Achy Breaky Heart

There are moments when things Keller says just tear my heart out.

Yesterday he began first grade in his new school. He seemed so excited about it. When he woke up, he came running downstairs saying "It's my first day of school! It's my first day of school!" He was so cute. He got dressed in his new outfit that he picked out all on his own and got ready to go quickly. He put on his backpack and ran out the door.

We got the girls into their stroller and hit the road on our walk to school. Keller was still excited and was talking a mile a minute the whole way.

When we got to school, I think he felt really overwhelmed. This is a much bigger school than Goddard School and certainly has many more students. And with it being the first day of school, it was crazy. The mascot for the school is the eagle, so there was someone dressed in an eagle costume dancing around to Rocky. It was cute. There were kids and parents everywhere. Really, it was a madhouse.

We found Keller's classroom and sat there waiting for his teacher. As the other kids were starting to show up, Keller asked me, "What if the other kids don't like me?" My heart broke into a million little pieces. How could they not like my sweet boy?

For years now, Keller has had a life outside of us. He's been going to preschool and kindergarten and has had stuff happen in his day that I don't know about. However, Goddard was a really safe environment. It was small and low-key and just safe. For some reason yesterday made me realize that he's entering into a different world. A world that I have no control over what happens to him. Kids are mean and they're going to say mean things to him. He's going to get his feelings hurt and there's nothing I can do about it. He's sad right now because he doesn't know anyone at school and it breaks my heart. He said during recess he just walked around the playground because he felt lost. I wanted to jump out a window. When we asked about lunch and if he liked eating outside, he said yes but that he ate alone because no one sat next to him. I want to puke just thinking about it again.

He's such a sweet boy and I know he'll make friends quickly. But seeing him sad just kills me. I've never seen him like this and I don't know what to do. I keep telling myself that it's only been a day and he'll be all right. And he's not the only new person in his class. Maybe I'm reading too much into his behavior, but he just seems different. I hope it's just that he's nervous and overwhelmed by the new situation and not a change in him. He's always been confident and really good at making friends. He had 3 new friends within minutes of moving into our house. Unfortunately though, those boys aren't in his class.

I wish I could make things easier for him. I wish I could be there with him and help him meet his classmates. I just want to see him smile again and feel comfortable about his new classmates. This is the part of parenting that really gets me. I don't want him to feel any sadness or feel alone. But it's a part of life and everyone experiences it. Even my sweet boy.

I Thank You

Yesterday was Thanksgiving. It was a good day. We layed around most of the day and then went to friends' house for a great dinner. It was a good thing I brought my stretchiest maternity pants to change into! Most of my maternity pants are already too tight for my expanding belly, so I was very glad I brought the biggest ones I own!

And while I don't need a single day to sit down and reflect on all that I'm thankful for, I wanted to share with the world what really means the most to me. This year we feel more thankful than ever. We are so hopeful that we'll be bringing home two new babies in a few months. I am almost 22 weeks now and things seem to be going really well. The babies are growing and kicking and all the problems we've been having up to this point seem to be under control. I'm not off bed rest but at least I know things are looking good. I know we won't be out of the woods until they're home with us, but we feel really encouraged and happy that things are looking so good.

We are also thankful, of course, for our sweet son, Keller. He fills us with such joy everyday. We had a nice long conversation about how Spiderman, Superman, Batman and others work so hard to keep people safe from the bad guys. Did you know Spiderman lives at the zoo in order to keep people from fighting the animals? I didn't know that and I'll be sure to look for him the next time we're there.

We are extremely thankful for our friends and family who have been such a source of support for us. They've always been there for us, but this past year wouldn't have been possible for us to deal with if we didn't have such a strong support group. And to everyone who has helped us since I've been on bed rest: you're amazing. The dinners, lunches, visits, calls, emails, etc. have just meant so much to us. Just knowing that people are looking out for my family, it makes me cry. And to know these two babies will not only be welcomed into a home full of love for them, there is a whole system of people that have loved them and helped them long before they were born. It really is too much for me to think about without getting emotional about it.

