Yesterday was Thanksgiving. It was a good day. We layed around most of the day and then went to friends' house for a great dinner. It was a good thing I brought my stretchiest maternity pants to change into! Most of my maternity pants are already too tight for my expanding belly, so I was very glad I brought the biggest ones I own!
And while I don't need a single day to sit down and reflect on all that I'm thankful for, I wanted to share with the world what really means the most to me. This year we feel more thankful than ever. We are so hopeful that we'll be bringing home two new babies in a few months. I am almost 22 weeks now and things seem to be going really well. The babies are growing and kicking and all the problems we've been having up to this point seem to be under control. I'm not off bed rest but at least I know things are looking good. I know we won't be out of the woods until they're home with us, but we feel really encouraged and happy that things are looking so good.
We are also thankful, of course, for our sweet son, Keller. He fills us with such joy everyday. We had a nice long conversation about how Spiderman, Superman, Batman and others work so hard to keep people safe from the bad guys. Did you know Spiderman lives at the zoo in order to keep people from fighting the animals? I didn't know that and I'll be sure to look for him the next time we're there.
We are extremely thankful for our friends and family who have been such a source of support for us. They've always been there for us, but this past year wouldn't have been possible for us to deal with if we didn't have such a strong support group. And to everyone who has helped us since I've been on bed rest: you're amazing. The dinners, lunches, visits, calls, emails, etc. have just meant so much to us. Just knowing that people are looking out for my family, it makes me cry. And to know these two babies will not only be welcomed into a home full of love for them, there is a whole system of people that have loved them and helped them long before they were born. It really is too much for me to think about without getting emotional about it.
And I am so incredibly thankful for my husband who has taken this whole bed rest thing on with minimal complaints, grumbles and issues. He is handling all of it and he is just taking it in stride. I am so grateful for him and Keller taking care of me, I can't even put it into words. It's such a long road ahead of us that it's overwhelming for me, but John just does it. I don't know what I would do without him.
I hope everyone had a wonderful Thanksgiving. Enjoy the time with your friends and family.
Friday, November 26, 2010
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
Do You Want To Know A Secret?
I've been keeping a secret for many weeks now. But I think I finally have the courage to tell. John and I are pregnant. I'm over 20 weeks along now and I guess it's time to spill the beans.
Obviously, people in my in-person world know since I've been showing for a long time. But I have been reluctant to write anything about it because of everything we went through last year and what we've been through up to this point. It's been a tough road already. But I can't live my life waiting for something to happen and I deserve some happiness. I am hoping and praying that everything will be all right and I feel ready to talk about it.
We found out we were pregnant the day before the year anniversary of losing our baby. It was surreal. I had been taking tests all week and they were all negative. I wasn't going to take another one but since I had it, I might as well take it. It was faintly positive, which meant I needed to go buy 8 more tests. Which I took half when I got home (all positive) and half the next day (all positive). This was all on a Friday, so I didn't go to the doctor for a blood test until Monday. We had a nice family weekend and I went into the doctor's office first thing on Monday to have blood drawn.
The results came back in a couple of days and my hormone levels were high, which was a good sign. Then that Saturday we left for the beach. The vacation was fun, and I had a sonogram set up for the Tuesday after we got back. My doctor wanted to start monitoring me regularly because of my history.
Well, that Tuesday came and I had the sonogram. We saw the heartbeat and I was crying and it was wonderful. Then the technician saw something strange and was poking around. That something strange turned out to be another heartbeat...another baby. We're having twins. I was floored and in all honesty, here I am 3 months later and I still don't believe it half the time.
I was alone at the appointment since John had a meeting. But I drove right over to his office to tell him. He met me in the parking lot and here is a summary of our conversation:
I show him the sonogram pictures.
Me: Do you notice anything different than what we're used to seeing?
Him: No, should I?
Me: Keep looking.
Him: I don't see anything.
Me: John, we're having twins.
Him: You're shitting me.
And that pretty much sums it up. After a lot of exhaling and tears, we hugged and he had to get back to work. I called my parents and told them. They were shocked of course. In fact, I could hear my dad interjecting a "Holy shit" every now and then.
Needless to say, the past 20 weeks have been exciting, overwhelming, terrifying and worrisome. I had my cerclage surgery back in September and thankfully that all went well. I have a mack daddy cerclage. It's a permanent cerclage (most people get a temporary one that is removed before delivery). This is a crazy stitch that doesn't get removed (I have to have a c-section). The surgery was an insane 2-hour procedure and even though I was numb I was awake the entire time. I will not get into the actual experience of the surgery as it was quite awful. Thankfully the anesthesiologist talked to me the entire time or I would have been crying throughout the surgery. Recovery was tough on me and it was very painful. But my wonderful doctor is confident it was successful and after almost 2 months, it looks great. But we've still had our share of scary moments, including a trip to the emergency room a few weeks ago.
