Let's Get It Started

Another year over, and a new one's just begun....

When I look back on 2010, it was nothing short of an emotional roller coaster ride. There were so many emotional highs and lows, I don't even know where to begin with my retrospect.

We started the year in what could only be described as an emotional downward spiral. January 5th was the expected due date of the baby we lost and it was so hard to come up on that date. Many of my friends were having their babies at that time and it was just awful for us. Words cannot express just how awful it was. So we just secluded ourselves, had a lot of family time and did the best we could to get through.

One way that really helped me deal was running. I know I have bestowed the virtues of running time and time again, but I really don't think I would have gotten through the grief if it weren't for my immediate family, a few friends and running. It was an escape for me and time for me to feel physically strong when I wasn't strong emotionally. And even though we were under 800 feet of snow for the winter, it was something I never gave up. It was my salvation.

March marked my first 50K. It was such a triumphant event for me. Not only did it tax me phyically and mentally, but I felt like I finally broke free of the web of grief I had been in for so long. Yes, I still cried after that. Many times. But I felt like I was beginning to really conquer the demons and move on with my life. It really was a great day. I wrote about it on my running blog and won't go into tremendous details here.

I did a number of races after that one, another marathon, a few half marathons, a 200-mile relay. It was a busy spring. Coaching Girls on the Run and my beginners through Fleet Feet definitely helped me feel like myself again.

May marked John's 40th birthday. I think he handled it pretty well, considering a month later he shattered his time in the Olympic distance triathlon at the DC Triathlon. He killed it. We actually missed seeing him during the race because I misjudged where he would be. Oh well, Keller and I had a good time. We also aknowledged his birthday with a rocking 70s birthday party (because John is a product of the 70s). Getting dressed up in tacky 70s garb, eating fondue and dancing to the tunes of the decade was definitely fun.

In June we celebrated Keller's graduation from pre-K. It was such a great ceremony and of course I cried. Really, is that a surprise? It was so cute as all the little ones sang and celebrated themselves as they got their little diplomas. And it reminded me of just how quickly time is going by.

As we approached the anniversary of the loss of our baby, emotions were definitely running high. July was a tough month. And I kind of see 2010 as two different years: one that began in January and ended on July 22nd and the other beginning July 23rd. The anniversary was July 24th and it was the 23rd that we found out that we were pregnant. It was such a bittersweet time and I kind of have a hard time thinking about 2010 before that day. We feel so incredibly lucky to have gotten pregnant again and we hope and pray every minute that this will work out.

The months since finding out we were pregnant, and then pregnant with twins seem like a blur. There was our vacation in the Outer Banks, Keller starting kindergarten, his 5th birthday, my surgery. Really, up to that point, we had had so many issues with the pregnancy, it was hard to believe everything would be all right. They continued and then I went on bed rest. I spent the last 10 weeks of 2010 on bed rest. UGH! But things seem to be going well with the babies. My issues are under control and now we're just hoping the next 10-13 weeks go by without a problem. And we can bring our little babies home.

As I close the door to 2010, I just want to thank everyone that helped us get to this point. For me, I will be eternally grateful to those of you who stuck by me, let me cry on your shoulder, and didn't expect me to act like there was nothing going on. And now it's time to look forward to the future. I'm open to all the wonderful things that will happen for us.

Happy New Year!

Santa Claus is Coming to Town

Last weekend we went to see Santa Claus. How does one go see Santa when they are on bed rest? Well, we needed to get creative.

When we got to the mall, John dropped me off and I sat on a bench at the front while he and Keller parked the car. When they came in, Keller stayed with me on the bench and John went to get me a wheelchair. Yes, a wheelchair. I felt bad getting a wheelchair because I'm not actually disabled. But I'm not allowed to walk around or even sit upright for very long. Plus the mall wasn't busy as we got there when they first opened and I didn't think there was going to be a mad rush on wheelchairs.

Besides, I've already missed Keller's Halloween parade at school, trick or treating, and his Thanksgiving feast at school, among the regular everyday things I can't do with him. I couldn't miss Santa. This bed rest thing has me missing out on a lot and I couldn't miss yet another thing.

