P.S. I Love You

Dear Ellen Joanna and Brenna Jane, on your first birthday,

We made it, girls! Today you are one whole year old! It was quite a year, wasn't it?

You were born on a Friday. Ellen Joanna, you were born first. You arrived at 8:34 am, 5 lbs 4oz of perfect. The name "Ellen" means ray of light. You were the first baby I saw when we had our first sonogram and you filled my life with light from that very first moment. Your middle name, "Joanna," was given to you by my mother, your grandmother, Joan. She is the strongest, most wonderful woman on Earth and we hope you grow up to be just like her. The name "Joan" is a variation of "John," and it means God is gracious, and you're a gift from God.

Brenna Jane, you are our youngest baby. You arrived at 8:36 am, 5 lbs, 5 oz of perfect. The name "Brenna" has 2 meanings that we know: little drop of water (you were so very tiny in that first sonogram, we barely saw you! Just a little drop of water. We cannot live without water as it gives life and you, dear Brenna, gave us life.) and raven-haired maiden (we could see your hair on the sonogram!!). The name "Jane" is also a variation of "John." While Ellen's middle name came from your grandmother, your middle name came from your Papa. You are named after the most kind, wonderful man and father in the world. And you too are a gift from God. 

Who knew our lives could be filled with such joy and happiness with two little bits that weighed less than 11 pounds combined?? :)

I just wanted to let you know how much your family loves you. When you two arrived, you opened some doors in my heart that I thought were closed forever. I never in a million years thought I could be as happy as I am right now. And I know it's because of you and the light you bring into our lives. You complete our family.

You girls are my little partners in crime. Boy, do we have fun together. Just going to the grocery store is fun when you're with me. Let's see, in your first year of life, you've already seen some pretty awesome things that some people will never do in their lifetime like watch the Royal Wedding (hey, it was a big deal! And watching it live with you two and your brother was silly fun!); you've been on 6 airplanes already (and you travel better than most adults!); you've lived in two states on opposite sides of the country; you've been to the beach and put your little toes in the Pacific Ocean (some people go their whole lives never having done that!); you've seen whales, dolphins and seals swimming in that ocean; you've completed your first 5K (the first race in a loooong running career, I hope!).

You've already been there for your family in big ways. You've been to your Papa's new lab where he's going to discover ways to improve our health and lives; you've been to your brother's baseball games, saw him graduate from Kindergarten and start 1st grade at a brand new school, smiled through his belt tests at karate, watched him run almost 120 laps (which is 30 miles!) at running club and so much more. And you were there when I completed my first California race. I can't imagine how we ever got through life before you two arrived!

We are so excited for what lies ahead for you and for all of us. You two are the most gentle, sweet souls. One can't help but smile and feel good when you're around. I start every day of my life seeing the smiling faces of my three beautiful children and it just fills my heart with light and love. There is no better way to start a day! Watching the three of you play together, hearing those squeals of delight, it makes me feel like my chest is going to burst. I hope you always know how much you mean to us and how much we love you. There is nothing you can't do and I will always be your biggest cheerleader.
 
Happy First Birthday, Ellen and Brenna!

Love always,
Mama

P. S. I love you!

My Girl

My little, tiny 5 lb babies turn one in one week.

Needless to say, I have been an emotional wreck. I don't know why I'm having such a hard time with this birthday. But the past couple of weeks have been particularly emotional for me. I even had a crying jag in Target one afternoon. I was looking for outfits for them to wear for their birthday party and saw all the tiny little newborn clothes and it just slapped me in the face that my girls are growing up. My kids are all growing up and I hate it.

I look at Keller and he's such a big boy. I mean, I have to remind myself that he's only 6 because the way he acts, how incredibly smart he is and how tall he is all point to him being much older than 6. He is doing well in school and learning so much, we have actual conversations about real things. He isn't the little boy he once was and it breaks my heart. Yet, I am excited to see the young man he is going to become. He says now that he wants to be an anatomy professor. We'll see what happens, but I see only great things ahead for him.

And really, I don't know if I can write about the girls growing up. I'm already crying as I type this. If you see typos and poor grammar, just chalk it up to the fact that I can't see through my tears. It feels like they were just born yesterday. They are now walking (while pushing something, not by themselves). They wave and clap. They laugh and squeal. They are quite possibly the happiest babies in the entire world. Being with them makes me feel so good. I walk someplace with them and am in awe of how many people smile and stop to look at them. It makes me happy to know the girls make people smile. And now they are no longer infants. They are still little but they are growing up way too fast. It hurts sometimes just thinking about it.

When Keller was born, literally the day he was born, I cried to myself because I knew someday he would leave and be his own man. I don't know why but for some reason that thought came into my head. I was overwhelmed with love for this tiny being and I couldn't imagine a single day without him by my side. And then I realized that he wouldn't always be by my side. He would have a life to lead and become a great person. And I guess I'm coming to the same realization with the girls. They will have their own lives to lead and be great people.

