Pictures of You

I haven't written about this because writing it would mean that it actually happened.

On July 24th, we lost our baby.

I had been having bad abdominal pains all week. We had gone into the OB's office, had a sonogram, everything looked fine. The baby was perfect. But these pains just wouldn't stop.

Thursday evening they got really bad. And then I started bleeding. I knew it was not good. I went to the satellite ER that's near our house. John got one of our neighbors to come and stay with Keller and he joined me. We were there for a couple of hours. They did another sonogram and saw that the baby was in the birth canal and the placenta started to tear. I was in labor. The pain was unimaginable. I had multiple doses of morphine and dilaudid and it did nothing. It was awful.

They transferred me to Shady Grove Hospital. We delivered our baby in the early hours of Friday, July 24th. It was the single worst day of my life.

The last two months have been the hardest to get through. I have never experienced a hurt so bad before. I have never felt so empty and alone. We have had to try to be "normal" for Keller. He's definitely seen us upset and we've told him what happened. He understands to a certain degree, about as much as a 4-year old can understand.

I left my job. I couldn't possibly deal with this while working there. For the first time in my life I don't really give a damn about anything other than being true to my feelings and taking care of myself and my family. I just couldn't do that while working there. I left August 14th and haven't regretted it a single day. I working from home now, doing the marketing and promotion for Fleet Feet Sports, Gaithersburg. I've worked with them since 2006, so I feel good coming back full-time. And so far it's been good.

I can't really put into words how terrible this has been for us. Losing our child has been the absolute worst thing that has ever happened to us. We were almost halfway through the pregnancy. We made it through the cerclage surgery. We thought we were out of the woods. We thought we would be welcoming a new baby this winter.

We found out we had a boy. A little boy. Keller had a brother. My heart aches for what he has lost. I picture in my head what the two of them would have been like together. What trouble and fun they would have, what we all would have had. And now there will always be someone missing from our family.

We are doing the best we can. We take it day by day and some days are far better than others. I feel like I'm moving through life extremely slowly. I feel like I'm watching other people go on with their lives and I'm just sort of stuck here. Things go on, obviously, but in my heart, I'm stuck. I know I won't ever "get over" this and anyone that thinks you get over losing your child, born or not, is sadly mistaken. Just because we can have a conversation and perhaps laugh and smile, doesn't mean we're "better" and "over it." It means we are all right on the surface but deep down we're broken and trying to heal. There will always be a scar on my heart and this is now part of who I am. I am not the same person I was when I found out I was pregnant. I'm different, sadder, and a piece of me has died.

I'm writing this for a number of reasons. It helps me feel slightly lighter getting some of the emotion out. I leave pieces of my sadness everywhere. And that takes some of the weight off of me. I'm writing it so people will understand what a loss like this does to people. While everyone is different and how they grieve is different, losing a child like this is a multi-dimensional thing. It's different than other forms of grief and loss. It just is. And the term "miscarriage" just doesn't cover all the physical and emotional pain that comes with it. Miscarriage is an ugly word.

Lastly, I'm writing this to help other people going through this understand that they're not alone. While having friends and family supporting me has been extremely helpful, knowing other people going through this at the same time has also been helpful. Knowing that I can be sad and not explain why is more helpful than you would think.

Take care.

I Like You So Much Better When You're Naked

Did you know that today is National Nude Day? I'm totally serious. And last week (the whole week!) was Nude Recreation Week. That's hysterical.

I wrote an article about it yesterday on the Examiner. There are a number of people that actually run naked. So many that there are several organized nude races throughout the country. Could you imagine? Most of the stories people have written about them have said that once you get past the initial self-consciousness, it's actually quite fun. Everyone is naked, so it's not like people are really only looking at you. I guess looking at butts the whole time you're running isn't necessarily a bad thing. I guess it depends on the butts ;)

I just think about how most races have a decent number of people running and the starting line can get crowded. Some races are so crowded, you're kind of rubbing up against each other. That would be a no-no at a naked race. And if it's summer? The smell would be wretched. I think I just got a little sick.

Anyway, I'm glad I'm able to celebrate Nude Day in the comfort of my home today. It would be awkward (and a little chilly) at the office.

Black coffee in bed

Well, I'm not drinking coffee in bed. I just like that song.

Today I begin Day 5 if bed rest. God, this sucks.

Surgery on Wednesday went well. What I can remember of it. I thought I was just getting a spinal for anesthesia but I ended up getting general anesthesia and I don't remember much after going into the operating room. I guess that's a good thing. The anesthesia didn't really agree with me and I was kind of sick after the surgery. I don't really remember coming home and I slept all day. So, at least I slept through the first day of bed rest.

Thursday everything kind of hit me. I was in a lot of pain and still not feeling well from the anesthesia. It wasn't until Friday when that actually wore off.

