Don't Stop Believing

Hello 2010!

Yesterday was the last day of what we hope is the worst year we ever have. I know things can always be worse than what we have at present, and here's to hoping that this is the worst pain we'll ever know.

I am excited about the new year. Can you believe it? I'm excited about something for the first time in 5 months. I am adopting a new way of looking at things, I'm trying anyway.

About a month ago, I got in touch with this somewhat local athlete, Brian Boyle, to see if he could come to Fleet Feet for a fun run. He just released a book and I wanted him to come for a book signing and then run with us. He is coming, this Thursday, January 7th.

Brian is a young guy, only 23, and he's seen more sadness, pain and despair than most people do in their entire lives. When he was 18 he was in a horrific car accident that should have killed him. It did kill him, he was pronounced dead 8 times, but he fought and came back, literally, from the dead. I won't go into the details of his accident and his injuries, you can read his amazing book, but I will touch upon his recovery because I feel very connected to his story.

His accident occurred in July, and in addition to that he had some other family hardships that occurred in subsequent Julys. In fact, one chapter of his book is called, "July is the Cruelest Month." Well, I can relate to that. Our lives changed forever this past July. Anyway, Brian spent years working tirelessly to overcome his injuries. His accident occurred 5 years ago. And he was told he probably would never walk again. But he somehow found the strength, through the love, support, and courage from his family and friends, to fight on and work. And he did work. Three years after his accident Brian finished a half Ironman triathlon (70.3 miles of swimming, biking and running). Then 45 days after that he completed the granddaddy of triathlons: the Ironman World Championship at Kona, Hawaii. This is 140.6 miles of swimming, biking and running. And he did it. He's still doing it too. This past fall he ran 5 marathons in 5 weeks. He's a Rock Star.

I'm writing about this because I feel completely connected to him and his story. He overcame tremendous sadness and pain to live the life he always wanted. He talked about his hopes and dreams for himself, the plans he had for himself, and how they were dashed because of his accident. But he found the courage to make those dreams happen anyway. While I could never imagine what he went through, I know what it's like to have plans and dreams dashed. I know what it's like to have dreams that will never come true through no fault of my own. We can't control everything that happens to us. Our loss was something out of our hands.

I read his book in less than 24 hours. It is an amazing story. I really relate to his parents. They are really great people and I feel connected to them for some reason. It's weird to feel connected to people you've never met.

There's a quote Brian uses in his book that really resonates with me: "A person hasn't lived until he has almost died, and for those who have fought for life, the world has a flavor the protected will never know." I feel like I have been fighting for life for the past 5 months. No, my story is not the same as Brian's. I didn't almost die. But part of me did die on July 24th when we lost our son. We have been trying to come back from the dead ever since.

So I look to 2010 as a year of coming back from the dead. I'm using my races as a way to leave the pain and sorrow behind us. We will never forget our baby, we will always be sad about our loss. But we have to move forward. We have to be happy again.

That's my New Year's resolution: to find a place of happiness in each and every day. I may have sadness in that same day. I may cry and scream and ask "why" but I will also laugh and smile and find a piece of happiness. I deserve it.

Happy New Year.

Better Days

I don't know if I've ever been more happy to see a year end than I am this year. It's not that I'm hopeful for the coming year, I just really want 2009 to be done.

This has been such a horrendous year for us. We thought 2008 was bad. We lost too many loved ones, dealt with too many illnesses and just had a generally bad year. Then 2009 came with more lost loved ones, more illnesses and more sadness. We thought the year was turning around for us when we got pregnant. But when we lost our little boy, things just came crashing down. Going through labor and giving birth to a baby I'll never hold, a son I'll never know, has been too much to deal with. I feel like someone is always missing.

I am grateful for my beautiful son, Keller who continues to brighten my dark days. He is the reason I get out of bed in the morning. And I will be forever grateful to my husband, John, who has been my strength and courage for over ten years, but especially so in these last 5 months. I am thankful for my parents, brother & sister-in-law, uncle & aunt, and those few friends that have let me cry on their shoulders and release some of my sorrow, if only a small amount. I am also thankful for my clients and my fantastic job and coworkers. My job working in the running community has given me something to focus on besides my own sadness and opened a world of love and support that I so desperately needed. I am thankful to be part of a sport as wonderful as running.

