Nobody Knows

Sometimes it feels like we're living a double life. I guess we are, in a way. There's the life in front of other people and the life behind closed doors. We can be relatively normal in our everyday lives. We can do our jobs, have meaningful (or meaningless) conversations, etc. But we also go home and cry.

This Saturday marks the 3-month mark since we lost the baby. The thought of that makes me sick. On one hand, I feel like I should be better because it's been 3 months. And I guess we're better in the larger, abstract sense of the word. I don't cry every day anymore. But the feelings are just as intense. So, on the other hand, it's only been 3 months. Three months really isn't that long in the grand scheme of things. Three months is enough time to get to the point where I'm not crying everyday.

Sometimes being a sensitive person is really a character flaw. I have always had too-intense feelings. I take things to heart way too often. Sometimes it's great because I can feel intense joy and happiness, but I can also feel intense sadness. And I've never felt such sadness as I have these past 3 months. In the other times in my life where I've experienced loss, it's been sad. But nothing like this. Nothing.

So now it's time to bring myself back to life. Somehow. I have been underwater for the last 3 months and I have to get to the surface somehow. I am trying to get back to the things that have made me happy in the past. I have some races lined up that hopefully will spark my love of running again. It's hard to love anything when you feel dark inside. Hopefully training for something will shine a light. I'll take a flicker at this point.

I'm pretty scared of how the next few months will be. We were supposed to be welcoming a baby in those months and now that that isn't happening, I'm afraid of the sadness taking over. I'm trying to head it off by scheduling races to train for. Give myself something else to focus on. It works on some days and it doesn't on other days.

All we can do is our best. We can get out of bed in the morning and see what happens.