So yesterday was Thanksgiving. Somehow it was actually possible to be sad and happy at the same time.
I was happy to be spending the day with my wonderful son and husband and very great friends (who are pretty much family). I had a great run in the morning, cooked all afternoon and then ate all night. Not too bad.
I was sad because even with all the love and laughter, I couldn't shake the sadness at what we've lost. I just thought things were going to be so different at this time of year. But life happens when you're making other plans.
I guess there really isn't much else to say. That pretty much sums things up. I'm just trying to keep my head above water and not let the sadness take over. Some days are better than others but for the most part I'm doing all right.
Hope everyone had a great T-giving. Enjoy your leftovers :)
P.S. Today is our dog Lola's birthday. Happy birthday, girl! Hard to believe she's 8 already.
Friday, November 27, 2009
Monday, November 16, 2009
Give Peace A Chance
We went up to NY a couple of weekends ago. We hadn't been up there since before we got pregnant, which was a lifetime ago. I was nervous about the trip. I wasn't in a good place and was afraid of the feelings that would be stirred up by going there. But this is the time of firsts (first time for things since we lost the baby). And this was the first trip to my parents' since then.
Well, I had a horrendous breakdown while we were there. John and I went for a run on a trail close to my parents' house. It's really nice and soft, we really enjoy running there. I was looking forward to it. If I haven't mentioned it before, running has been pretty emotional for me since I started back, for a number of reasons. But I had been all right for a while, running was becoming my thing again. But for some reason, I lost it out on that trail.
I really had a breakdown. I was hyperventilating and everything. I just wanted to lay on the trail and stay there forever. I was imagining myself staying there as it got dark and I just wanted to sit there in the dark. John, of course, wasn't about to leave me there and somehow I made it back to the car. I was able to get myself together and we were able to actually enjoy the rest of the weekend.
The strangest thing is that I somehow feel more at peace after that breakdown. I left a huge piece of my hurt out on that trail. I'm not saying I'm 100% and all is great, but I feel more at peace with my life and how things are for us now. Don't get me wrong, I still get upset and have my moments. I had a panic attack in Ikea yesterday. Sometimes it feels like the entire world is pregnant and I was surrounded by about 20 of them in Ikea yesterday. I thought I was going to explode.
But I made it through. I guess that's the thing. I feel like I'm making it through. I can laugh a little deeper now, smile a little longer. My crying spells don't last as long. I hope it continues. I'm really nervous about how things will be as we approach the holidays and my due date. All I can do is honor how I feel and go with it.
But I'm thankful for my friends and family for being there for me. Without you I wouldn't be able to start making peace with this. I love you.
Well, I had a horrendous breakdown while we were there. John and I went for a run on a trail close to my parents' house. It's really nice and soft, we really enjoy running there. I was looking forward to it. If I haven't mentioned it before, running has been pretty emotional for me since I started back, for a number of reasons. But I had been all right for a while, running was becoming my thing again. But for some reason, I lost it out on that trail.
I really had a breakdown. I was hyperventilating and everything. I just wanted to lay on the trail and stay there forever. I was imagining myself staying there as it got dark and I just wanted to sit there in the dark. John, of course, wasn't about to leave me there and somehow I made it back to the car. I was able to get myself together and we were able to actually enjoy the rest of the weekend.
The strangest thing is that I somehow feel more at peace after that breakdown. I left a huge piece of my hurt out on that trail. I'm not saying I'm 100% and all is great, but I feel more at peace with my life and how things are for us now. Don't get me wrong, I still get upset and have my moments. I had a panic attack in Ikea yesterday. Sometimes it feels like the entire world is pregnant and I was surrounded by about 20 of them in Ikea yesterday. I thought I was going to explode.
But I made it through. I guess that's the thing. I feel like I'm making it through. I can laugh a little deeper now, smile a little longer. My crying spells don't last as long. I hope it continues. I'm really nervous about how things will be as we approach the holidays and my due date. All I can do is honor how I feel and go with it.
But I'm thankful for my friends and family for being there for me. Without you I wouldn't be able to start making peace with this. I love you.
