Let's Get It Started

Another year over, and a new one's just begun....

When I look back on 2010, it was nothing short of an emotional roller coaster ride. There were so many emotional highs and lows, I don't even know where to begin with my retrospect.

We started the year in what could only be described as an emotional downward spiral. January 5th was the expected due date of the baby we lost and it was so hard to come up on that date. Many of my friends were having their babies at that time and it was just awful for us. Words cannot express just how awful it was. So we just secluded ourselves, had a lot of family time and did the best we could to get through.

One way that really helped me deal was running. I know I have bestowed the virtues of running time and time again, but I really don't think I would have gotten through the grief if it weren't for my immediate family, a few friends and running. It was an escape for me and time for me to feel physically strong when I wasn't strong emotionally. And even though we were under 800 feet of snow for the winter, it was something I never gave up. It was my salvation.

March marked my first 50K. It was such a triumphant event for me. Not only did it tax me phyically and mentally, but I felt like I finally broke free of the web of grief I had been in for so long. Yes, I still cried after that. Many times. But I felt like I was beginning to really conquer the demons and move on with my life. It really was a great day. I wrote about it on my running blog and won't go into tremendous details here.

I did a number of races after that one, another marathon, a few half marathons, a 200-mile relay. It was a busy spring. Coaching Girls on the Run and my beginners through Fleet Feet definitely helped me feel like myself again.

May marked John's 40th birthday. I think he handled it pretty well, considering a month later he shattered his time in the Olympic distance triathlon at the DC Triathlon. He killed it. We actually missed seeing him during the race because I misjudged where he would be. Oh well, Keller and I had a good time. We also aknowledged his birthday with a rocking 70s birthday party (because John is a product of the 70s). Getting dressed up in tacky 70s garb, eating fondue and dancing to the tunes of the decade was definitely fun.

In June we celebrated Keller's graduation from pre-K. It was such a great ceremony and of course I cried. Really, is that a surprise? It was so cute as all the little ones sang and celebrated themselves as they got their little diplomas. And it reminded me of just how quickly time is going by.

As we approached the anniversary of the loss of our baby, emotions were definitely running high. July was a tough month. And I kind of see 2010 as two different years: one that began in January and ended on July 22nd and the other beginning July 23rd. The anniversary was July 24th and it was the 23rd that we found out that we were pregnant. It was such a bittersweet time and I kind of have a hard time thinking about 2010 before that day. We feel so incredibly lucky to have gotten pregnant again and we hope and pray every minute that this will work out.

The months since finding out we were pregnant, and then pregnant with twins seem like a blur. There was our vacation in the Outer Banks, Keller starting kindergarten, his 5th birthday, my surgery. Really, up to that point, we had had so many issues with the pregnancy, it was hard to believe everything would be all right. They continued and then I went on bed rest. I spent the last 10 weeks of 2010 on bed rest. UGH! But things seem to be going well with the babies. My issues are under control and now we're just hoping the next 10-13 weeks go by without a problem. And we can bring our little babies home.

As I close the door to 2010, I just want to thank everyone that helped us get to this point. For me, I will be eternally grateful to those of you who stuck by me, let me cry on your shoulder, and didn't expect me to act like there was nothing going on. And now it's time to look forward to the future. I'm open to all the wonderful things that will happen for us.

Happy New Year!

Happy Trails

Wow. I've never thought I'd write the word "happy" again. It only took over 8 months to feel it, but there it is. I'm a little happy.

I guess the turnaround was my 50K on March 6th. That was a huge one for me. I wrote a lot about it my running blog, but not really the big emotional part of it.

I signed up for this race in October of 2009. It was a sad time for me and I needed something to focus on. I needed a direction because at the time I didn't feel like my life had any direction. We had made all these plans and they weren't going to happen and I just didn't know how to deal with that. As a lifelong planner, it scared the crap out of me. I was so depressed and miserable, I just needed something to look forward to. I knew that registering for a race would give me some sort of purpose and another reason to get out of bed in the morning.

I wasn't sure what race I wanted to do. Another marathon? Nah. I needed something completely different. Something low-key and not stressful. Why put pressure on myself? Because if I chose another marathon, I'd have it in the back of my head to train hard, improve my time, etc. I didn't want that.

I started trail running in September. It was a liberating thing to do. It's actually quite hard to be sad and in a depressed state of mind when running through the woods. Getting covered in mud and crossing creeks and jumping over rocks is so much fun, it's hard not to run with a goofy smile on your face. Well, for me anyway. So, I decided to focus on a trail run. And that left me with the Senceca Creek Greenway 50K. It's a 31+ mile run on the Greenway Trail from Damascus to Potomac. Sign me up.