Thankfully we didn't have to wait too long for Santa. I was parked over on the side watching everyone. It was kind of amusing. Then Keller gets to Santa and tells him he wants a race car. Since when? He tells us Transformers and Bakugans and whatever else and he tells Santa a race car? It reminded me of the scene in The Christmas Story where Ralphie, who wants a Red Rider Bee Bee Gun gets nervous when he sees Santa and tells him he wants a football. Thankfully this Santa wasn't as creepy.

After Santa we went to lunch. All in all, it was a great day. It felt good to be out in the world and I was so happy to have been there to see Santa with Keller. Even if I did feel like an ass sitting in a wheelchair.

And to top it all off, this morning Keller said he hoped Santa leaves something for his babies. He wants them to have something to open when they come home. It was too sweet. And I cried.

Merry Christmas!

Are You Ready For Some Football?

Most people that know me know that I am not a football fan, so this post's title is probably a bit confusing. Well, we watched The Blind Side over the weekend and I'm now a little obsessed. If you haven't watched this movie, you really should. I don't often write about movies but this one deserves a mention.

It's the true story of Michael Oher and it's such a great feel-good story. I won't get into tremendous detail, but he is the son of a crack-addict mom and a dad who spends most of Michael's life in prison. He's taken away from his mom and goes from foster home to foster home for much of his teen years. While he's staying with a friend, his friend's dad actually manages to get him enrolled in a private Christian high school (the dad was trying to enroll his own son and managed to persuade the football coach to work to enroll Michael as well).


One day Michael meets little SJ at school and ultimately meets his mom, Leigh Anne Tuohy. Well, this woman is a dynamo. She and the Tuohy family take Michael in and help him find his way. They're the only people he feels comfortable with and trusts and through that trust he's able to believe in himself. They're the only people that take Michael seriously and see what a wonderful boy he is.

So much happens for Michael and the Tuohy family in such a short time. He is able to raise his grades (through teachers actually taking time to teach him in a way he understands and well as with the help of a tutor the Tuohy's hire), play football and ultimately graduate from high school. He earns a scholarship to several colleges and decides on Ole Miss. The movie ends with him being drafted by the Baltimore Ravens.

I left a lot out, so you're just going to see it now. It's such a good story. I wish there were more people like Michael and the Tuohys in the world. If people could just see past what's on the surface and actually get to know someone, really know them, lives could change. Perhaps it's the pregnancy hormones fueling this fire here, but chances are I'd be obsessing about this even without the hormones. There's a part in the movie where they read The Story of Ferdinand and it's one of my all-time favorite children's books. See, Ferdinand is a bull in Spain; he has a peaceful soul and does not want to fight like his other bull friends. He wants to sit under a cork tree as he smells the nearby flowers. Michael is Ferdinand the Bull. You should read that book too :)

I was so moved I actually watched the Baltimore Ravens game yesterday. And within minutes of me turning it on, Michael Oher gets hurt (sprained knee) and is out for the rest of the game. I'm such a good luck charm. This is why I don't watch football ;)

Watch the movie! If you aren't moved, you have a heart of stone.

I Thank You

Yesterday was Thanksgiving. It was a good day. We layed around most of the day and then went to friends' house for a great dinner. It was a good thing I brought my stretchiest maternity pants to change into! Most of my maternity pants are already too tight for my expanding belly, so I was very glad I brought the biggest ones I own!

And while I don't need a single day to sit down and reflect on all that I'm thankful for, I wanted to share with the world what really means the most to me. This year we feel more thankful than ever. We are so hopeful that we'll be bringing home two new babies in a few months. I am almost 22 weeks now and things seem to be going really well. The babies are growing and kicking and all the problems we've been having up to this point seem to be under control. I'm not off bed rest but at least I know things are looking good. I know we won't be out of the woods until they're home with us, but we feel really encouraged and happy that things are looking so good.

We are also thankful, of course, for our sweet son, Keller. He fills us with such joy everyday. We had a nice long conversation about how Spiderman, Superman, Batman and others work so hard to keep people safe from the bad guys. Did you know Spiderman lives at the zoo in order to keep people from fighting the animals? I didn't know that and I'll be sure to look for him the next time we're there.

We are extremely thankful for our friends and family who have been such a source of support for us. They've always been there for us, but this past year wouldn't have been possible for us to deal with if we didn't have such a strong support group. And to everyone who has helped us since I've been on bed rest: you're amazing. The dinners, lunches, visits, calls, emails, etc. have just meant so much to us. Just knowing that people are looking out for my family, it makes me cry. And to know these two babies will not only be welcomed into a home full of love for them, there is a whole system of people that have loved them and helped them long before they were born. It really is too much for me to think about without getting emotional about it.

