Here Comes The Sun

I can't believe it's been so long since I've posted.

I've been wanting to post. I have formulated posts in my head and thought about what I would want to talk about. It all comes back to the baby and what I've been dealing with in getting through our loss. I know not everyone really wants to read about it so I don't post. But then I think, "Um...it's my blog. My thoughts."

Anyway, the past few months have flown by. A lot has happened but a lot hasn't happened too. I feel like I really turned a corner with my 50K back in March. Since then I have run another marathon, a few half marathons, a 10-miler, etc. Running has really been my salvation. It's been fun. But I have also come upon the date where I found out I was pregnant last year and now a lot of my time is spent thinking about what I was doing last year at this time and how different I thought things would be now.

But I feel like I actually have the strength to deal with it now. I can sit and think about what we lost and not feel that hole in my heart. I am not over it, please don't think I've moved on. But I feel like I've found my strength...I have finally found the strength to not only wake up each morning but get out of bed.

Back one morning in April, I was taking Keller to school and "Here Comes The Sun" came on. Keller and I listen to the Beatles every time we're in the car. And while this song has come on a million times before, this one morning it came on and it hit me. I was welcoming the sun in my life. I could feel happiness again and it felt good.

Wow. It was huge. There were tears streaming down my face as I listened to the words to the song. The sun was shining on me and the long, cold winter filled with sadness and despair was behind me. The memories are still there and I can still feel the sadness and I miss what would have been, but I can look forward now. I can see that there's still a huge, long sun-filled road ahead of me.


Here Comes The Sun
The Beatles (George Harrison)

Here comes the sun, doo da doo doo
Here comes the sun, and I say
It's alright

Little darling
It's been a long, cold, lonely winter
Little darling
It feels like years since it's been here

Here comes the sun
Here comes the sun, and I say
It's alright

Little darling
The smiles returning to their faces
Little darling
It seems like years since it's been here

Here comes the sun
Here comes the sun, and I say
It's alright

Sun, sun, sun, here it comes
Sun, sun, sun, here it comes
Sun, sun, sun, here it comes
Sun, sun, sun, here it comes
Sun, sun, sun, here it comes

Little darling
I see the ice is slowly melting
Little darling
It seems like years since it's been clear

Here comes the sun, here comes the sun and I say,
It's alright

Stand in the Rain

This week has been pretty tough for me. Nothing happened, there wasn't a moment that made it all come crashing down. It was just a bad week.

I don't really have a mechanism for getting through tough times anymore. This experience of losing our child has stripped me of that capability. Yes, I'm surviving and carrying on, but it's not the same as living. I don't really know how to be truly happy anymore, to feel the light inside, to want to see what the day brings.

In the past, I've turned to other people who have gone through heartache to hear their words, to try to understand that through their example, maybe I can get through my trouble too. I've turned to Molly Barker, Founder of Girls on the Run, to read her words and through her find some strength. So, this morning, I turn to her again and I've spent the majority of this morning reading her blog. Molly is truly an amazing person. She has been through so much in her life, and somehow has found the strength and courage to not only pull herself back up onto her feet, but start an amazing organization that helps girls (and women) do the same.

Girls on the Run started back up here 3 weeks ago. I'm lucky enough to be coaching over at Ronald McNair this season. We have an amazing group of 12 girls. They come to each session with excitement in their eyes. And through them, I feel excited. I feel alive when I'm with them. I know that I can be myself and not be afraid of judgment, because we're all in the same boat. We're all just doing our thing.

I don't really know where I'm going with this. I'm just typing words. I guess what I'm saying is that reading Molly's words and being a part of Girls on the Run is a wonderful way to get through tough times. It helps me feel a little stronger. I'm really looking forward to Tuesday morning, when we meet again.