I just want him to be happy and healthy.

I Run For Life

I have to say that if you're reading this and you don't run regularly, this post will bore the hell out of you.

Last night was the most perfect night for running. I had to go into Fleet Feet for a little while. A new Beginning 5K group started last night. So, I was there to help the new coaches get things started and welcome the new runners. It was nice. But I didn't get home until about 7:30. When I got home, John was giving Keller a bath, so we all played for a while and then got Keller ready for bed. By the time he was in bed, it was 8:00. I normally really hate starting my runs so late, but I only had a short one ahead of me so I needed to just suck it up.

But it really wasn't that hard to get me out the door. Earlier in the evening, a thunderstorm came through and cooled everything off. It was about 70 degrees out when I started, with a nice cool breeze. Oh, it was gorgeous. I ran along, listening to the sound of my feet hitting the ground. I know this sounds kind of crazy, but I love hearing the sound of my feet hitting the ground, mixed in with the sound of my breathing. It's just a sound that makes me happy. It's like I know I'm alive.

I just ran 3 miles of bliss. I felt like I could run all night. I actually closed my eyes for a few seconds and just took some deep breaths while I ran. Just to feel it. Picture Leonardo DiCaprio screaming, "I'm the King of the World." That was kind of me. Only I wasn't screaming. Or on a boat.

You know, you don't have to be a runner to understand what it is I'm talking about. Think about something that you absolutely love to do. Close your eyes and picture the most perfect conditions for that particular activity. Breathe it in. Everything is moving together, all the pieces fall into place. It's something as human beings we strive for on a regular basis. We want the pieces of our families, jobs, friends, etc., to all fall into place and be perfect. It's very rare that we ever get to experience that feeling. But when we do, you know life is just awesome.

If anyone wants to know why I run, it's because of everything I described above. I run to feel alive. I may not feel that way on every run. But when I do, man, life freaking rocks.

I Want You (She's So Heavy)

My child is giving me a complex.

We were at breakfast yesterday morning, having a lovely time in Starbucks. I was eating their low-fat turkey bacon breakfast sandwich, which may sound not so tasty, but is quite tasty. Anyway, my sweet, adorable child looks at me and says, in a very disapproving voice, "Mama, you're too heavy to eat that."

I just about died.

John and I looked at each other in total disbelief. Did my child just tell me I'm fat? Now I know he couldn't have really meant anything about being fat. He's not even 3, he doesn't understand the concept of size and weight. But because of my body image issues, I kind of can't get it out of my mind that my child told me that I'm fat.

John's really sweet and tried to tell me how Keller didn't really know what he was saying and blah blah blah. But I think he knew it was pointless. The damage was done. What I'm a little concerned about is where Keller came up with that? He had to have heard someone say something like that to someone. I know it wasn't us.

So it begins: the period of time where my child has absolutely no filter on what he thinks and what he says. I can only imagine the fun this will bring!

Happy Monday!