Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Better Days

I don't know if I've ever been more happy to see a year end than I am this year. It's not that I'm hopeful for the coming year, I just really want 2009 to be done.

This has been such a horrendous year for us. We thought 2008 was bad. We lost too many loved ones, dealt with too many illnesses and just had a generally bad year. Then 2009 came with more lost loved ones, more illnesses and more sadness. We thought the year was turning around for us when we got pregnant. But when we lost our little boy, things just came crashing down. Going through labor and giving birth to a baby I'll never hold, a son I'll never know, has been too much to deal with. I feel like someone is always missing.

I am grateful for my beautiful son, Keller who continues to brighten my dark days. He is the reason I get out of bed in the morning. And I will be forever grateful to my husband, John, who has been my strength and courage for over ten years, but especially so in these last 5 months. I am thankful for my parents, brother & sister-in-law, uncle & aunt, and those few friends that have let me cry on their shoulders and release some of my sorrow, if only a small amount. I am also thankful for my clients and my fantastic job and coworkers. My job working in the running community has given me something to focus on besides my own sadness and opened a world of love and support that I so desperately needed. I am thankful to be part of a sport as wonderful as running.

I don't know what is in store for us in 2010. I don't know where the path will lead us. I do know that I won't be alone and I don't have to hide how I'm feeling. I am not the same person I was when 2009 started. A part of me died July 24th and I will never be the same. This scares me. A lot. But I know that I have to move forward. I have to look ahead. I will do my best to be hopeful and open to what's in store.

Happy New Year to all.

Saturday, December 5, 2009

Oy to the World

It is way too hard to be happy and joyous right now. This year's holiday season sucks ass.

I'm letting people know right now that I am not happy it's Christmas, I am not feeling festive and I am certainly not in a good mood. I am sad. We were supposed to be welcoming a baby into our family. And we're not. It's not something to get over, it's not something that we can just forget and try for again. It's a loss of a member of our family and it sucks. This is not a happy time of year.

We are trying. We are trying to make it nice and happy for Keller. We are putting up the tree and Santa is loading up his sleigh. But behind the smiles there is sadness.

I told John last night that I'm not sending anyone holiday cards this year. If I had to pick a card right now, it would say something like "We hope your 2009 didn't suck as badly as ours," or "2010 can't be as bad as 2009, can it?" I was joking with John that the card can have a picture of Lola pooping with a Santa hat on. Crappy Holidays from the Gills! We didn't think the older relatives would appreciate it though.

I think I've moved into the anger portion of my grief now. That certainly has to be healthy, right?