I'm not going to say that training was easy and the road to the race was paved with gold. Because it wasn't. I still battled my emotions and my depression. My friends were all having their babies, my due date was approaching, and it was getting hard to focus on things. I felt like I was going through the pain of losing the baby all over again only it was worse the second time around.

January 5th came and we had a very nice family day at the National Harbor. We went to this crazy Ice show and had a nice lunch. We placed flowers in the Potomac River in honor of our lost son. It was a very sad day though being together and acknowledging it really helped.

January itself was a long, cold month. Between the emotional side of things, work getting busy, the weather being ugly, I was just on autopilot. I just went through the motions of being alive and getting through my day. Training for the race was difficult because of the weather but I did what I could.

February came and there was more snow and ice. Work was crazy since we were moving locations. Then we headed down to Myrtle Beach for the marathon and half marathon. Well, the races were canceled because of the weather (it snowed there and it was the most snow they had in 10 years). I felt like there was some cosmic thing against me and I just couldn't get a break. WTF? Who goes to Myrtle Beach and worries about snow storms? Only we do.

I did the best I could preparing for the race for the rest of February. I ran as much as I could, I rested when I needed to and I didn't think about how sad I was. I just compartmentalized my emotions and basically just stuffed them down as far as they would go. I know, maybe not the healthiest thing to do, but it worked for me.

Then came the week before the race. I was nervous about whether or not I could finish. I did a couple of trail runs and they went well, which helped give me some confidence. Race morning came and it was a cool but gloriously beautiful morning. And something changed in me. I was out there on my own, doing something only for me. Something I needed desperately. And I finally felt good. I felt hopeful.

The race itself was hard but fun. Friends ran with me and gave me a boost. John and Keller saw me a number of times along the course, which was great. It wasn't really as bad as I thought it would be. Because of the snow, I wasn't able to do a lot of the long runs I had hoped to do. So I was really nervous about how I'd do in the race. Well, it was long and slow but I got through it better than expected.

Which was an odd experience for me. I felt really strong, both physically and mentally. I had an absolute blast running the race through the snow, ice and mud. I loved crossing the creek in ankle-deep water and running in wet shoes. I just really had a great time. Don't get me wrong, I hit my wall and was tired at times. But overall, it was my best race experience.

When I crossed the finish line, it just hit me. All the emotion and anguish I had been through just came flooding out of me. I bent over and just cried. I couldn't believe I had made it through the last seven months. The finish line to the race was kind of like a finish line to my grief. Trust me, my grief isn't over, but I felt like I had made it through the hardest part of it. I made it through the worst time of my life.

I have to say that since the race, I have felt good. I'm not saying I haven't thought about what we've lost or what could have been. I have. And I've cried. I will always be sad about that and will never really be over it. But I feel a sense of peace about what happened. I'm accepting it and I'm trying to move forward. I feel like running those 31+ miles brought me to a place where I can see things clearly and I can deal with them better.

My road hasn't ended. It's only just beginning.

On the Road Again

I won't bore you with a long, sad post about how hard things have been for us. All I'll say is that it has been tough, life has truly sucked at times and it has felt that we would never get through this.

But January ended and we made it out. We feel better than we have felt in many months. We are by no means over what happened, but we are not as lost as we once were. Life is moving forward and we are actually moving with it.

Next week I'll run the Myrtle Beach Marathon. This will be my first race since the Cherry Blossom 10-miler last April. So almost a year ago. When I think about everything that has happened since last April, it makes my head spin. That seems like a lifetime ago and I feel like I've aged 20 years in less than one.

But I am really looking forward to this race. It's the first one in a very busy race-filled period. The marathon is Saturday the 13th, there's a bike ride the next day that we're doing. Then my 50K, the big one, is March 6th. I'm running National Marathon on March 20th. Then the new 13.1 series race in New York on April 3rd, Cherry Blossom on the 11th and then the American Odyssey Relay on April 24-25.

I signed up for all of these races to give me something to focus on and as a way to deal with my grief. I needed to have something for myself that I could pour myself into and for me, that's running. I got past the very emotional block I was having when I started running again and I am having fun now. There's no pressure to run in a certain time, these races are for pure fun. John and I are actually running a couple together, which we haven't done since before we had Keller.

So allow me for a moment to pat myself on the back. I am proud of myself for making it to the other side. I could have taken so many different roads after losing the baby. And I was headed down a pretty dark one. But I didn't. I chose not to. And I'm glad I did.