Don't Stop Believing

Hello 2010!

Yesterday was the last day of what we hope is the worst year we ever have. I know things can always be worse than what we have at present, and here's to hoping that this is the worst pain we'll ever know.

I am excited about the new year. Can you believe it? I'm excited about something for the first time in 5 months. I am adopting a new way of looking at things, I'm trying anyway.

About a month ago, I got in touch with this somewhat local athlete, Brian Boyle, to see if he could come to Fleet Feet for a fun run. He just released a book and I wanted him to come for a book signing and then run with us. He is coming, this Thursday, January 7th.

Brian is a young guy, only 23, and he's seen more sadness, pain and despair than most people do in their entire lives. When he was 18 he was in a horrific car accident that should have killed him. It did kill him, he was pronounced dead 8 times, but he fought and came back, literally, from the dead. I won't go into the details of his accident and his injuries, you can read his amazing book, but I will touch upon his recovery because I feel very connected to his story.

His accident occurred in July, and in addition to that he had some other family hardships that occurred in subsequent Julys. In fact, one chapter of his book is called, "July is the Cruelest Month." Well, I can relate to that. Our lives changed forever this past July. Anyway, Brian spent years working tirelessly to overcome his injuries. His accident occurred 5 years ago. And he was told he probably would never walk again. But he somehow found the strength, through the love, support, and courage from his family and friends, to fight on and work. And he did work. Three years after his accident Brian finished a half Ironman triathlon (70.3 miles of swimming, biking and running). Then 45 days after that he completed the granddaddy of triathlons: the Ironman World Championship at Kona, Hawaii. This is 140.6 miles of swimming, biking and running. And he did it. He's still doing it too. This past fall he ran 5 marathons in 5 weeks. He's a Rock Star.

I'm writing about this because I feel completely connected to him and his story. He overcame tremendous sadness and pain to live the life he always wanted. He talked about his hopes and dreams for himself, the plans he had for himself, and how they were dashed because of his accident. But he found the courage to make those dreams happen anyway. While I could never imagine what he went through, I know what it's like to have plans and dreams dashed. I know what it's like to have dreams that will never come true through no fault of my own. We can't control everything that happens to us. Our loss was something out of our hands.

I read his book in less than 24 hours. It is an amazing story. I really relate to his parents. They are really great people and I feel connected to them for some reason. It's weird to feel connected to people you've never met.

There's a quote Brian uses in his book that really resonates with me: "A person hasn't lived until he has almost died, and for those who have fought for life, the world has a flavor the protected will never know." I feel like I have been fighting for life for the past 5 months. No, my story is not the same as Brian's. I didn't almost die. But part of me did die on July 24th when we lost our son. We have been trying to come back from the dead ever since.

So I look to 2010 as a year of coming back from the dead. I'm using my races as a way to leave the pain and sorrow behind us. We will never forget our baby, we will always be sad about our loss. But we have to move forward. We have to be happy again.

That's my New Year's resolution: to find a place of happiness in each and every day. I may have sadness in that same day. I may cry and scream and ask "why" but I will also laugh and smile and find a piece of happiness. I deserve it.

Happy New Year.

Speechless

So what do I write about now? Most people use their blogs as a way to "talk" about the things that cross their mind, both inane and meaningful. But I don't really have a lot crossing my mind other than just trying to get by. I have never really lived my life like that, just trying to get by. I've always had motivation, but now I don't really have much. When you are on course for a certain future and that future is suddenly taken from you, it's kind of hard to just move on. We're trying though.

It's really hard to talk about what we're going through with most people. Not because of the subject matter. It's easy for me to talk about it, it's a part of who I am. But talking to certain people is difficult because of how they react. Some people can actually listen and they get it but others are so incredibly uncomfortable. I was telling John this morning that it's those uncomfortable people that I want to talk to the most. They need to know that just because they want us to be "normal" because it makes them feel better doesn't mean that we actually are. Does that make sense? People that ignore what's going on with us make us feel insignificant. It makes us feel that our baby was somehow insignificant. Which he wasn't.

I guess if you're a regular reader of my blog you'll be pretty disappointed with my posts in the foreseeable future. I don't have a lot of amusing things happening in my life right now. Yes, there is still laughter and life. I mean, we have Keller to fill our days with laughter. But at the end of the day (and the beginning, middle, etc.) we feel like something is missing and that something will never be returned. Something was taken from us and while we only had it for a short time, that something will always be a part of us.

Sweet Child of Mine

Wow, it's been a long time since I posted anything here. Well, there has been quite a lot going on but nothing I could really talk about because we felt it would be best to wait.

I'm pregnant :)

Yuppers, that's right. Baby #2 is on the way. And it has been super hard not talking about it for the last 3 months (I'm 3 months along now). We had a lot of difficulties with Keller with premature labor and 3 months of bed rest and we have already started having some issues with this one as well. So, we felt we wouldn't announce it to the world until we at least got out of the first trimester. There it is.

We're not completely out of the woods. I have to have surgery in a couple of weeks where they literally sew things up (internally, of course) to prevent the premature labor thing. Sorry to those that feel this is too much information. But it is what it is. It's called a cerclage in case you want to learn about it. It is pretty routine, though there are risks involved. Needless to say, I'm worried. Which is why we haven't told Keller yet. Though we think he probably already has an idea since my ever-expanding middle is quite noticeable.

The surgery is July 8th and I'll be on bed rest for the week afterward. Hopefully it will be the only week of the pregnancy, though we shouldn't get our hopes up.

We've already had like 7 sonograms, so I'm pretty familiar with this baby already. I had one today and it's looking so much like a baby now. It's weird because it's only just over 2 inches long, and it looks like a baby. It was stretching it's little legs out and rubbing its face with a little hand. It's getting in shape to start its marathon career. Or to at least keep up with Keller.

Keller, our boy wonder, has started in a new classroom last week. It's the preK room and he's doing well. Granted, it's only been a week, but he's gotten less reluctant each day. Today he even walked in there excitedly. Good sign! He continues to amaze us with the things he says and does. He spelled 'butterfly' on the way to swim lessons yesterday. We're hoping next year he can help us with our taxes.

I promise to post more frequently now that I'm allowed to talk about what's going on. You know I like to talk. A lot. So imagine how hard it's been for me to be silent. It's been torture, quite frankly. Be prepared for me to make up for lost time. :) And look out for next week when I'm on bed rest and have lots of time to pass...

Push It

Today is Day 1 of Week 1 of my 100 push-up challenge. I just did my first workout and I think I may puke.

Here's what I did:

Set 1: 6 push ups
Set 2: 6 push ups
Set 3: 4 push ups
Set 4: 4 push ups
Set 5: max (I did 10 push ups)

That's a total of 30 push ups. I have never done that many in my life!

I don't really have a whole lot to say. Was working from home yesterday since Keller was sick. He's doing a lot better and no longer sounds like a sea lion.

I had my post-marathon massage yesterday. I'm a big fan of deep tissue massage and yesterday was the end all of deep tissue. I swear this woman was trying to break my bones. I thought she was going to break my arms for sure. Thankfully I survived without needing to go to the hospital. And I feel pretty good today.

Now it's back to the real world: work for me and school for Keller. Then I have a podiatrist appointment to see what I'm going to do about my feet. Then I'm going to try to see my friend Amy in the hospital. She just had her second baby on Monday. Then I have my Beginning 5K group. Busy day!!