Funky New Year

Happy New Year! Another year over and a new one's just begun. I seem to be getting my songs mixed up... Maybe that's because I just had the longest trip of my life.

Let's rewind back to Christmas. It was fantastic. Our first Christmas in California was everything it should have been. We had Christmas Eve dinner with friends and Christmas morning we spent opening presents. I made pancakes and we had our breakfast outside (along with some pretty yummy mimosas!). Keller spent the day playing with all that Santa brought him and the girls spent the day playing with their new...well, we were glad all their new toys came with wrapping paper and boxes or they would have had nothing to play with. It was a wonderful day.

The day after Christmas we flew to New York to my parents' house. The trip went very well and was nicely uneventful. We had an early flight out of San Diego. When we made the reservations, the thought was that we leave on the earliest flight out so we get to NY with time to hang out. Well, somehow our connecting flight in Baltimore of all places was changed and we ended up having a 3-hour layover and didn't get into NY until 7:30 or so at night. If I wanted to get in that late, I would have chosen that flight instead of getting up at the crack of dawn. But, I digress.

Our time spent in NY was great. We saw lots of friends and family and had the girls' christening. That was wonderful! My brother is the girls' Godfather (he is also Keller's Godfather) and my wonderful friend Lynne is the girls' Godmother. It was so good to see them and have them be a part of the ceremony. The Deacon really delivered a wonderful service, made it super personal, included all the grandparents, and just was great. Really, we didn't do much other than spend time with everyone. There was the christening and party afterward, then the rest of the time was visiting with friends and family. We went to a holiday lights show which was fine, I guess.

New Year's Eve was quiet. My parents went to their annual party and we stayed in with the kids. When I was a kid, that's essentially how NYE would go: parents would go out and the kids would stay home. Then when the parents got back we would all have ice cream sundaes and watch the ball drop. So we started the tradition with Keller. We made ice cream sundaes and watched a movie. We tried to stay up to ring in the new year but it didn't happen. What do you expect? We have 9-month old twins and a 6-year old. Regardless, it was a fun night! And now it's 2012!

Out of all of us, I would say Lola had the best vacation, though. She stayed with friends of ours who happen to have a pool. And Lola has never been able to pass up a pool in her life. Plus they have 2 dogs of their own, so she was in heaven playing with her friends. Needless to say, she hasn't moved much since we've been home.

The trip home from NY was not as uneventful as the trip to NY. We flew out of Long Island and had a connection in Chicago. I was worried because the layover was short and it was going to be tight getting the connection to San Diego. But we got into Chicago early and there was really no worry about getting that flight to San Diego. But...San Diego was having some fog and visibility issues and closed the airport. So we were diverted to Las Vegas. This would have been fine if we didn't have 3 kids with us. It was a mess. I'm too tired to go into every last detail but we got into LV around 9:30. We decided to rent a car and drive to San Diego instead of trying to get on another flight (we overheard that there weren't any flights until Wednesday....I didn't want to stay in LV for 2 days). We rented a car from Dollar and I'm only mentioning it because they have hideous customer service. Unfortunately, they were the only ones that had a van and that we could rent car seats from, so we were stuck. But going to pick up the car was a pain. They have a huge lot and basically said, "Go pick up your van yourself." They weren't rude but just indifferent. Then they left us to our own devices to install the carseats ourselves. After about 30 minutes of us struggling and the babies literally screaming their heads off, someone came over to see what was going on. She was extremely unhelpful. But despite her, we got the seats in and took off. And arrived in our home at about 4:15am this morning. Ugh.

The kids really handled the whole situation well. They are good travelers. It wasn't until we were sitting in the parking lot for almost an hour that the wheels started falling off the operation. Once we were moving and everyone could fall asleep, it was all right. We still have to go to the airport here in SD to get our luggage, return the van and pick up our own car. Well, as I've come to say: we may not always have peace but there will always be joy! We made it home safely and slept in our own beds and that's the most important thing.

Happy New Year!

Let's Get It Started

Another year over, and a new one's just begun....

When I look back on 2010, it was nothing short of an emotional roller coaster ride. There were so many emotional highs and lows, I don't even know where to begin with my retrospect.

We started the year in what could only be described as an emotional downward spiral. January 5th was the expected due date of the baby we lost and it was so hard to come up on that date. Many of my friends were having their babies at that time and it was just awful for us. Words cannot express just how awful it was. So we just secluded ourselves, had a lot of family time and did the best we could to get through.

