The Warrior

Wow, I can't believe it's been almost a year since I wrote something on this blog. I guess things have been busy. Or I haven't felt much like writing. Yes, both of those.

Thoughts about a blog post started coming in as I was reading my new favorite book, Carry On, Warrior by Glennon Doyle Melton. It was chosen by my book club and I'm so glad it was.

Glennon is my new favorite person and she has been added to my very short list of non-family/friend heroes. Before this new addition, my one hero was (and is) Molly Barker, founder of Girls on the Run and all-around amazing woman. I've written about her a few times (here and here, to start) and had the pleasure of meeting her for the first time when we were starting Girls on the Run of Montgomery County many moons ago. Once we were approved to start our chapter (or council, as they are called), we had to go to Charlotte, NC for meetings with the higher ups of the organization, get trained, meet other new councils and have a nice girls' weekend. We were doing a coach training and playing some ice breakers. When it was my turn to say something, I mentioned how the trip to Charlotte for this training was the first time I had left my then baby Keller for more than a few hours (he was about 14 months old at the time). I cried, of course, and Molly cried along with me. It was just a moment I'll never forget because in most situations, that would have been super awkward and I would have been mortified for crying. But in that moment, I was accepted. My feelings were accepted and welcomed. Great, great moment. Over the years, I've met with her a few times and I feel like my life was definitely enhanced by her presence. Granted, she probably doesn't remember me but I remember her.

Glennon reminds me greatly of Molly. Glennon has lived her life, as she puts it, protected by her many superhero capes. You know, the capes we put on to hide ourselves and our true feelings: the "I'm perfect" cape, the "I am fine!" cape, and so on. Just like Molly's Girl Box. You know, the box we're put in throughout our lives. We have to look a certain way, act a certain way, but we can't be too pretty or too smart, among other "can'ts." The Girl Box sucks. Anyway, after the living the majority of her life hiding her true self, her true feelings, and pretending to be someone everyone wanted her to be, Glennon found herself a decade-plus into bulimia, alcohol and drug addition, scared and newly pregnant. She was faced with a choice: continue the downward spiral into oblivion or get better, remove the capes and become a mother. She chose the latter and now, another decade-plus into sobriety, motherhood and marriage, she shares her stories with us. And I relate to her on So Many Levels. From the issues with food and substances (which is why I'm an anal runner and nutrition freak now!), to pretending to be someone others want me to be, I just feel like she speaks to me. What she shares, I feel. To know that it's ok to be who we are as long as we're truthful.

Between Glennon and Molly, both of which I follow on Facebook and Twitter (the links from their names lead to their Facebook pages if you're interested), I get daily, multiple daily, reminders that I am enough, that it's ok, and together, we can do hard things. And while I may seem to be handling things well on the outside, there are times when I'm in the fetal position on the floor wondering how this all happened to me. Trust me. I am. We all are. And it's ok. And I know that the gifts I have are enough. And you are enough. And together we can do hard things. We just have to show up.

People, man or woman, I highly recommend Glennon's book. I highly recommend following Glennon's blog and Molly's blog. They are smart, insightful, hilarious women. Their words will delight you and pull at your heart strings, but it feels good to actually feel.

Carry on, Warriors!

Stand in the Rain

This week has been pretty tough for me. Nothing happened, there wasn't a moment that made it all come crashing down. It was just a bad week.

I don't really have a mechanism for getting through tough times anymore. This experience of losing our child has stripped me of that capability. Yes, I'm surviving and carrying on, but it's not the same as living. I don't really know how to be truly happy anymore, to feel the light inside, to want to see what the day brings.

In the past, I've turned to other people who have gone through heartache to hear their words, to try to understand that through their example, maybe I can get through my trouble too. I've turned to Molly Barker, Founder of Girls on the Run, to read her words and through her find some strength. So, this morning, I turn to her again and I've spent the majority of this morning reading her blog. Molly is truly an amazing person. She has been through so much in her life, and somehow has found the strength and courage to not only pull herself back up onto her feet, but start an amazing organization that helps girls (and women) do the same.

Girls on the Run started back up here 3 weeks ago. I'm lucky enough to be coaching over at Ronald McNair this season. We have an amazing group of 12 girls. They come to each session with excitement in their eyes. And through them, I feel excited. I feel alive when I'm with them. I know that I can be myself and not be afraid of judgment, because we're all in the same boat. We're all just doing our thing.

I don't really know where I'm going with this. I'm just typing words. I guess what I'm saying is that reading Molly's words and being a part of Girls on the Run is a wonderful way to get through tough times. It helps me feel a little stronger. I'm really looking forward to Tuesday morning, when we meet again.

I Want to Break Free

I have not even felt like writing in my blog. Isn't that awful? I am usually never at a loss for words. But things have been hard and the one thing that has been making me the most stressed I won't talk about here. Let's just say I'm REALLY looking forward to the short work week.

So, let's talk about the weekend instead. Friday night, the girls got together over at Mary's. We hadn't all been together in quite some time. It was fun, as always.

