Oy to the World

It is way too hard to be happy and joyous right now. This year's holiday season sucks ass.

I'm letting people know right now that I am not happy it's Christmas, I am not feeling festive and I am certainly not in a good mood. I am sad. We were supposed to be welcoming a baby into our family. And we're not. It's not something to get over, it's not something that we can just forget and try for again. It's a loss of a member of our family and it sucks. This is not a happy time of year.

We are trying. We are trying to make it nice and happy for Keller. We are putting up the tree and Santa is loading up his sleigh. But behind the smiles there is sadness.

I told John last night that I'm not sending anyone holiday cards this year. If I had to pick a card right now, it would say something like "We hope your 2009 didn't suck as badly as ours," or "2010 can't be as bad as 2009, can it?" I was joking with John that the card can have a picture of Lola pooping with a Santa hat on. Crappy Holidays from the Gills! We didn't think the older relatives would appreciate it though.

I think I've moved into the anger portion of my grief now. That certainly has to be healthy, right?