One way that really helped me deal was running. I know I have bestowed the virtues of running time and time again, but I really don't think I would have gotten through the grief if it weren't for my immediate family, a few friends and running. It was an escape for me and time for me to feel physically strong when I wasn't strong emotionally. And even though we were under 800 feet of snow for the winter, it was something I never gave up. It was my salvation.

March marked my first 50K. It was such a triumphant event for me. Not only did it tax me phyically and mentally, but I felt like I finally broke free of the web of grief I had been in for so long. Yes, I still cried after that. Many times. But I felt like I was beginning to really conquer the demons and move on with my life. It really was a great day. I wrote about it on my running blog and won't go into tremendous details here.

I did a number of races after that one, another marathon, a few half marathons, a 200-mile relay. It was a busy spring. Coaching Girls on the Run and my beginners through Fleet Feet definitely helped me feel like myself again.

May marked John's 40th birthday. I think he handled it pretty well, considering a month later he shattered his time in the Olympic distance triathlon at the DC Triathlon. He killed it. We actually missed seeing him during the race because I misjudged where he would be. Oh well, Keller and I had a good time. We also aknowledged his birthday with a rocking 70s birthday party (because John is a product of the 70s). Getting dressed up in tacky 70s garb, eating fondue and dancing to the tunes of the decade was definitely fun.

In June we celebrated Keller's graduation from pre-K. It was such a great ceremony and of course I cried. Really, is that a surprise? It was so cute as all the little ones sang and celebrated themselves as they got their little diplomas. And it reminded me of just how quickly time is going by.

As we approached the anniversary of the loss of our baby, emotions were definitely running high. July was a tough month. And I kind of see 2010 as two different years: one that began in January and ended on July 22nd and the other beginning July 23rd. The anniversary was July 24th and it was the 23rd that we found out that we were pregnant. It was such a bittersweet time and I kind of have a hard time thinking about 2010 before that day. We feel so incredibly lucky to have gotten pregnant again and we hope and pray every minute that this will work out.

The months since finding out we were pregnant, and then pregnant with twins seem like a blur. There was our vacation in the Outer Banks, Keller starting kindergarten, his 5th birthday, my surgery. Really, up to that point, we had had so many issues with the pregnancy, it was hard to believe everything would be all right. They continued and then I went on bed rest. I spent the last 10 weeks of 2010 on bed rest. UGH! But things seem to be going well with the babies. My issues are under control and now we're just hoping the next 10-13 weeks go by without a problem. And we can bring our little babies home.

As I close the door to 2010, I just want to thank everyone that helped us get to this point. For me, I will be eternally grateful to those of you who stuck by me, let me cry on your shoulder, and didn't expect me to act like there was nothing going on. And now it's time to look forward to the future. I'm open to all the wonderful things that will happen for us.

Happy New Year!

Don't Stop Believing

Hello 2010!

Yesterday was the last day of what we hope is the worst year we ever have. I know things can always be worse than what we have at present, and here's to hoping that this is the worst pain we'll ever know.

I am excited about the new year. Can you believe it? I'm excited about something for the first time in 5 months. I am adopting a new way of looking at things, I'm trying anyway.

About a month ago, I got in touch with this somewhat local athlete, Brian Boyle, to see if he could come to Fleet Feet for a fun run. He just released a book and I wanted him to come for a book signing and then run with us. He is coming, this Thursday, January 7th.

Brian is a young guy, only 23, and he's seen more sadness, pain and despair than most people do in their entire lives. When he was 18 he was in a horrific car accident that should have killed him. It did kill him, he was pronounced dead 8 times, but he fought and came back, literally, from the dead. I won't go into the details of his accident and his injuries, you can read his amazing book, but I will touch upon his recovery because I feel very connected to his story.

His accident occurred in July, and in addition to that he had some other family hardships that occurred in subsequent Julys. In fact, one chapter of his book is called, "July is the Cruelest Month." Well, I can relate to that. Our lives changed forever this past July. Anyway, Brian spent years working tirelessly to overcome his injuries. His accident occurred 5 years ago. And he was told he probably would never walk again. But he somehow found the strength, through the love, support, and courage from his family and friends, to fight on and work. And he did work. Three years after his accident Brian finished a half Ironman triathlon (70.3 miles of swimming, biking and running). Then 45 days after that he completed the granddaddy of triathlons: the Ironman World Championship at Kona, Hawaii. This is 140.6 miles of swimming, biking and running. And he did it. He's still doing it too. This past fall he ran 5 marathons in 5 weeks. He's a Rock Star.