I know that's a long way off. Trust me, I get that I'm being irrational. But if this first year went by so fast, it's only going to go by faster as they get older. I mean, Keller is 6 now! It's just all happening so fast for me. But I am definitely doing my best to savor every moment I can. I love them all so much!

Happy birthday Ellen and Brenna!

Homecoming

I cannot believe we've been here a month now. And, on top of that, my girls are 6 months old today. I can't believe how much our lives have changed in the past 6 months. Really, we've had two of the biggest life changes one could have, at the same time. It's no wonder I can't sleep!

All in all, things are going well. We've pretty much settled into the house and it's definitely feeling like home. I think our routine is pretty well established. Keller is doing MUCH better in school. He's made some friends and seems really happy and excited about being there. That has been a relief.

The girls are doing so well. They're babbling, rolling around, almost sitting up without support and desperately trying to crawl. They want to move so badly. Honestly, I'm really not ready for them to crawl! If I could have things stay the same for just a week or two without anymore change, I will be very happy. But that's not going to happen!

My parents are coming this week for Keller's birthday. It will be so nice to have them here. Even though we just saw them a few weeks ago, it feels like it's been forever. I just feel so far away from everyone. The time difference is really hard to get used to as well. I always forget that we're 3 hours behind and then can't call anyone because it's too late on the east coast. Sigh.

Let's just hope we continue to find our way here!

In Limbo

I hate this feeling.

I feel like I'm in limbo in so many ways. With the impending move, there are so many things we can't do until we're actually there (like enroll Keller in school, which is a big one). But it's more than the move. I feel like my life is in limbo too.

When we were expecting the twins, we were definitely in limbo. I couldn't do anything being on bed rest and we just didn't know what to expect with regard to taking care of them and how our new family dynamic would play out. But I thought the feeling of being in-between-things would go away once they arrived. Now that we're almost 3 months post-pregnancy, the feelings haven't gone away. There are so many times I have to tell myself "when the babies are older," or "once we're settled in the new place." I hate it.

The most upsetting has been trying to get back into running. It has been so hard to find the time, let alone the energy, to get a run in. So, I just feel gross. I can't lose the remainder of the baby weight, I feel sluggish and just plain disgusting. The babies are sleeping longer at night, so maybe that will make a difference for me. But the thing is, I'm working so hard to get the house ready and pack, in between taking care of the girls, Keller, everyday tasks and still working. I'm exhausted and the last thing I want to do is wake up early to run. Trust me, as a coach, I know all the little things to try to get myself motivated and back on track. The problem is I just feel overtaxed. It's important for me to be good to my body right now since it's been through so much in the last couple of years. I know getting back into shape will make a huge difference in how I feel. I guess I'm just finding it hard to balance taking care of everything I need to do and taking care of myself.

No words of wisdom from me today. Just needed to vent...

Who Needs Sleep

My babies are 5 weeks old today!

It has flown by. I feel like a year has gone by since they were born.

The first two weeks were pretty good in that the babies were eating and sleeping well and we thought we had it made. They are still good babies, but they are definitely developing their temperament and flexing their fussy muscles. The worst time of the day is between 6:00 and 8:00pm when it's starting to get dark. I think they have a hard time transitioning from day to night. But the past 2 nights have been good. Hopefully that will continue.

My parents stayed with us for 4 weeks, which was amazing. I don't think we could have survived without them. It was helpful for me to get the sleep and rest I needed to recover from surgery. I have had a really hard time getting back on my feet. Being on bedrest for so long and then the surgery, I get tired quickly and my body just can't hold out for very long. Plus dealing with two babies at the same time is a very physical job. I'm up and down, running around everywhere. Just taking them out in the car seats is a strength training session. And feeding them at the same time is a full-contact sport.

So this was the first week without my parents here. I have to admit that I was terrified of being on my own with the babies. Dealing with newborn twins is extremely difficult and you don't know how hard it is until you're actually doing it. No amount of preparation can really prepare you. The exhaustion is just beyond belief. Right now the girls are eating every 2-3 hours, but sometimes it's less than 2 hours. Sometimes they're not on each other's schedule and I can feed one at a time. But I finish with one and then feed the other, so I'm never really done because so little time goes by before I need to feed the first one again. Then when they're on the same schedule and I have to feed both of them at the same time, it's insane. Seriously, there is nothing more stressful than trying to feed two babies at the same time.

In addition to this being my first week on my own, it was also Keller's spring break off school. So I was dealing with him as well. While he's fairly self-sufficient, he's still only 5 and needs help with things. Or just wants things. And has a lot of energy. A LOT of energy. There was one point where I was trying to feed both the babies at the same time and he's running around throwing toys in our faces. He also likes to stick his face in their face when they're sleeping...which usually wakes them up. Oh, it was a fun week.

But we survived. The girls are now starting to smile here and there. They're making more eye contact and interacting more. And I could just eat their cheeks. They're filling out more as they gain weight and their cheeks are getting round and delicious! It's only going to get better from here.

Push It

A friend of mine politely reminded me that I haven't posted to my blog in a while. As I told him, I'm kind of lacking the motivation. I have plenty to say as so much is going on, but just no motivation to write.