Friday, October 30, 2009
Don't Talk to Strangers
Today Keller's school had their Halloween parade. The kids dress up and then have a parade around the school. It's fun and sweet and everyone has a great time.
I was standing with some parents of kids in Keller's class. We were just talking about random stuff and all of a sudden I found myself telling the mom of one of Keller's friends my life story. The terrible pregnancy with Keller, the miscarriage, the turmoil we've been in. I hardly know this person. And I'm spilling my guts. She didn't mind, she made it very easy for me to just open up.
Why is that we can spill our guts to complete strangers? But yet we have trouble talking to the people we're closest to. I don't get it. I have to say how cathartic it was to talk to her this morning. I don't talk about what's been going on much anymore because it feels like everything thinks we should be over it. So it felt relieving to get some of it off my chest.
Things have been all right this past week. Last week was awful. But this week was all right. I have been really busy with work and home, so I guess the distraction has been good. There have been less days where I feel like I'm teetering on the edge.
Anyway, the next time you're feeling like you need to talk and get something off your chest, talk to someone who doesn't know you. There's no judgment, there's no history, there's nothing. It will make you feel better :)
I was standing with some parents of kids in Keller's class. We were just talking about random stuff and all of a sudden I found myself telling the mom of one of Keller's friends my life story. The terrible pregnancy with Keller, the miscarriage, the turmoil we've been in. I hardly know this person. And I'm spilling my guts. She didn't mind, she made it very easy for me to just open up.
Why is that we can spill our guts to complete strangers? But yet we have trouble talking to the people we're closest to. I don't get it. I have to say how cathartic it was to talk to her this morning. I don't talk about what's been going on much anymore because it feels like everything thinks we should be over it. So it felt relieving to get some of it off my chest.
Things have been all right this past week. Last week was awful. But this week was all right. I have been really busy with work and home, so I guess the distraction has been good. There have been less days where I feel like I'm teetering on the edge.
Anyway, the next time you're feeling like you need to talk and get something off your chest, talk to someone who doesn't know you. There's no judgment, there's no history, there's nothing. It will make you feel better :)
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
Nobody Knows
Sometimes it feels like we're living a double life. I guess we are, in a way. There's the life in front of other people and the life behind closed doors. We can be relatively normal in our everyday lives. We can do our jobs, have meaningful (or meaningless) conversations, etc. But we also go home and cry.
This Saturday marks the 3-month mark since we lost the baby. The thought of that makes me sick. On one hand, I feel like I should be better because it's been 3 months. And I guess we're better in the larger, abstract sense of the word. I don't cry every day anymore. But the feelings are just as intense. So, on the other hand, it's only been 3 months. Three months really isn't that long in the grand scheme of things. Three months is enough time to get to the point where I'm not crying everyday.
Sometimes being a sensitive person is really a character flaw. I have always had too-intense feelings. I take things to heart way too often. Sometimes it's great because I can feel intense joy and happiness, but I can also feel intense sadness. And I've never felt such sadness as I have these past 3 months. In the other times in my life where I've experienced loss, it's been sad. But nothing like this. Nothing.
So now it's time to bring myself back to life. Somehow. I have been underwater for the last 3 months and I have to get to the surface somehow. I am trying to get back to the things that have made me happy in the past. I have some races lined up that hopefully will spark my love of running again. It's hard to love anything when you feel dark inside. Hopefully training for something will shine a light. I'll take a flicker at this point.
I'm pretty scared of how the next few months will be. We were supposed to be welcoming a baby in those months and now that that isn't happening, I'm afraid of the sadness taking over. I'm trying to head it off by scheduling races to train for. Give myself something else to focus on. It works on some days and it doesn't on other days.
All we can do is our best. We can get out of bed in the morning and see what happens.
This Saturday marks the 3-month mark since we lost the baby. The thought of that makes me sick. On one hand, I feel like I should be better because it's been 3 months. And I guess we're better in the larger, abstract sense of the word. I don't cry every day anymore. But the feelings are just as intense. So, on the other hand, it's only been 3 months. Three months really isn't that long in the grand scheme of things. Three months is enough time to get to the point where I'm not crying everyday.