I'm writing about this because I feel completely connected to him and his story. He overcame tremendous sadness and pain to live the life he always wanted. He talked about his hopes and dreams for himself, the plans he had for himself, and how they were dashed because of his accident. But he found the courage to make those dreams happen anyway. While I could never imagine what he went through, I know what it's like to have plans and dreams dashed. I know what it's like to have dreams that will never come true through no fault of my own. We can't control everything that happens to us. Our loss was something out of our hands.

I read his book in less than 24 hours. It is an amazing story. I really relate to his parents. They are really great people and I feel connected to them for some reason. It's weird to feel connected to people you've never met.

There's a quote Brian uses in his book that really resonates with me: "A person hasn't lived until he has almost died, and for those who have fought for life, the world has a flavor the protected will never know." I feel like I have been fighting for life for the past 5 months. No, my story is not the same as Brian's. I didn't almost die. But part of me did die on July 24th when we lost our son. We have been trying to come back from the dead ever since.

So I look to 2010 as a year of coming back from the dead. I'm using my races as a way to leave the pain and sorrow behind us. We will never forget our baby, we will always be sad about our loss. But we have to move forward. We have to be happy again.

That's my New Year's resolution: to find a place of happiness in each and every day. I may have sadness in that same day. I may cry and scream and ask "why" but I will also laugh and smile and find a piece of happiness. I deserve it.

Happy New Year.

Better Days

I don't know if I've ever been more happy to see a year end than I am this year. It's not that I'm hopeful for the coming year, I just really want 2009 to be done.

This has been such a horrendous year for us. We thought 2008 was bad. We lost too many loved ones, dealt with too many illnesses and just had a generally bad year. Then 2009 came with more lost loved ones, more illnesses and more sadness. We thought the year was turning around for us when we got pregnant. But when we lost our little boy, things just came crashing down. Going through labor and giving birth to a baby I'll never hold, a son I'll never know, has been too much to deal with. I feel like someone is always missing.

I am grateful for my beautiful son, Keller who continues to brighten my dark days. He is the reason I get out of bed in the morning. And I will be forever grateful to my husband, John, who has been my strength and courage for over ten years, but especially so in these last 5 months. I am thankful for my parents, brother & sister-in-law, uncle & aunt, and those few friends that have let me cry on their shoulders and release some of my sorrow, if only a small amount. I am also thankful for my clients and my fantastic job and coworkers. My job working in the running community has given me something to focus on besides my own sadness and opened a world of love and support that I so desperately needed. I am thankful to be part of a sport as wonderful as running.

I don't know what is in store for us in 2010. I don't know where the path will lead us. I do know that I won't be alone and I don't have to hide how I'm feeling. I am not the same person I was when 2009 started. A part of me died July 24th and I will never be the same. This scares me. A lot. But I know that I have to move forward. I have to look ahead. I will do my best to be hopeful and open to what's in store.

Happy New Year to all.

Brand New Year (My Revolution)

This is it! The end of 2008. YEE HA!

You all know what a crappy year it's been for the Gills. Yes, for the most part, we're all intact, but we definitely have some scars to show for ourselves.

Normally at this time of year, I have all these goals and resolutions mapped out, but I honestly don't know what 2009 will bring us. Some things are so up in the air, it's hard to plan. But I do know that we will be working hard to have a good year. I have come to the conclusion that you just can't plan for everything. Things happen that sideline you, sometimes you're down for a little while, and sometimes you're hit so hard, you can't get up for a while. Really, what is the point of having all these goals for a new year? Why can't we make these resolutions on a random Tuesday in April or something? It's what I plan on doing. I think January is going to bring a lot of changes for us and I will just have to see what happens.

On another note, Keller came to work with me yesterday. That was interesting. He was good for the most part because I could close the door to my office and let him watch Word World on the portable DVD player. But he was still kind of unruly, especially as the morning wore on. Every time I had to go speak with someone, I had to bring him with me (obviously) and he would stop along the way in various people's offices. Then when we got to our destination, he would leave and run down the hall, drop and roll (he likes to slide into the floor and roll for some reason). Thankfully, he didn't break anything which I can't say about the last time I brought him to work with me. He was spent when we left. He was out cold less than 5 minutes after we got in the car and managed a nice 3.5 hour nap. And I'm not embarrassed to say I took a nap too. I was just as tired!

Then, last night, I ran with my Marathon/Half Marathon group for the first time in 5 weeks. It was so awesome to be out there with my people again. They are doing so well and to be with them makes me feel whole. I didn't do their whole run, but I did 3 miles and didn't have any pain! It hurts a little this morning, but I think it's just a little stiff or something. So, healing is good stuff!

Well, I hope everyone has a wonderful New Year's Eve. Be safe and have fun. See you next year (groan...I hate it when people say that).