With a Little Help From My Friends

Yesterday I finally posted to my running blog for the first time in 7 months or so. I mean, I haven't been running so what was the point of writing? As the post explains, there was more to it than that.

In case you don't want to read it, I'll sum things up for you here: I need help. I hate asking for it but I'm asking anyway. I cannot find my way back to running and it's really tearing me up. I try to get out when I can but it's been so hard with everything we have going on. So the inconsistency is making my runs difficult. Which makes me get down on myself. Which makes me not want to run...it's a vicious cycle. So I'm reaching out to whomever may want to listen, runners and non-runners alike, that I need help getting back on track.

You all know how running has always been my saving grace. And when we were going through the loss of our baby, it was the only thing that made me feel like I wasn't a failure. And I've tried to remind myself of that now. I have tried just about every trick I know to motivate myself to get back out there. But nothing works. If I'm honest with myself, I'll say that it's more than just being busy that's keeping me from running. I don't know what it is, but there is something bigger that's preventing me from getting that drive. What has changed? I don't know.

I was so lost during the time I was on bed rest with the girls. Sure, I put on a brave face and tried to stay postive. But the stress of the pregnancy, the isolation from being on bed rest and some other factors just screwed me up. And now, for some reason, I still feel that way. I now have the stress of moving, coupled with the stress of dealing with my new life and family dynamic. I have the isolation from my friends, who for some reason think we've already moved and have stopped including us in anything. I still feel lost. I'm in limbo between my life here and starting over in a new place. And it's screwing with me.

I know I can hang things up and try again when things aren't so stressful. I know that's an option. Really though, it's not an option for me. I need to feel like myself again. I need to feel like I'm not spinning out of control and that's what running is for me. So what do I do? How do I make this work when everything else hasn't worked?

Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated!!

Puke

Our house went on the market today. Well, technically it's not on the market until tomorrow but the sign is in front of our house. I thought I was going to puke all over the place when I saw it.

I have come to the point where I feel overwhelmed. There is just too much going on and there has been too much change or impending change. I feel like my head is spinning and my stomach is in knots.

While we're looking forward to moving to San Diego, selling our house has to be one of the most stressful things ever. And it's not even on the market yet! For weeks I've been purging and cleaning, selling stuff, etc. All while trying to care for my family and work. I am kind of spent and the real stress hasn't even started. When the house goes on the market, trying to keep the house clean and get out when people want to see it will be hard with the babies and the dog.

I have so many mixed feelings about this move. We were out in San Diego last week and had such a nice time. We've narrowed down where we want to live and our favorite is San Elijo Hills in San Marcos. It's northeast from downtown and it's in the mountains. It will be a bit of a drive for John but nothing crazy. It's about 24 miles from his office. Nothing too terrible. But the neighborhood is beautiful, very family friendly and about 10 miles from the coast. It's cooler because it's at elevation but nice because it doesn't have the coastal marine layer that hangs for the most part of the morning. We've found the closest running stores, so that's important. The schools are insanely good. I know we'll all be so happy there and life will be good for us. But leaving my friends and family is going to be hard. Really, we only have another 2 months here. And so much will be going on that I don't even know if we'll be able to see anyone! I feel really isolated right now and it's hard.

I think the thing that will give me the biggest relief will be selling our house. Once that's done we can make an offer on a house out there. Please, Gods of Real Estate, please shine down on us and find a buyer!! Please, please, please!!!!

In Limbo

I hate this feeling.

I feel like I'm in limbo in so many ways. With the impending move, there are so many things we can't do until we're actually there (like enroll Keller in school, which is a big one). But it's more than the move. I feel like my life is in limbo too.

When we were expecting the twins, we were definitely in limbo. I couldn't do anything being on bed rest and we just didn't know what to expect with regard to taking care of them and how our new family dynamic would play out. But I thought the feeling of being in-between-things would go away once they arrived. Now that we're almost 3 months post-pregnancy, the feelings haven't gone away. There are so many times I have to tell myself "when the babies are older," or "once we're settled in the new place." I hate it.

The most upsetting has been trying to get back into running. It has been so hard to find the time, let alone the energy, to get a run in. So, I just feel gross. I can't lose the remainder of the baby weight, I feel sluggish and just plain disgusting. The babies are sleeping longer at night, so maybe that will make a difference for me. But the thing is, I'm working so hard to get the house ready and pack, in between taking care of the girls, Keller, everyday tasks and still working. I'm exhausted and the last thing I want to do is wake up early to run. Trust me, as a coach, I know all the little things to try to get myself motivated and back on track. The problem is I just feel overtaxed. It's important for me to be good to my body right now since it's been through so much in the last couple of years. I know getting back into shape will make a huge difference in how I feel. I guess I'm just finding it hard to balance taking care of everything I need to do and taking care of myself.

No words of wisdom from me today. Just needed to vent...

Californication

As if we haven't had enough life change in the past few months, we're now planning a move....to San Diego.

John works for the J. Craig Venter Institute here in Rockville. Craig Venter, the founder and guru of DNA, has a sister Institute out in La Jolla. When it was first built several years ago, we half-jokingly said that we wanted to move out there. It would be wonderful to live there. When in school in Arizona, I visited SD several times and just love it there. However, I'm an east coast person and my friends and family are all here.

Anyway, fast forward to 2011 and we're pregnant with twins. There's an offer for John to transfer out to SD to get this new technology up and running at that facility. The thinking is that most of the Rockville facility will be transferred out to SD in the coming years. And after a series of events that I won't go into, we decided moving to SD is our best option.

I have mixed feelings about it. While I love it out there and I know the kids will love growing up in California, my family is here! We JUST had twins and I'm at a time in my life where I want to be near my family. And while they aren't right here, they're a drive away. That will no longer be an option.

I know ultimately, this is a good thing for us. It's a great opportunity for John and when I'm ready to go back to work, there is great opportunity for me too. And as a runner, I can't ask for a better place to train! The kids will love going to the beach whenever we want. There's the zoo, Seaworld, Lego Land, Disneyland a couple of hours away and so much for them to do. It will be hard leaving the wonderful friends we have here but I know there are friends waiting for us there. And we do know people there, so it's not like we'll be completely alone. This will be a good thing.

So now we're knee-deep in getting our house ready for the market and searching for a place there. We're headed out there in less than 2 weeks to check things out. My only wish is that this process goes as smoothly as possible and we are able to move with little bumps in the road.

Tired of Waiting

I'm currently waiting to see my doctor for my 6-week post babies visit. Apparently he's an hour behind schedule. I'm not really tired of waiting but that's the song title that has come to mind.

Anyway, the office staff let all of us know he was running behind. Most people were fine but one woman was pretty pissed. I get that. We have schedules too.

For some reason I'm not too upset. Maybe its because I'm here alone as John is home with the girls. It's pretty sad when going to the doctor becomes "me time." But that's how it is right now. But I'm also not too upset because my doctor is a rock star and well worth the wait.

I first started seeing him regularly when I was pregnant with Keller. He just takes such care with his patients. He calls me on the weekend with test results. He calls at night when he knows I'm worried. He calls even when I haven't called him just to make sure I'm doing all right. I've never had a doctor give a crap the way he does. I wish I could see him for everything!

So any doctors out there: take notice! Your patients will like you much better if you actually take the time to listen to them. They'll forgive the bad schedules and other inconveniences when you treat us well. Don't treat us like an inconvenience!