I won't get into tremendous detail, but I was having very similar symptoms to what I had when we lost the baby last year. Thankfully, all is all right and the babies are perfectly fine. I have what is called a subchorionic hemorrhage. It's common and I've had a couple throughout the pregnancy. But this one was dangerously close to one of the placentas and it was causing a lot of bleeding and cramping. So....I've been on bed rest since then (I'm in my 4th week of bed rest now). And thankfully it's working because it seems as though the bleed is either too small to see or it's gone. YAY!
So, I am still terrified that something will happen to prevent me from bringing home my babies. But I don't know if that will go away until I actually bring them home. All I can do is think positively, continue to pray and take care of myself. And that's what I'm doing. I feel like all of this has to be meant to be. To find out we're pregnant the day before the anniversary? And then to find out it's two? It's all too much to be a coincidence. I have to believe it's happening this time and everything we went through is behind us.
Obviously, people in my in-person world know since I've been showing for a long time. But I have been reluctant to write anything about it because of everything we went through last year and what we've been through up to this point. It's been a tough road already. But I can't live my life waiting for something to happen and I deserve some happiness. I am hoping and praying that everything will be all right and I feel ready to talk about it.
We found out we were pregnant the day before the year anniversary of losing our baby. It was surreal. I had been taking tests all week and they were all negative. I wasn't going to take another one but since I had it, I might as well take it. It was faintly positive, which meant I needed to go buy 8 more tests. Which I took half when I got home (all positive) and half the next day (all positive). This was all on a Friday, so I didn't go to the doctor for a blood test until Monday. We had a nice family weekend and I went into the doctor's office first thing on Monday to have blood drawn.
The results came back in a couple of days and my hormone levels were high, which was a good sign. Then that Saturday we left for the beach. The vacation was fun, and I had a sonogram set up for the Tuesday after we got back. My doctor wanted to start monitoring me regularly because of my history.
Well, that Tuesday came and I had the sonogram. We saw the heartbeat and I was crying and it was wonderful. Then the technician saw something strange and was poking around. That something strange turned out to be another heartbeat...another baby. We're having twins. I was floored and in all honesty, here I am 3 months later and I still don't believe it half the time.
I was alone at the appointment since John had a meeting. But I drove right over to his office to tell him. He met me in the parking lot and here is a summary of our conversation:
I show him the sonogram pictures.
Me: Do you notice anything different than what we're used to seeing?
Him: No, should I?
Me: Keep looking.
Him: I don't see anything.
Me: John, we're having twins.
Him: You're shitting me.
And that pretty much sums it up. After a lot of exhaling and tears, we hugged and he had to get back to work. I called my parents and told them. They were shocked of course. In fact, I could hear my dad interjecting a "Holy shit" every now and then.
Needless to say, the past 20 weeks have been exciting, overwhelming, terrifying and worrisome. I had my cerclage surgery back in September and thankfully that all went well. I have a mack daddy cerclage. It's a permanent cerclage (most people get a temporary one that is removed before delivery). This is a crazy stitch that doesn't get removed (I have to have a c-section). The surgery was an insane 2-hour procedure and even though I was numb I was awake the entire time. I will not get into the actual experience of the surgery as it was quite awful. Thankfully the anesthesiologist talked to me the entire time or I would have been crying throughout the surgery. Recovery was tough on me and it was very painful. But my wonderful doctor is confident it was successful and after almost 2 months, it looks great. But we've still had our share of scary moments, including a trip to the emergency room a few weeks ago.
I won't get into tremendous detail, but I was having very similar symptoms to what I had when we lost the baby last year. Thankfully, all is all right and the babies are perfectly fine. I have what is called a subchorionic hemorrhage. It's common and I've had a couple throughout the pregnancy. But this one was dangerously close to one of the placentas and it was causing a lot of bleeding and cramping. So....I've been on bed rest since then (I'm in my 4th week of bed rest now). And thankfully it's working because it seems as though the bleed is either too small to see or it's gone. YAY!
So, I am still terrified that something will happen to prevent me from bringing home my babies. But I don't know if that will go away until I actually bring them home. All I can do is think positively, continue to pray and take care of myself. And that's what I'm doing. I feel like all of this has to be meant to be. To find out we're pregnant the day before the anniversary? And then to find out it's two? It's all too much to be a coincidence. I have to believe it's happening this time and everything we went through is behind us.
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
Til There Was You
Today we celebrate our 9th wedding anniversary.
In total, John and I have been together for 11 years. For those of you who don't know, we used to work together, back when I did laboratory research. I will never forget the shameless flirting, the secret glances, etc. Everyone that worked there was young and fun. There were happy hours, parties, etc., at least once a week. That's pretty much how things got started for me and John: at a drunken New Year's party. While it doesn't sound romantic, it was. We shared a New Year's kiss. John said, "You know, this changes everything." And it did. We tried to keep things light and all that, but it was all for naught. We were inseparable and the rest is history.