And I am so incredibly thankful for my husband who has taken this whole bed rest thing on with minimal complaints, grumbles and issues. He is handling all of it and he is just taking it in stride. I am so grateful for him and Keller taking care of me, I can't even put it into words. It's such a long road ahead of us that it's overwhelming for me, but John just does it. I don't know what I would do without him.

I hope everyone had a wonderful Thanksgiving. Enjoy the time with your friends and family.

Do You Want To Know A Secret?

I've been keeping a secret for many weeks now. But I think I finally have the courage to tell. John and I are pregnant. I'm over 20 weeks along now and I guess it's time to spill the beans.

Obviously, people in my in-person world know since I've been showing for a long time. But I have been reluctant to write anything about it because of everything we went through last year and what we've been through up to this point. It's been a tough road already. But I can't live my life waiting for something to happen and I deserve some happiness. I am hoping and praying that everything will be all right and I feel ready to talk about it.

We found out we were pregnant the day before the year anniversary of losing our baby. It was surreal. I had been taking tests all week and they were all negative. I wasn't going to take another one but since I had it, I might as well take it. It was faintly positive, which meant I needed to go buy 8 more tests. Which I took half when I got home (all positive) and half the next day (all positive). This was all on a Friday, so I didn't go to the doctor for a blood test until Monday. We had a nice family weekend and I went into the doctor's office first thing on Monday to have blood drawn.

The results came back in a couple of days and my hormone levels were high, which was a good sign. Then that Saturday we left for the beach. The vacation was fun, and I had a sonogram set up for the Tuesday after we got back. My doctor wanted to start monitoring me regularly because of my history.

Well, that Tuesday came and I had the sonogram. We saw the heartbeat and I was crying and it was wonderful. Then the technician saw something strange and was poking around. That something strange turned out to be another heartbeat...another baby. We're having twins. I was floored and in all honesty, here I am 3 months later and I still don't believe it half the time.

I was alone at the appointment since John had a meeting. But I drove right over to his office to tell him. He met me in the parking lot and here is a summary of our conversation:

I show him the sonogram pictures.
Me: Do you notice anything different than what we're used to seeing?
Him: No, should I?
Me: Keep looking.
Him: I don't see anything.
Me: John, we're having twins.
Him: You're shitting me.

And that pretty much sums it up. After a lot of exhaling and tears, we hugged and he had to get back to work. I called my parents and told them. They were shocked of course. In fact, I could hear my dad interjecting a "Holy shit" every now and then.

Needless to say, the past 20 weeks have been exciting, overwhelming, terrifying and worrisome. I had my cerclage surgery back in September and thankfully that all went well. I have a mack daddy cerclage. It's a permanent cerclage (most people get a temporary one that is removed before delivery). This is a crazy stitch that doesn't get removed (I have to have a c-section). The surgery was an insane 2-hour procedure and even though I was numb I was awake the entire time. I will not get into the actual experience of the surgery as it was quite awful. Thankfully the anesthesiologist talked to me the entire time or I would have been crying throughout the surgery. Recovery was tough on me and it was very painful. But my wonderful doctor is confident it was successful and after almost 2 months, it looks great. But we've still had our share of scary moments, including a trip to the emergency room a few weeks ago.

I won't get into tremendous detail, but I was having very similar symptoms to what I had when we lost the baby last year. Thankfully, all is all right and the babies are perfectly fine. I have what is called a subchorionic hemorrhage. It's common and I've had a couple throughout the pregnancy. But this one was dangerously close to one of the placentas and it was causing a lot of bleeding and cramping. So....I've been on bed rest since then (I'm in my 4th week of bed rest now). And thankfully it's working because it seems as though the bleed is either too small to see or it's gone. YAY!

So, I am still terrified that something will happen to prevent me from bringing home my babies. But I don't know if that will go away until I actually bring them home. All I can do is think positively, continue to pray and take care of myself. And that's what I'm doing. I feel like all of this has to be meant to be. To find out we're pregnant the day before the anniversary? And then to find out it's two? It's all too much to be a coincidence. I have to believe it's happening this time and everything we went through is behind us.