So the last time I posted it was the beginning of the new year. Leading up to 2011, the days were draggggging. Oh, it was painful. And I just kept telling myself to get to January and the babies will be here before we know it. Really, since January 1st, the days really have been flying by. Well, being on bed rest the term "days flying by" has a different meaning. The days aren't really flying by but the time is passing a lot faster than it was before.

My days still consist primarily of work, which definitely helps pass the time. But each day is interupted by waves of panic that wash over me. These kids are arriving soon and we don't have a whole lot done. I guess we kind of do, but it doesn't feel that way. I think any parent, new or expecting baby #2 (or 3 or 4) will feel a bit ill-prepared. Things are much more complicated and hectic this go around than with Keller. Even though I was on bed rest with him, we didn't have a 5-year old running around at the same time.

Let's recap what has been going on (I'll try to be brief):

• I was diagnosed with gestational diabetes (which really blows)


• We lost our beloved cat, Percy. I'll probably write more about that at a different time.


• We set the date for the delivery of the babies: March 21st (let the wave of panic wash over me again)

Of course there were other things going on, but I would say these were the main occurences. It's been an interesting month or so. And the next month is going to be filled with moments of insanity. I can't believe the babies are coming in less than 5 weeks. They will be here at any time in the next 5 weeks. That's too much for me to think about right now. I need to go take a nap.

Santa Claus is Coming to Town

Last weekend we went to see Santa Claus. How does one go see Santa when they are on bed rest? Well, we needed to get creative.

When we got to the mall, John dropped me off and I sat on a bench at the front while he and Keller parked the car. When they came in, Keller stayed with me on the bench and John went to get me a wheelchair. Yes, a wheelchair. I felt bad getting a wheelchair because I'm not actually disabled. But I'm not allowed to walk around or even sit upright for very long. Plus the mall wasn't busy as we got there when they first opened and I didn't think there was going to be a mad rush on wheelchairs.

Besides, I've already missed Keller's Halloween parade at school, trick or treating, and his Thanksgiving feast at school, among the regular everyday things I can't do with him. I couldn't miss Santa. This bed rest thing has me missing out on a lot and I couldn't miss yet another thing.

Thankfully we didn't have to wait too long for Santa. I was parked over on the side watching everyone. It was kind of amusing. Then Keller gets to Santa and tells him he wants a race car. Since when? He tells us Transformers and Bakugans and whatever else and he tells Santa a race car? It reminded me of the scene in The Christmas Story where Ralphie, who wants a Red Rider Bee Bee Gun gets nervous when he sees Santa and tells him he wants a football. Thankfully this Santa wasn't as creepy.

After Santa we went to lunch. All in all, it was a great day. It felt good to be out in the world and I was so happy to have been there to see Santa with Keller. Even if I did feel like an ass sitting in a wheelchair.

And to top it all off, this morning Keller said he hoped Santa leaves something for his babies. He wants them to have something to open when they come home. It was too sweet. And I cried.

Merry Christmas!

I Thank You

Yesterday was Thanksgiving. It was a good day. We layed around most of the day and then went to friends' house for a great dinner. It was a good thing I brought my stretchiest maternity pants to change into! Most of my maternity pants are already too tight for my expanding belly, so I was very glad I brought the biggest ones I own!

And while I don't need a single day to sit down and reflect on all that I'm thankful for, I wanted to share with the world what really means the most to me. This year we feel more thankful than ever. We are so hopeful that we'll be bringing home two new babies in a few months. I am almost 22 weeks now and things seem to be going really well. The babies are growing and kicking and all the problems we've been having up to this point seem to be under control. I'm not off bed rest but at least I know things are looking good. I know we won't be out of the woods until they're home with us, but we feel really encouraged and happy that things are looking so good.

We are also thankful, of course, for our sweet son, Keller. He fills us with such joy everyday. We had a nice long conversation about how Spiderman, Superman, Batman and others work so hard to keep people safe from the bad guys. Did you know Spiderman lives at the zoo in order to keep people from fighting the animals? I didn't know that and I'll be sure to look for him the next time we're there.

We are extremely thankful for our friends and family who have been such a source of support for us. They've always been there for us, but this past year wouldn't have been possible for us to deal with if we didn't have such a strong support group. And to everyone who has helped us since I've been on bed rest: you're amazing. The dinners, lunches, visits, calls, emails, etc. have just meant so much to us. Just knowing that people are looking out for my family, it makes me cry. And to know these two babies will not only be welcomed into a home full of love for them, there is a whole system of people that have loved them and helped them long before they were born. It really is too much for me to think about without getting emotional about it.

And I am so incredibly thankful for my husband who has taken this whole bed rest thing on with minimal complaints, grumbles and issues. He is handling all of it and he is just taking it in stride. I am so grateful for him and Keller taking care of me, I can't even put it into words. It's such a long road ahead of us that it's overwhelming for me, but John just does it. I don't know what I would do without him.

I hope everyone had a wonderful Thanksgiving. Enjoy the time with your friends and family.