The Warrior

Wow, I can't believe it's been almost a year since I wrote something on this blog. I guess things have been busy. Or I haven't felt much like writing. Yes, both of those.

Thoughts about a blog post started coming in as I was reading my new favorite book, Carry On, Warrior by Glennon Doyle Melton. It was chosen by my book club and I'm so glad it was.

Glennon is my new favorite person and she has been added to my very short list of non-family/friend heroes. Before this new addition, my one hero was (and is) Molly Barker, founder of Girls on the Run and all-around amazing woman. I've written about her a few times (here and here, to start) and had the pleasure of meeting her for the first time when we were starting Girls on the Run of Montgomery County many moons ago. Once we were approved to start our chapter (or council, as they are called), we had to go to Charlotte, NC for meetings with the higher ups of the organization, get trained, meet other new councils and have a nice girls' weekend. We were doing a coach training and playing some ice breakers. When it was my turn to say something, I mentioned how the trip to Charlotte for this training was the first time I had left my then baby Keller for more than a few hours (he was about 14 months old at the time). I cried, of course, and Molly cried along with me. It was just a moment I'll never forget because in most situations, that would have been super awkward and I would have been mortified for crying. But in that moment, I was accepted. My feelings were accepted and welcomed. Great, great moment. Over the years, I've met with her a few times and I feel like my life was definitely enhanced by her presence. Granted, she probably doesn't remember me but I remember her.

Glennon reminds me greatly of Molly. Glennon has lived her life, as she puts it, protected by her many superhero capes. You know, the capes we put on to hide ourselves and our true feelings: the "I'm perfect" cape, the "I am fine!" cape, and so on. Just like Molly's Girl Box. You know, the box we're put in throughout our lives. We have to look a certain way, act a certain way, but we can't be too pretty or too smart, among other "can'ts." The Girl Box sucks. Anyway, after the living the majority of her life hiding her true self, her true feelings, and pretending to be someone everyone wanted her to be, Glennon found herself a decade-plus into bulimia, alcohol and drug addition, scared and newly pregnant. She was faced with a choice: continue the downward spiral into oblivion or get better, remove the capes and become a mother. She chose the latter and now, another decade-plus into sobriety, motherhood and marriage, she shares her stories with us. And I relate to her on So Many Levels. From the issues with food and substances (which is why I'm an anal runner and nutrition freak now!), to pretending to be someone others want me to be, I just feel like she speaks to me. What she shares, I feel. To know that it's ok to be who we are as long as we're truthful.

Between Glennon and Molly, both of which I follow on Facebook and Twitter (the links from their names lead to their Facebook pages if you're interested), I get daily, multiple daily, reminders that I am enough, that it's ok, and together, we can do hard things. And while I may seem to be handling things well on the outside, there are times when I'm in the fetal position on the floor wondering how this all happened to me. Trust me. I am. We all are. And it's ok. And I know that the gifts I have are enough. And you are enough. And together we can do hard things. We just have to show up.

People, man or woman, I highly recommend Glennon's book. I highly recommend following Glennon's blog and Molly's blog. They are smart, insightful, hilarious women. Their words will delight you and pull at your heart strings, but it feels good to actually feel.

Carry on, Warriors!

Stand in the Rain

This week has been pretty tough for me. Nothing happened, there wasn't a moment that made it all come crashing down. It was just a bad week.

I don't really have a mechanism for getting through tough times anymore. This experience of losing our child has stripped me of that capability. Yes, I'm surviving and carrying on, but it's not the same as living. I don't really know how to be truly happy anymore, to feel the light inside, to want to see what the day brings.

In the past, I've turned to other people who have gone through heartache to hear their words, to try to understand that through their example, maybe I can get through my trouble too. I've turned to Molly Barker, Founder of Girls on the Run, to read her words and through her find some strength. So, this morning, I turn to her again and I've spent the majority of this morning reading her blog. Molly is truly an amazing person. She has been through so much in her life, and somehow has found the strength and courage to not only pull herself back up onto her feet, but start an amazing organization that helps girls (and women) do the same.

Girls on the Run started back up here 3 weeks ago. I'm lucky enough to be coaching over at Ronald McNair this season. We have an amazing group of 12 girls. They come to each session with excitement in their eyes. And through them, I feel excited. I feel alive when I'm with them. I know that I can be myself and not be afraid of judgment, because we're all in the same boat. We're all just doing our thing.

I don't really know where I'm going with this. I'm just typing words. I guess what I'm saying is that reading Molly's words and being a part of Girls on the Run is a wonderful way to get through tough times. It helps me feel a little stronger. I'm really looking forward to Tuesday morning, when we meet again.

All These Things I've Done (I've got soul but I'm not a soldier)

Girls on the Run International, the parent to Girls on the Run of Montgomery County, sends out a weekly email to its councils with updates and various musings. In each email there is a "Word up" from Molly Barker, who is the founder of the organization. Molly is a great woman and is probably the goofiest person I've ever met. The weekly email arrived in my Inbox about an hour ago and Molly's "Word up" is as goofy as ever. She discusses 'soul laughing,' which is when you are completely present in the moment and absolutely love the moment you're in. You basically smile on the inside and out. Goofy concept, I know, but I completely relate. Anyone that knows me well knows I'm 100% goofball.

Anyway, Molly listed 15 things that give her that soul-laughing feeling. In the spirit of the holidays, I wanted to play along. I don't know if I can think of 15, but I'll try. And I definitely pilfered one from Molly because I feel the same way. Here's my take on soul laughing, in no particular order:

1. Keller's belly laugh. Gets me every time.
2. When we dance to "Birthday" for someone's birthday. Everyone is involved, even Lola the dog.
3. Someone in the car next to me is singing at the top of their lungs, especially when hands are in motion and head movements are included.
4. Anything that Keller says, really. Especially when he tells me I'm his best friend. :)
5. Spending time with my girls. Cheapest, yet most effective, therapy around.
6. Watching the Kona Ironman Championships.
7. Listening to John talk and play with Keller when he doesn't know I'm listening.
8. Watching anyone I've coached cross a finish line. Or hear about a wonderful workout they've had. Really, just seeing anyone I've ever coached have a proud moment in running shoes or not.
9. Spending time with my parents.
10. Watching Keller in school, interacting with his friends and teachers, when he doesn't know I'm there.
11. Seeing people do nice things for others just for the heck of it. Simple things, like holding the elevator or saying "hello."
12. Getting Christmas cards.
13. Getting hugged. I really like hugs.
14. Dancing like a lunatic. And seeing people laugh because of it.
15. Running.

There are my 15.
Speaking of running, I ran for the first time yesterday. I did 2 miles of running and walking and felt really good. I didn't have any pain while I was running and I haven't had an residual pain. Yippy! I'm back, baby!
I hope all of you have a wonderful, JOYOUS holiday! Be safe and merry!