And I am so incredibly thankful for my husband who has taken this whole bed rest thing on with minimal complaints, grumbles and issues. He is handling all of it and he is just taking it in stride. I am so grateful for him and Keller taking care of me, I can't even put it into words. It's such a long road ahead of us that it's overwhelming for me, but John just does it. I don't know what I would do without him.

I hope everyone had a wonderful Thanksgiving. Enjoy the time with your friends and family.

Give Peace A Chance

We went up to NY a couple of weekends ago. We hadn't been up there since before we got pregnant, which was a lifetime ago. I was nervous about the trip. I wasn't in a good place and was afraid of the feelings that would be stirred up by going there. But this is the time of firsts (first time for things since we lost the baby). And this was the first trip to my parents' since then.

Well, I had a horrendous breakdown while we were there. John and I went for a run on a trail close to my parents' house. It's really nice and soft, we really enjoy running there. I was looking forward to it. If I haven't mentioned it before, running has been pretty emotional for me since I started back, for a number of reasons. But I had been all right for a while, running was becoming my thing again. But for some reason, I lost it out on that trail.

I really had a breakdown. I was hyperventilating and everything. I just wanted to lay on the trail and stay there forever. I was imagining myself staying there as it got dark and I just wanted to sit there in the dark. John, of course, wasn't about to leave me there and somehow I made it back to the car. I was able to get myself together and we were able to actually enjoy the rest of the weekend.

The strangest thing is that I somehow feel more at peace after that breakdown. I left a huge piece of my hurt out on that trail. I'm not saying I'm 100% and all is great, but I feel more at peace with my life and how things are for us now. Don't get me wrong, I still get upset and have my moments. I had a panic attack in Ikea yesterday. Sometimes it feels like the entire world is pregnant and I was surrounded by about 20 of them in Ikea yesterday. I thought I was going to explode.

But I made it through. I guess that's the thing. I feel like I'm making it through. I can laugh a little deeper now, smile a little longer. My crying spells don't last as long. I hope it continues. I'm really nervous about how things will be as we approach the holidays and my due date. All I can do is honor how I feel and go with it.

But I'm thankful for my friends and family for being there for me. Without you I wouldn't be able to start making peace with this. I love you.

Keep on Smiling

This weekend was heavenly. I just didn't want it to end.

We didn't have to travel. We didn't have to train for anything. We had plans with friends and that was it. And that was awesome.

We actually watched a movie Friday night. It was the first time we watched a movie together in literally months. We watched Smart People with Dennis Quaid and Sarah Jessica Parker. It was good. Interesting with some funny moments.

Saturday morning was nice and lazy. After breakfast John, Keller, Lola the dog, and I went for a walk and took the soccer ball. We kicked the ball around for a while, until Lola got too annoying and wouldn't let anyone play. We then went to the playground until it started to rain. We ran back home, dried off and then had some lunch.

We then all took naps, which was awesome. We then got up and got ready for Noah's birthday party. That was fun and chaotic. It was at My Gym, which is a free-for-all. Keller just goes crazy there, so it was an hour and a half of chasing him around, making sure he didn't fall off some apparatus.

After Keller went to bed, we watch another movie. We watched No Country for Old Men. While I'm usually not one for extremely violent movies, this was pretty good. It had some very interesting dialogue. I liked it.

Sunday morning we went downtown to watch the Marine Corps Marathon. This was my first (and second) marathon, so it's pretty nostalgic for me. It was a gorgeous morning and it was cool watching all the front runners go by. I usually don't get to see them since I'm way behind them. It was awesome.

After the marathon, we met Eric and Isabel for brunch. We hadn't seen them in a while, and Saturday was Eric's birthday, so we needed to get together. We stuffed ourselves and had a great time.

We then went home, had naps, I went for a run, and then we all went over to Mary and Steve's for a great dinner. The usual suspects were there, and it was a great time.

So, this was my idea of a perfect weekend. Friends, food, and fun! Happy Monday!