I was thinking about our time together and I can honestly say the bond between us is stronger now than it was back then. And that bond has gotten its strongest because of everything we have been through in the past year. The one good thing that has come from all the pain is that we are unbreakable and we can get through anything as long as we're together.
Amor vicit omnis. It's Latin for 'love conquers all." That's what is inscribed on our wedding bands. We had already been through a lot by the time we got married and now, 9 years later, we are stronger and happier than ever. And while I don't know where our path will lead us, I do know I will be there with my best friend, my partner, and my love.
In total, John and I have been together for 11 years. For those of you who don't know, we used to work together, back when I did laboratory research. I will never forget the shameless flirting, the secret glances, etc. Everyone that worked there was young and fun. There were happy hours, parties, etc., at least once a week. That's pretty much how things got started for me and John: at a drunken New Year's party. While it doesn't sound romantic, it was. We shared a New Year's kiss. John said, "You know, this changes everything." And it did. We tried to keep things light and all that, but it was all for naught. We were inseparable and the rest is history.
I was thinking about our time together and I can honestly say the bond between us is stronger now than it was back then. And that bond has gotten its strongest because of everything we have been through in the past year. The one good thing that has come from all the pain is that we are unbreakable and we can get through anything as long as we're together.
Amor vicit omnis. It's Latin for 'love conquers all." That's what is inscribed on our wedding bands. We had already been through a lot by the time we got married and now, 9 years later, we are stronger and happier than ever. And while I don't know where our path will lead us, I do know I will be there with my best friend, my partner, and my love.
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
Everyday
I can't believe I used to blog everyday. I used to write a lot about nothing. Maybe that's why no one reads this ;)
Things here have been good. The year anniversary came and we had a nice, family day. We took a ride out to Lake Linganore and drove around there for a while. We had never really been out that way. It felt like we were hours away from the craziness of where we live, but it was really only about 45 minutes north of here. On the way home, we picked up a hydrangea bush to plant in the memory of our lost baby. I wanted to plant something that would bloom at this time of year and hydrangea seemed to really feel right. I had a lot of hydrangea in our wedding flowers and in my bouquet and I love the color. It made me feel a little better to plant that and look at it each day since.
A week after the anniversary we headed out of town for a much-needed vacation. We went to Duck, NC with 5 other families. We rented a house with a million rooms and there were about 20 of us there. We were a little apprehensive about how it would go with all those people in one place. But we had an absolute blast. Everyone got along, all the kids and all the adults! We weren't in each other's pocket the entire time as everyone kind of did their own thing throughout the day and we all congregated at lunch and dinner time. It was a really great time. We were all a little depressed when we left. Keller was silent for at least the first hour of the drive home.
August flew by in a blur and before we knew it, it was time for Keller to start kindergarten. He is still at the same school (Goddard School) and not in public school kindergarten. Montgomery County has a cut off that kids need to be 5 by September 1st. You can test the kids early if their birthday falls between then and October 31st, I think. We decided not to test Keller. While academically, he'd be fine, we didn't feel he was really mature enough and ready for school. Everyone we spoke to said that giving him that extra year would be better for him in so many ways. So we did. And it just so happens that Goddard has an accredited kindergarten program so he'll receive everything and more of kindergarten this year. Then next year, if we feel he's ready, we can start him in 1st grade. Or he'll do kindergarten again. Whatever works for him.
I had a hard time dealing with him starting kindergarten. He is such a big boy now. He's his own person and does his own thing. I cannot believe my baby is turning 5 in a week. Time really does fly by and no matter what you do, it keeps on ticking. I've really tried to enjoy life more and really be present in the moment. So much this past year I wasn't present, I was phoning it in and just couldn't deal with things. But I finally feel present in my own life again. I can only thank Keller and John for that since they're the reason I need to be present. I don't have forever with them and I need to get my time in with them while I can. Wow, this post certainly became much more serious than I intended.
Anyway, thanks to those that still read this blog. I'll try to post more often!
Things here have been good. The year anniversary came and we had a nice, family day. We took a ride out to Lake Linganore and drove around there for a while. We had never really been out that way. It felt like we were hours away from the craziness of where we live, but it was really only about 45 minutes north of here. On the way home, we picked up a hydrangea bush to plant in the memory of our lost baby. I wanted to plant something that would bloom at this time of year and hydrangea seemed to really feel right. I had a lot of hydrangea in our wedding flowers and in my bouquet and I love the color. It made me feel a little better to plant that and look at it each day since.
