Thursday, September 24, 2009

Pictures of You

I haven't written about this because writing it would mean that it actually happened.

On July 24th, we lost our baby.

I had been having bad abdominal pains all week. We had gone into the OB's office, had a sonogram, everything looked fine. The baby was perfect. But these pains just wouldn't stop.

Thursday evening they got really bad. And then I started bleeding. I knew it was not good. I went to the satellite ER that's near our house. John got one of our neighbors to come and stay with Keller and he joined me. We were there for a couple of hours. They did another sonogram and saw that the baby was in the birth canal and the placenta started to tear. I was in labor. The pain was unimaginable. I had multiple doses of morphine and dilaudid and it did nothing. It was awful.

They transferred me to Shady Grove Hospital. We delivered our baby in the early hours of Friday, July 24th. It was the single worst day of my life.

The last two months have been the hardest to get through. I have never experienced a hurt so bad before. I have never felt so empty and alone. We have had to try to be "normal" for Keller. He's definitely seen us upset and we've told him what happened. He understands to a certain degree, about as much as a 4-year old can understand.

I left my job. I couldn't possibly deal with this while working there. For the first time in my life I don't really give a damn about anything other than being true to my feelings and taking care of myself and my family. I just couldn't do that while working there. I left August 14th and haven't regretted it a single day. I working from home now, doing the marketing and promotion for Fleet Feet Sports, Gaithersburg. I've worked with them since 2006, so I feel good coming back full-time. And so far it's been good.

I can't really put into words how terrible this has been for us. Losing our child has been the absolute worst thing that has ever happened to us. We were almost halfway through the pregnancy. We made it through the cerclage surgery. We thought we were out of the woods. We thought we would be welcoming a new baby this winter.

We found out we had a boy. A little boy. Keller had a brother. My heart aches for what he has lost. I picture in my head what the two of them would have been like together. What trouble and fun they would have, what we all would have had. And now there will always be someone missing from our family.

We are doing the best we can. We take it day by day and some days are far better than others. I feel like I'm moving through life extremely slowly. I feel like I'm watching other people go on with their lives and I'm just sort of stuck here. Things go on, obviously, but in my heart, I'm stuck. I know I won't ever "get over" this and anyone that thinks you get over losing your child, born or not, is sadly mistaken. Just because we can have a conversation and perhaps laugh and smile, doesn't mean we're "better" and "over it." It means we are all right on the surface but deep down we're broken and trying to heal. There will always be a scar on my heart and this is now part of who I am. I am not the same person I was when I found out I was pregnant. I'm different, sadder, and a piece of me has died.

I'm writing this for a number of reasons. It helps me feel slightly lighter getting some of the emotion out. I leave pieces of my sadness everywhere. And that takes some of the weight off of me. I'm writing it so people will understand what a loss like this does to people. While everyone is different and how they grieve is different, losing a child like this is a multi-dimensional thing. It's different than other forms of grief and loss. It just is. And the term "miscarriage" just doesn't cover all the physical and emotional pain that comes with it. Miscarriage is an ugly word.

Lastly, I'm writing this to help other people going through this understand that they're not alone. While having friends and family supporting me has been extremely helpful, knowing other people going through this at the same time has also been helpful. Knowing that I can be sad and not explain why is more helpful than you would think.

Take care.