Wednesday, July 14, 2010

I Try

Ok, so that last post was pretty positive. Maybe I should just leave it at that. But as the anniversary date draws near, I'm finding it more and more difficult to be strong and upbeat.

I cannot believe it's been almost a year. I thought things would be so different at this time. Well, last year I thought we would be welcoming a baby. And then once I finally accepted that wouldn't happen, I thought this time would at least hold something else, something to look forward to. But it doesn't. I feel like I'm in the same place I was after we lost the baby: hopeless and left behind.

It's really hard to see how much has changed for so many people in this past year. New babies, new homes, new jobs, etc. And here I am in the same place I was. Sure, maybe I'm not in as desolate a place. But I don't feel like my life has moved forward at all. I've changed jobs within this past year, and that has been a great change and something that has really helped me move forward. But as far as my personal life...ugh.

It's really hard to be in a personal funk. So much of my job is being positive and motivating other people. If people only knew how hard it is for me to do that while I feel the way that I do. I feel like I live a double life and I'm so exhausted by the end of the day, it's crazy. Sometimes working with other people is helpful. I get inspired by them and it makes it that much easier to get through my day. But at this time, it's not really that helpful. I just want to crawl in a hole and stay there. I would love to just sleep for days.

I don't understand why people don't talk more about these things. I can somewhat understand why people don't want to talk about miscarriage. Well, maybe not. It's a loss just like any other, maybe worse in some ways, and it should be treated with the same respect and consideration as anyone else dealing with loss. But it isn't. I have to put on a brave face and act like nothing happened to me. I have to act like there isn't someone missing from my family. It's so not fair. I just wish people would acknowledge what we are going through. It would make this anniversary a lot less painful if I could actually talk about it.