Thursday, June 30, 2011

Poker Face

My latest obession happens to be a TV show. One night when I was up with the girls, I stumbled upon Piers Morgan Tonight. I'm liking this Piers Morgan guy.

I believe Piers took over for Larry King when he retired last year. I don't know why but I really like the way Piers interviews people. He's extremely well prepared and he always relates the interviewee to himself in some way. It's very personable and it makes the interviewee feel at ease. And when they feel at ease, they talk freely. And talk they do.

Anyway, I watched his interview with Barry Manilow recently. I love me some Barry Manilow. I have fond memories of a road trip with my mom and dad, blasting Barry and all of us singing along. They came to visit me at school for spring break. We drove from Tempe to San Diego and sang the whole way. It was fun. But, back to the interview. Actually, my thoughts really have nothing to do with the interview itself but more of Barry's looks. The poor man can't move his face. Really, it doesn't move when he talks. Is this healthy? How does he still sing and perform? And one of the questions Piers asked was if Barry is vain. He said he was as vain as the next guy. What does that mean?

I'm not going to say he looks horrible and make fun of him. I'm wondering why people do this to themselves. I get not wanting to look old and haggard. Trust me, I look in the mirror and wonder where my youth went. I think I've aged 10 years in the past year. But I wouldn't mess with my face so much so that it wouldn't move when I talk.

It was an interesting series of questions/comments that preceded Piers' 'vain' question. Apparently, Barry Manilow made some comments about how he, Bette Midler and Lady Gaga, despite the size of their noses, have become enormously successful. That perhaps all the ridicule they've received because of their honkers made them the superstars they are. I agree with this!! I was made fun of day and night because of my nose. It haunted me. I wanted a nose job desperately. But my parents wouldn't let me (thankfully). So, according to Barry's theory, I will be a superstar someday. Is it too late? I think I still will hit it big. Just watch.

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Karma Chameleon

Let's just get right down to it. People are rude. They may think they're being friendly or funny, but really, they're just rude.

Since having the girls, I have come across some really nice people. Complete strangers offer help and are really very nice. But there are also those people that are so ridiculous you wonder how they survive in the real world. If they say some of the rude things to me, a stranger, I can only imagine what they say to people they know.

The latest rude happening was at the post office the other day. Now, this is quite a tame example, but it's the most recent. I've certainly encountered worse, but this one is most fresh in my mind.

I was leaving the post office with the girls in their double stroller when a man offered to hold the door for me (not the rude part). As I walked through the door, he saw the girls and asked if they were twins. I said yes and smiled. I wondered to myself what could have possbly given it away that they were twins. Was it the fact that they are exactly the same size and shape? But I digress. The man asked if they were both girls. I smiled and said yes (because apparently the pink ribbons and bows weren't obvious enough). Here is what happened next:

Man: Are they both girls?
Me: Yes (smile)
Man: Oh, that's no good (no smile)
Me: You should think of the positives not the negatives (smile)
Man: You have 2 weddings to pay for. Better hope they marry rich.
Me: That's the way to think (not smiling)

I don't think he sensed the sarcasm in my statement.

Really, what would possess someone to say such a rude thing? First of all, I think I'm aware of my financial future with regard to my children. I've thought about it once or twice and I don't need rude men to point things out for me. Second of all, they are tiny little sweet babies and if we have to pay for 5 weddings between all 3 kids, then we'll find a way to make it work. They may not be the most lavish weddings and they may take place in our living room, but they will be the most wonderful living room weddings to ever take place. Mind your own business, people!

And, keep in mind, this scene doesn't even scratch the surface of rude. You'd be horrified at some of the things people have said or asked me in reference to my girls. It makes me cringe.

Monday, June 27, 2011

Black Coffee In Bed

I was in rare form this morning. Before I get into my proud moment of the day, let me just fill you in on how I've been feeling. I feel yucky. I have not been sleeping well for some time. I think it started in San Diego when I was having a hard time with the time change. I finally slept well our last night there only to come home and have to get back on east coast time. Then the stress really started piling up with getting our house ready for the market. Ever since then, I barely sleep at night. I fall asleep but wake up early and can't go back to sleep. So I've been exhausted, stressed and grumbly.

Anyone that knows me knows I enjoy my coffee. I really enjoy my coffee. Well, you can imagine how much I've been drinking for the past few weeks since I haven't been sleeping well. This morning was no exception. After another early wake-up call, I went downstairs and turned on the trusty Keurig. I LOVE my Keurig. I mean lurve that Keurig.

Anyway, I go downstairs and turn on the Keurig. It's still dark and I don't turn on any lights except that light that's above the stove. We keep that on overnight. I stick my yummy Donut People coffee k-cup into the machine and press "brew." I get my phone and sit down to check my email while brewing.

After it's done, I go over to get it. But I don't notice my coffee mug in the machine. So I question whether or not I actually brewed the coffee. I couldn't have brewed it. I put my mug in and press "brew." I get the coffee and go downstairs to the office to do some work.

About an hour later, John comes down to the office and asks me if I had any coffee. I looked at him like he was nuts and he said that there was coffee all in the tray of the Keurig (See picture above. The tray is where the coffee mug is to go). Apparently I did brew the coffee the first time and it spilled all in the tray since I didn't have my mug there. I didn't see it because I didn't have any lights on. I don't know what I thought I did, but I was pretty sure I hadn't brewed the coffee. Well, I did.

