Nobody Knows

Sometimes it feels like we're living a double life. I guess we are, in a way. There's the life in front of other people and the life behind closed doors. We can be relatively normal in our everyday lives. We can do our jobs, have meaningful (or meaningless) conversations, etc. But we also go home and cry.

This Saturday marks the 3-month mark since we lost the baby. The thought of that makes me sick. On one hand, I feel like I should be better because it's been 3 months. And I guess we're better in the larger, abstract sense of the word. I don't cry every day anymore. But the feelings are just as intense. So, on the other hand, it's only been 3 months. Three months really isn't that long in the grand scheme of things. Three months is enough time to get to the point where I'm not crying everyday.

Sometimes being a sensitive person is really a character flaw. I have always had too-intense feelings. I take things to heart way too often. Sometimes it's great because I can feel intense joy and happiness, but I can also feel intense sadness. And I've never felt such sadness as I have these past 3 months. In the other times in my life where I've experienced loss, it's been sad. But nothing like this. Nothing.

So now it's time to bring myself back to life. Somehow. I have been underwater for the last 3 months and I have to get to the surface somehow. I am trying to get back to the things that have made me happy in the past. I have some races lined up that hopefully will spark my love of running again. It's hard to love anything when you feel dark inside. Hopefully training for something will shine a light. I'll take a flicker at this point.

I'm pretty scared of how the next few months will be. We were supposed to be welcoming a baby in those months and now that that isn't happening, I'm afraid of the sadness taking over. I'm trying to head it off by scheduling races to train for. Give myself something else to focus on. It works on some days and it doesn't on other days.

All we can do is our best. We can get out of bed in the morning and see what happens.

It's a Beautiful Day

It’s Friday!

This week has just been a big poop-fest. I have had a lot of stuff go down at work and it has just ruined the week. I will not get into it, in fact, I never will talk about work here on my blog, but let’s just say I’m not pleased, I’d like things to be different, and that’s that. But I'm still down about the race over the weekend, as well as Keller's evaluation next week, moving him to the new school, blah blah blah.

I have to say, though, that I am feeling better than I was at the beginning of the week. I just feel like, when things are not right for me, I just disconnect myself from the world. And let’s face it, things have been down right shitty for us this year. And just when I think things are looking up, WHAM! Something else comes along.

Last night my book club met to discuss the latest book read: The Idiot Girl and the Flaming Tantrum of Death by Laurie Notaro. Um, hilarious! Seriously, that was a funny book. Anyway, our book club is really just an excuse to get together and eat. We discuss the book for a short time, but for the most part, it’s just a gathering of friends. Which I’m all for.

Last night was no different. And it was greatly needed. It was at Melissa’s house, and it was just a small number of us (Mary, Holly, Melissa and myself). And the three of them are so sweet, they had a little pre-birthday celebration for me since Melissa will be out of town for my actual birthday next week (it’s the 7th for those of you that still need to shop. Get on it!). Anyway, we had cake and wine and these interesting beer margaritas that Melissa made. They were yummy. And I am fully convinced that all you need to get through a bad time is a group of great friends. We were all so frazzled and emotionally spent last night, but just sitting there talking things out and being there for one another made us realize that we’re never alone in the things we go through and we always have each other to lean on. It’s really wonderful and I’m so grateful. So, ladies, thank you for making me feel special. It was greatly needed and appreciated.

So, now it’s onto the weekend! Yay! We don’t have any plans, other than the usual training for our respective races. Maybe we will actually watch a movie or something.