Today

Today marks 3 years since we lost our second baby. I can't believe it's been 3 years already.

We have conflicting emotions. We are still sad. We still think about what "could've been." It's especially hard when Keller says he wants a brother. He had a brother.

But then we think that because of that loss and the year it took us to get through it and try again, we have our girls. Had we not gone through that horrible period, they wouldn't be here. In fact, so much of our life would be different. I don't think we would be here in California. I think we would still be in Maryland. I'd probably be still working as a government contractor. Life would be so different from what it is now. Would it better? I don't think so. I don't know. Like I said, it's conflicting emotions.

I think about that first anniversary. We found out we were pregnant the day before. We didn't know then we were having twins but it was so strange that we found out we were expecting so close to the anniversary. There was definitely divine intervention involved to ease the pain of that day. And then to find out we were having twins? It isn't that our lost baby was "replaced" and we were suddenly over it. But we were given a gift when we thought all was lost. In fact, we were given two.

I will try today to not dwell on what we lost. It still hurts and I still cry but I am grateful for what I have. I know how lucky we are to have 3 beautiful, healthy children. I will focus on that and look to our future together.