So there you go. I'm an idiot. I'm a tired, non-sleeping, stressed out idiot.

Happy Monday!

Friday, June 24, 2011

With a Little Help From My Friends

Yesterday I finally posted to my running blog for the first time in 7 months or so. I mean, I haven't been running so what was the point of writing? As the post explains, there was more to it than that.

In case you don't want to read it, I'll sum things up for you here: I need help. I hate asking for it but I'm asking anyway. I cannot find my way back to running and it's really tearing me up. I try to get out when I can but it's been so hard with everything we have going on. So the inconsistency is making my runs difficult. Which makes me get down on myself. Which makes me not want to's a vicious cycle. So I'm reaching out to whomever may want to listen, runners and non-runners alike, that I need help getting back on track.

You all know how running has always been my saving grace. And when we were going through the loss of our baby, it was the only thing that made me feel like I wasn't a failure. And I've tried to remind myself of that now. I have tried just about every trick I know to motivate myself to get back out there. But nothing works. If I'm honest with myself, I'll say that it's more than just being busy that's keeping me from running. I don't know what it is, but there is something bigger that's preventing me from getting that drive. What has changed? I don't know.

I was so lost during the time I was on bed rest with the girls. Sure, I put on a brave face and tried to stay postive. But the stress of the pregnancy, the isolation from being on bed rest and some other factors just screwed me up. And now, for some reason, I still feel that way. I now have the stress of moving, coupled with the stress of dealing with my new life and family dynamic. I have the isolation from my friends, who for some reason think we've already moved and have stopped including us in anything. I still feel lost. I'm in limbo between my life here and starting over in a new place. And it's screwing with me.

I know I can hang things up and try again when things aren't so stressful. I know that's an option. Really though, it's not an option for me. I need to feel like myself again. I need to feel like I'm not spinning out of control and that's what running is for me. So what do I do? How do I make this work when everything else hasn't worked?

Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated!!

Wednesday, June 22, 2011


Our house went on the market today. Well, technically it's not on the market until tomorrow but the sign is in front of our house. I thought I was going to puke all over the place when I saw it.

I have come to the point where I feel overwhelmed. There is just too much going on and there has been too much change or impending change. I feel like my head is spinning and my stomach is in knots.

While we're looking forward to moving to San Diego, selling our house has to be one of the most stressful things ever. And it's not even on the market yet! For weeks I've been purging and cleaning, selling stuff, etc. All while trying to care for my family and work. I am kind of spent and the real stress hasn't even started. When the house goes on the market, trying to keep the house clean and get out when people want to see it will be hard with the babies and the dog.

I have so many mixed feelings about this move. We were out in San Diego last week and had such a nice time. We've narrowed down where we want to live and our favorite is San Elijo Hills in San Marcos. It's northeast from downtown and it's in the mountains. It will be a bit of a drive for John but nothing crazy. It's about 24 miles from his office. Nothing too terrible. But the neighborhood is beautiful, very family friendly and about 10 miles from the coast. It's cooler because it's at elevation but nice because it doesn't have the coastal marine layer that hangs for the most part of the morning. We've found the closest running stores, so that's important. The schools are insanely good. I know we'll all be so happy there and life will be good for us. But leaving my friends and family is going to be hard. Really, we only have another 2 months here. And so much will be going on that I don't even know if we'll be able to see anyone! I feel really isolated right now and it's hard.

I think the thing that will give me the biggest relief will be selling our house. Once that's done we can make an offer on a house out there. Please, Gods of Real Estate, please shine down on us and find a buyer!! Please, please, please!!!!

Thursday, June 9, 2011

In Limbo

I hate this feeling.

I feel like I'm in limbo in so many ways. With the impending move, there are so many things we can't do until we're actually there (like enroll Keller in school, which is a big one). But it's more than the move. I feel like my life is in limbo too.

When we were expecting the twins, we were definitely in limbo. I couldn't do anything being on bed rest and we just didn't know what to expect with regard to taking care of them and how our new family dynamic would play out. But I thought the feeling of being in-between-things would go away once they arrived. Now that we're almost 3 months post-pregnancy, the feelings haven't gone away. There are so many times I have to tell myself "when the babies are older," or "once we're settled in the new place." I hate it.

The most upsetting has been trying to get back into running. It has been so hard to find the time, let alone the energy, to get a run in. So, I just feel gross. I can't lose the remainder of the baby weight, I feel sluggish and just plain disgusting. The babies are sleeping longer at night, so maybe that will make a difference for me. But the thing is, I'm working so hard to get the house ready and pack, in between taking care of the girls, Keller, everyday tasks and still working. I'm exhausted and the last thing I want to do is wake up early to run. Trust me, as a coach, I know all the little things to try to get myself motivated and back on track. The problem is I just feel overtaxed. It's important for me to be good to my body right now since it's been through so much in the last couple of years. I know getting back into shape will make a huge difference in how I feel. I guess I'm just finding it hard to balance taking care of everything I need to do and taking care of myself.

No words of wisdom from me today. Just needed to vent...