Saturday morning started with me coaching my marathon/half marathon group. Because it's a large group, and they all run at different paces, I often ride my bike along side them. Well, that was the plan this Saturday. I started off and my hands and feet were frozen in a matter of minutes. I almost fell off a number of times because I couldn't feel my brakes. While it was a little scary for me at the time, I'm sure I was quite the sight to see me floundering around on my bike. I had my thickest gloves and socks on, so I don't think there was anything more I could do. I had to go back to my car and follow everyone around in my car. It was comical to say the least. I will have to find another solution there.

Later in the day, we went over to Eric and Isa's for an early Thanksgiving. They are traveling down to FL for the holiday, so they wanted to have friends over for an early feast. And what a feast it was. We ate like there was no tomorrow. It was a fun night with all the food, wine & champagne, and card games and Wii. Wii is a very interesting thing. I kind of really want one because it's a lot of fun, but I know that I'd play all the time and nothing would ever get done. You know, like me and Facebook, Twitter, blogging, etc.

Sunday I met with a client in the morning. He's such a nice guy and he's come such a long way in his running. Then the rest of the day was lazy. Well, I shouldn't say lazy, because I spent most of the day doing laundry, folding it and putting it away. And I didn't even finish. But I definitely made a dent.

And now it's Monday. Yahoo. But what's funny is that Keller is starting pee wee soccer tonight. It should be interesting because we were talking about it yesterday and he said he doesn't want to play soccer. So, this should be fun. At least we can get a refund if he doesn't like it! And I have my 8K group tonight and that should be fun. Lately, my groups are the only things I look forward to.

Leaving on a Jet Plane

I have about an hour to get ready and get out the door. And, of course, I'm putzing around on the computer. Now I think I know why I'm late for everything. It's called Facebook, Twitter, blogging, etc. Too much social networking.

I'm feeling a bit less stressed. I'm done with work for the week. And while I can check my email and stuff, I'm off duty. I totally overloaded my editor before I left, so he'll have stuff to do while I'm away (as if he didn't already). So, that's good. Sometimes it feels really good when you're really productive. I knocked so much off my to-do list. There was only one item I wasn't able to finish and that can be done on Tuesday. Woo hoo!

Keller is so excited about going to Chicago. He told all his friends and teacher at school. John got him a little camera so he could take his own pictures. He'll have the window seat on the plane and he'll be in heaven. He has a number of obsessions (wonder where he gets that from) and the sun and clouds and moon and stars are all one of them. So, he'll be ecstatic being in the sky and so close to the sun. But we borrowed Mary's portable DVD player to be on the safe side.

As far as the race goes, it is what it is. I've trained. I've prepared. I've packed for every situation. You can't cram for a race. You either have the miles or you don't. I think I have them. I certainly have more than what I did for NYC Marathon last year, and Frederick earlier this year. So, here's hoping all goes well.

I'll try to post throughout the weekend. But I'll definitely be back on Monday afternoon (or Tuesday morning).

Have a great weekend everyone!

What do people 'blog' about?

I started this blog for some reason, though now I'm wondering why. What do people generally write in their blogs? Is it like a diary? Should I begin each post with "Dear Diary..."? I guess I'll just do what I do best...blab.

I made the stupid decision to try and qualify for the Boston Marathon. I'm hiring a good friend, and fellow RRCA Running Coach, Mike Broderick (check him out here), to train me over the summer so I can run the Chicago Marathon and qualify for Boston. I'm taking the summer off from coaching running groups through Fleet Feet Sports (of Gaithersburg!) and will focus on my training.

Am I nuts? Why did I think this was a good idea? I haven't even started yet and I'm already nervous about it. I have a race this weekend (a 10K) that Mike wants me to "race" so we can determine what my training paces should be. I haven't raced since high school. That was a long time ago. I feel nauseous just thinking about it. I feel like if I'm too slow, Mike won't want to coach me.

Before I can start training for Chicago, I am finishing up my current training group. I'm coaching a group to run the Frederick Marathon and Half Marathon on May 4th. That's in 9 days. I'm excited for them. For most, this is their first marathon or half, depending on who you're asking. They're so nervous, it's cute. I remember being so nervous for my first marathon. I'm really glad to be a part of everyone's goal. It's nice to know I helped them.

In addition to all this craziness of running Frederick and then trying to qualify for Boston, I'm also trying to become a certified yoga instructor. My original training program was postponed, so now I'm going to take it in bits and pieces throughout the summer and fall, and into next year. But I'm hoping to hold a class sometime over the summer. I think it will be so much fun!

In true stream-of-consciousness fashion, I'm now changing the subject completely to Keller. He's two and a half going on teenager. This morning he was playing on the floor and I got down there with him. He told me to leave him alone and "go do something." Can you believe this? What is he going to do when he's 16? He'll probably have burnt the house down by then, so it won't matter.

Do I really need a blog?

Welcome to my new blog. I don't really know why I decided to keep a blog. I don't know if I really have anything that interesting to write about. But I guess it gives me something to do when I'm bored.

Hope you like it!