I really wish I had some wonderful stories or profound thoughts. But bed rest is like my nemesis. I do not do well. I know people mean well when they say I should enjoy the rest and all that. But it's not really restful. When you spend all day laying down (when you really don't want to), it's hard to relax. It's hard to sleep at night when you are laying down all day. It's hard to tell Keller I can't play with him. One can only read for so long, watch so many movies, and watch so much really bad TV.

Speaking of bad TV, I guess I do have a comment about that. Have you seen Bridezillas? These women are crazy. I don't know how much of it is staged but these women are awful. They are rude and bratty. One woman didn't like the centerpiece the florist made for her so she threw it on the ground. She also smashed the cake her baker made for her to taste because it wasn't chocolate. Could you imagine marrying that? Yikes!

Anyway, I go back to the doctor this Wednesday so hopefully I'll get the all clear to resume life. I will at least try to be more upbeat in my next post :)

Sweet Child of Mine

Wow, it's been a long time since I posted anything here. Well, there has been quite a lot going on but nothing I could really talk about because we felt it would be best to wait.

I'm pregnant :)

Yuppers, that's right. Baby #2 is on the way. And it has been super hard not talking about it for the last 3 months (I'm 3 months along now). We had a lot of difficulties with Keller with premature labor and 3 months of bed rest and we have already started having some issues with this one as well. So, we felt we wouldn't announce it to the world until we at least got out of the first trimester. There it is.

We're not completely out of the woods. I have to have surgery in a couple of weeks where they literally sew things up (internally, of course) to prevent the premature labor thing. Sorry to those that feel this is too much information. But it is what it is. It's called a cerclage in case you want to learn about it. It is pretty routine, though there are risks involved. Needless to say, I'm worried. Which is why we haven't told Keller yet. Though we think he probably already has an idea since my ever-expanding middle is quite noticeable.

The surgery is July 8th and I'll be on bed rest for the week afterward. Hopefully it will be the only week of the pregnancy, though we shouldn't get our hopes up.

We've already had like 7 sonograms, so I'm pretty familiar with this baby already. I had one today and it's looking so much like a baby now. It's weird because it's only just over 2 inches long, and it looks like a baby. It was stretching it's little legs out and rubbing its face with a little hand. It's getting in shape to start its marathon career. Or to at least keep up with Keller.

Keller, our boy wonder, has started in a new classroom last week. It's the preK room and he's doing well. Granted, it's only been a week, but he's gotten less reluctant each day. Today he even walked in there excitedly. Good sign! He continues to amaze us with the things he says and does. He spelled 'butterfly' on the way to swim lessons yesterday. We're hoping next year he can help us with our taxes.

I promise to post more frequently now that I'm allowed to talk about what's going on. You know I like to talk. A lot. So imagine how hard it's been for me to be silent. It's been torture, quite frankly. Be prepared for me to make up for lost time. :) And look out for next week when I'm on bed rest and have lots of time to pass...

Pour Some Sugar on Me

So, lately I've been on an 80s kick. I've been playing my theme song quite a bit (Don't Stop Believing by Journey). I've been playing it so much that Keller now requests it EVERY time we're in the car. And I have to sing. It's awesome. We were even rocking out to Bon Jovi and Cheap Trick over the weekend. My kid is cool.

Anyway, I'm in the car this afternoon and Def Leopard comes on. Every time I hear Def Leopard I am instantly reminded of my Oma. This is my dad's mother (Oma is German for 'grandma'). Oma was quite the lady. We have many funny stories about Oma. So, why would a band like Def Leopard remind me of my Oma?

Well, I guess I need to give some background here. Oma lived with us from when I was about six until I graduated high school. She was a special lady and by that I mean she drove us all crazy. Don't get me wrong, we loved her dearly, but the woman was interesting, to say the least. She had a hearing aid (which she called her 'ear') and couldn't hear a darn thing without it. Her room was next to mine, which was a lot of fun for me. She had her own phone line which rang off the hook day and night. And she would yell into the phone because she couldn't hear half the time.

Again, what does this have to do with Def Leopard? Well, one afternoon I was minding my own business watching some MTV. Def Leopard was on, though I don't remember what video it was. Oma comes into the den to see what I'm doing, trying really hard to be a part of my life (God bless her). Anyway, she asked me what I was watching and I told her it was a band named Def Leopard. Here is kind of how the conversation went:

Oma: What are you watching?
Me: MTV
Oma: What is that?
Me: It shows music videos.
Oma: Oh. Who is that?
Me: Def Leopard.
Oma: Who?
Me: Def Leopard.
Oma: What?
Me: Def Leopard (I'm seriously getting annoyed at this point).
Oma: Dead who?
Me: DEF LEOPARD
Oma: Dead Lovebirds? Who would name their band Dead Lovebirds?
Me: I don't know, them I guess.

I laugh every time I hear Def Leopard and I think of my Oma. What a character.