A week after the anniversary we headed out of town for a much-needed vacation. We went to Duck, NC with 5 other families. We rented a house with a million rooms and there were about 20 of us there. We were a little apprehensive about how it would go with all those people in one place. But we had an absolute blast. Everyone got along, all the kids and all the adults! We weren't in each other's pocket the entire time as everyone kind of did their own thing throughout the day and we all congregated at lunch and dinner time. It was a really great time. We were all a little depressed when we left. Keller was silent for at least the first hour of the drive home.
August flew by in a blur and before we knew it, it was time for Keller to start kindergarten. He is still at the same school (Goddard School) and not in public school kindergarten. Montgomery County has a cut off that kids need to be 5 by September 1st. You can test the kids early if their birthday falls between then and October 31st, I think. We decided not to test Keller. While academically, he'd be fine, we didn't feel he was really mature enough and ready for school. Everyone we spoke to said that giving him that extra year would be better for him in so many ways. So we did. And it just so happens that Goddard has an accredited kindergarten program so he'll receive everything and more of kindergarten this year. Then next year, if we feel he's ready, we can start him in 1st grade. Or he'll do kindergarten again. Whatever works for him.
I had a hard time dealing with him starting kindergarten. He is such a big boy now. He's his own person and does his own thing. I cannot believe my baby is turning 5 in a week. Time really does fly by and no matter what you do, it keeps on ticking. I've really tried to enjoy life more and really be present in the moment. So much this past year I wasn't present, I was phoning it in and just couldn't deal with things. But I finally feel present in my own life again. I can only thank Keller and John for that since they're the reason I need to be present. I don't have forever with them and I need to get my time in with them while I can. Wow, this post certainly became much more serious than I intended.
Anyway, thanks to those that still read this blog. I'll try to post more often!
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
I Try
Ok, so that last post was pretty positive. Maybe I should just leave it at that. But as the anniversary date draws near, I'm finding it more and more difficult to be strong and upbeat.
I cannot believe it's been almost a year. I thought things would be so different at this time. Well, last year I thought we would be welcoming a baby. And then once I finally accepted that wouldn't happen, I thought this time would at least hold something else, something to look forward to. But it doesn't. I feel like I'm in the same place I was after we lost the baby: hopeless and left behind.
It's really hard to see how much has changed for so many people in this past year. New babies, new homes, new jobs, etc. And here I am in the same place I was. Sure, maybe I'm not in as desolate a place. But I don't feel like my life has moved forward at all. I've changed jobs within this past year, and that has been a great change and something that has really helped me move forward. But as far as my personal life...ugh.
It's really hard to be in a personal funk. So much of my job is being positive and motivating other people. If people only knew how hard it is for me to do that while I feel the way that I do. I feel like I live a double life and I'm so exhausted by the end of the day, it's crazy. Sometimes working with other people is helpful. I get inspired by them and it makes it that much easier to get through my day. But at this time, it's not really that helpful. I just want to crawl in a hole and stay there. I would love to just sleep for days.
I don't understand why people don't talk more about these things. I can somewhat understand why people don't want to talk about miscarriage. Well, maybe not. It's a loss just like any other, maybe worse in some ways, and it should be treated with the same respect and consideration as anyone else dealing with loss. But it isn't. I have to put on a brave face and act like nothing happened to me. I have to act like there isn't someone missing from my family. It's so not fair. I just wish people would acknowledge what we are going through. It would make this anniversary a lot less painful if I could actually talk about it.
Sigh.
I cannot believe it's been almost a year. I thought things would be so different at this time. Well, last year I thought we would be welcoming a baby. And then once I finally accepted that wouldn't happen, I thought this time would at least hold something else, something to look forward to. But it doesn't. I feel like I'm in the same place I was after we lost the baby: hopeless and left behind.
It's really hard to see how much has changed for so many people in this past year. New babies, new homes, new jobs, etc. And here I am in the same place I was. Sure, maybe I'm not in as desolate a place. But I don't feel like my life has moved forward at all. I've changed jobs within this past year, and that has been a great change and something that has really helped me move forward. But as far as my personal life...ugh.
It's really hard to be in a personal funk. So much of my job is being positive and motivating other people. If people only knew how hard it is for me to do that while I feel the way that I do. I feel like I live a double life and I'm so exhausted by the end of the day, it's crazy. Sometimes working with other people is helpful. I get inspired by them and it makes it that much easier to get through my day. But at this time, it's not really that helpful. I just want to crawl in a hole and stay there. I would love to just sleep for days.
I don't understand why people don't talk more about these things. I can somewhat understand why people don't want to talk about miscarriage. Well, maybe not. It's a loss just like any other, maybe worse in some ways, and it should be treated with the same respect and consideration as anyone else dealing with loss. But it isn't. I have to put on a brave face and act like nothing happened to me. I have to act like there isn't someone missing from my family. It's so not fair. I just wish people would acknowledge what we are going through. It would make this anniversary a lot less painful if I could actually talk about it.
Sigh.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