I don't know what is in store for us in 2010. I don't know where the path will lead us. I do know that I won't be alone and I don't have to hide how I'm feeling. I am not the same person I was when 2009 started. A part of me died July 24th and I will never be the same. This scares me. A lot. But I know that I have to move forward. I have to look ahead. I will do my best to be hopeful and open to what's in store.

Happy New Year to all.

Oy to the World

It is way too hard to be happy and joyous right now. This year's holiday season sucks ass.

I'm letting people know right now that I am not happy it's Christmas, I am not feeling festive and I am certainly not in a good mood. I am sad. We were supposed to be welcoming a baby into our family. And we're not. It's not something to get over, it's not something that we can just forget and try for again. It's a loss of a member of our family and it sucks. This is not a happy time of year.

We are trying. We are trying to make it nice and happy for Keller. We are putting up the tree and Santa is loading up his sleigh. But behind the smiles there is sadness.

I told John last night that I'm not sending anyone holiday cards this year. If I had to pick a card right now, it would say something like "We hope your 2009 didn't suck as badly as ours," or "2010 can't be as bad as 2009, can it?" I was joking with John that the card can have a picture of Lola pooping with a Santa hat on. Crappy Holidays from the Gills! We didn't think the older relatives would appreciate it though.

I think I've moved into the anger portion of my grief now. That certainly has to be healthy, right?

Kind and Generous

So yesterday was Thanksgiving. Somehow it was actually possible to be sad and happy at the same time.

I was happy to be spending the day with my wonderful son and husband and very great friends (who are pretty much family). I had a great run in the morning, cooked all afternoon and then ate all night. Not too bad.

I was sad because even with all the love and laughter, I couldn't shake the sadness at what we've lost. I just thought things were going to be so different at this time of year. But life happens when you're making other plans.

I guess there really isn't much else to say. That pretty much sums things up. I'm just trying to keep my head above water and not let the sadness take over. Some days are better than others but for the most part I'm doing all right.

Hope everyone had a great T-giving. Enjoy your leftovers :)

P.S. Today is our dog Lola's birthday. Happy birthday, girl! Hard to believe she's 8 already.

Give Peace A Chance

We went up to NY a couple of weekends ago. We hadn't been up there since before we got pregnant, which was a lifetime ago. I was nervous about the trip. I wasn't in a good place and was afraid of the feelings that would be stirred up by going there. But this is the time of firsts (first time for things since we lost the baby). And this was the first trip to my parents' since then.

Well, I had a horrendous breakdown while we were there. John and I went for a run on a trail close to my parents' house. It's really nice and soft, we really enjoy running there. I was looking forward to it. If I haven't mentioned it before, running has been pretty emotional for me since I started back, for a number of reasons. But I had been all right for a while, running was becoming my thing again. But for some reason, I lost it out on that trail.

I really had a breakdown. I was hyperventilating and everything. I just wanted to lay on the trail and stay there forever. I was imagining myself staying there as it got dark and I just wanted to sit there in the dark. John, of course, wasn't about to leave me there and somehow I made it back to the car. I was able to get myself together and we were able to actually enjoy the rest of the weekend.

The strangest thing is that I somehow feel more at peace after that breakdown. I left a huge piece of my hurt out on that trail. I'm not saying I'm 100% and all is great, but I feel more at peace with my life and how things are for us now. Don't get me wrong, I still get upset and have my moments. I had a panic attack in Ikea yesterday. Sometimes it feels like the entire world is pregnant and I was surrounded by about 20 of them in Ikea yesterday. I thought I was going to explode.

But I made it through. I guess that's the thing. I feel like I'm making it through. I can laugh a little deeper now, smile a little longer. My crying spells don't last as long. I hope it continues. I'm really nervous about how things will be as we approach the holidays and my due date. All I can do is honor how I feel and go with it.

But I'm thankful for my friends and family for being there for me. Without you I wouldn't be able to start making peace with this. I love you.