Sometimes being a sensitive person is really a character flaw. I have always had too-intense feelings. I take things to heart way too often. Sometimes it's great because I can feel intense joy and happiness, but I can also feel intense sadness. And I've never felt such sadness as I have these past 3 months. In the other times in my life where I've experienced loss, it's been sad. But nothing like this. Nothing.
So now it's time to bring myself back to life. Somehow. I have been underwater for the last 3 months and I have to get to the surface somehow. I am trying to get back to the things that have made me happy in the past. I have some races lined up that hopefully will spark my love of running again. It's hard to love anything when you feel dark inside. Hopefully training for something will shine a light. I'll take a flicker at this point.
I'm pretty scared of how the next few months will be. We were supposed to be welcoming a baby in those months and now that that isn't happening, I'm afraid of the sadness taking over. I'm trying to head it off by scheduling races to train for. Give myself something else to focus on. It works on some days and it doesn't on other days.
All we can do is our best. We can get out of bed in the morning and see what happens.
Monday, October 5, 2009
Sun's Gonna Rise
Wow. I'm really touched at all the emails I've received from people reading my blog and connecting to our story in some way. Thank you for reaching out and thank you for being there.
This past weekend was pretty ugly. For a couple of weeks now I've been all right. I've been able to manage, even be social and not freak out. I've been able to be around my pregnant friends, my newborn-having-mom friends, whomever.
But I think I was trying too hard to be "normal" and prove to myself that I can handle things as they were before we lost the baby. Well, things are not like they were before we lost the baby and I am not like I was before I lost the baby. I was a fool to think I was normal and things were all right.
And, well, needless to say, this weekend was not an emotionally sound weekend for me. Saturday was manageable, but Sunday did not fair as well. I was cleaning up the kitchen and was going through a pile of papers. I save just about every receipt I ever receive for some reason. And I came across a receipt for all the pregnancy tests I bought when I first found out I was pregnant with the second baby. When I found out I was pregnant that Monday morning in April, I was in shock. Seriously, I really didn't believe it. So that day I went to CVS at lunch and bought 5 pregnancy tests to hold me over until I got the confirmation from the doctor. The pharmacist laughed at me and I felt like a dork, but it didn't matter. I practically ran back to work and took another test in the bathroom. And that one and the four others I bought were all positive.
And here we are.
Anyway, I just want to thank all of you who have reached out to me. It definitely means a lot. And while the sun continues to rise, and I am "carrying on" and getting through the days, I still need help and support from you. Keep those shoulders handy because I'll need to lean on them soon.
This past weekend was pretty ugly. For a couple of weeks now I've been all right. I've been able to manage, even be social and not freak out. I've been able to be around my pregnant friends, my newborn-having-mom friends, whomever.
But I think I was trying too hard to be "normal" and prove to myself that I can handle things as they were before we lost the baby. Well, things are not like they were before we lost the baby and I am not like I was before I lost the baby. I was a fool to think I was normal and things were all right.
And, well, needless to say, this weekend was not an emotionally sound weekend for me. Saturday was manageable, but Sunday did not fair as well. I was cleaning up the kitchen and was going through a pile of papers. I save just about every receipt I ever receive for some reason. And I came across a receipt for all the pregnancy tests I bought when I first found out I was pregnant with the second baby. When I found out I was pregnant that Monday morning in April, I was in shock. Seriously, I really didn't believe it. So that day I went to CVS at lunch and bought 5 pregnancy tests to hold me over until I got the confirmation from the doctor. The pharmacist laughed at me and I felt like a dork, but it didn't matter. I practically ran back to work and took another test in the bathroom. And that one and the four others I bought were all positive.
And here we are.
Anyway, I just want to thank all of you who have reached out to me. It definitely means a lot. And while the sun continues to rise, and I am "carrying on" and getting through the days, I still need help and support from you. Keep those shoulders handy because I'll need to lean on them soon.
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